Smurf Peen

I love makeup.

I am the chick in Sephora who gets overly involved of the purchases of those surrounding me to the point that at the end of our quest for the ideal matte lipstick, they look at me awkwardly waiting for me to take them to the register.

That being said –

I’m basically a total moron when it comes to primers of any sort. A greasy, greasy, moron.

True story: I once bought this product called “Highlighting Awesome Sparklefest” or something thinking it was a primer and I was all, “Boom, let’s get serious about our makeup!” because I had grown weary of my foundation slipping off and my eye shadow looking like it had taken a 2×4 to my eye-meats.

But woe-betide me it was not a primer. It was exactly what it had advertized itself to be. An explosion that can only be described as cum-glitter that did basically nothing but make me look porny, ancient, and crazed. So, like Ke$ha is what I’m saying.

Ashamed and embarrassed, I stuck to foundation and reconciled myself to a life where eye-liner was constantly reapplied and dudes were constantly like “you got some…stuff,” while reaching out, mesmerized to scrub my delicate upper-eye area clear of the expensive and now hideous product hanging out there.  Truly. It was the stuff of romance and legends.

Then one day I accompanied a friend to Sephora. We don’t shop the same way. She is a researcher. She reads reviews. I walk into stores and go “Wheeeee! Exciting! Look at this bottle! PRETTY COLORS!” I am essentially a teletubby?

This particular friend had been researching eye-primers and when she handed me the bottle she intended to purchase I fell in love.

Urban Decay’s Eyeshadow Primer Potion comes in an adorable vial. You feel like a magician, a genie, a woman on the verge of a magical journey. Or you feel a bit retarded because you think that maybe this bottle is what a care bear’s penis would like like.

Regardless of its size shape and nerdy “potion” name, the proof is in the pudding – or in this case, the primer. HA! See what I did there?

It goes on sticky and – as I bought the basic untinted variety – clear. I dabbed/blended the potion on my lid and upper eye area and then went ahead and did my foundation while the primer set.

Then I went all kinds of freaky on that primer shit. I applied a bright, vivid blue (DON’T JUDGE ME AMERICA, I SWEAR IT WORKED) and lined the buh-geeze out of my eyes. I noticed immediately that the shadow – a shade I’ve used for ages by Tarte – went on evenly and blended like a champ, something I’ve had issues with before. “So far so good, magical eye-meats potion,” I whispered at myself in the mirror.



You guys. It totally did. In fact, my only beef? I basically had to use turpentine to get it off in the evening. And by turpentine I mean Pond’s Cold Cream. And nothing makes a bitch feel less sexy than slathering herself with Ponds. Word.

But frankly, it’s a price I’m willing to pay.

Now for all your All-Natural Get Them Parabens the Fuck Back From Me Now chicas, I’m basically sure you would view this product as being absolute poison. Good for you. And more potion for me.

Eyeshadow Primer Potion is available in original, sin, and eden (which is hilarious) it is $18 dollars and available at