Ah Mystic Falls Virgina, land of fog and mist, land of teens with nothing to do other than deliver the weakest dialogue of a clearly-tranquilized Kevin WIlliamson’s Career.

This sleepy little town has a dark under belly! A TWIST WE NEVER SAW COMING! But we don’t know that yet. All we know, is that a stupidly pretty girl named Elena whose hair runs the risk of knocking her over at any given point and her neckless brother Jeremy the lame have lost their parents in a tragic accident and have spent the summer getting over the death of their parents and suffering the deep shame of being raised by a Hip Aunt Who Has Sex And Things And Once Smoked A Joint.

First things first: Parents are like one’s virginity – sure, losing them stings, but baby you gotta get over that shit so you can get to the business of L-I-V-I-N! At least that’s what all of Elena’s friends tell her the first day of school. No seriously. Elena writes sadly about how weird it is to have dead parents in her journal and I wanted to be like, “HOW ABOUT YOU WRITE HOW NONE OF YOUR FRIENDS UNDERSTAND GRIEF OR HOW YOU JUST LOST YOUR PARENTS IN A HORRIFIC ACCIDENT AND HOW EVEN YOUR HISTORY TEACHER IS LIKE OMG I’M OVER IT?”

But it’s cool, because we know she’s sad – because of all the journaling, and because of how Neckless Jeremy is a pill fiend now. And also he is really into Frankendowns, the sister of Elena’s ex-boyfriend (who she dumped because his ween was small. True story.)  See? PROBLEMS: they are real.

Elena Gilbert having feelings in the woods.

So yeah, just another ordinary day except we the viewer – wise of mind and pure of heart – know that some creepster in the shadows lurks, killing kids who dare to unleash their wangs and pachengos in their cars under cover of nightfall. We also know that their is another creepster in Mystic Falls and that he’s got a fever. The only prescription: Gettin’ his stare on, Elena-style.

This creepster is Stefan the Brooding Brown Bear who loves Honeycombs and Elena so much so he decides to go back to high school to be near her. A thing I would do for no one, not only because I went to an all girl’s high school and am a straight broad, but also because high school was THE WORST. All full of periods and Otis Spunkmeyer cookies and  unwashed clothes and homework that was perpetually undone.


We are supposed to think that maybe Stefan killed the banging couple but we know better, because Stefan is pure of heart and also journals. Clearly this also makes him Elena’s soulmate – because no one else has ever journaled before. If Elena had any doubts about Stefan they are assuaged when her friend Bonnie, an African American Witch From Salem Massachusets (BUT YOU DON’T KNOW THAT YET…except for the African American part…unless she is not American and I am just, you know, racist.) is all, “GIRL. Get it!” in a mildly offensive way.

Elena isn’t sure about getting it. Because she has so many feelings. So she goes to the cemetary where her parents are buried to write about them. Her feelings, I mean, not her parents. Then the cemetary is overrun by fog and ravens! And also Stefan! But apparently Elena doesn’t find this too odd. She just thinks that Stefan has feelings too. And she is not wrong. He has a lot of feelings. And one of the feelings is that he wants to murder her with his mouth.

In order to not her murder her, Stefan goes home and sulks and is mocked by his Sexy Brother Damon who has appeared to reak havoc. Like Sexy Brothers do.

Sexy Brother Damon is all, “Oooooh you like a girl? FUNNY HOW SHE LOOKS LIKE A WOMAN I TOO ONCE LOVED!”

And then he flittere off into the night and Stefan’s all, “Sigh. Blood Lust. Tender Emotions. I Am Old.”

Anyway, then there is this party, and Elena’s ex Matt is there and he is brooding and Neckless Jeremy goes and he is brooding too, and Frankendowns is doing the monster mash on some guy who is the poor man’s Andrew Keegan (Ha ha, what? Andrew Keegan! I am kicking it 90s style up in here. Next reference: Matthew Lilliard.) and also Stefan is there and he too is brooding because as much as he wants to put all of his pointy parts in this girl who is roughly 140 years younger than he is, he also has terrible secrets:

1.) He is a vampire.

2.) His evil ex-girlfriend from civil war times LOOKS JUS T LIKE ELENA.

3.) His sexy brother is evil and kills humans and has followed Stefan to town.

As the LOLCats would say. O Noes.

this is the cat who wrote the pilot. Fact.

O noes indeed, cats. O noes indeed.

Anyway, the party is kind of generally sucking except for Elena and Stefan talking about how they all know dead people and how knowing dead people makes them sexy for each other, but then Frankendowns rattles off into the forest with Andrew Keegan. Keegan suggests some ugly bumping but Frankendowns isn’t feeling it and thankfully Neckless J rescues her from Keegan’s rapey embrace.


Turns out Stefan’s Sexy Brother Damon is lurking, and with Neckless J forced to trudge back to main camp since Frankendowns was all, “Dude, I didn’t get rescued from rape only to get raped by a guy with no neck, feel me?” she is a ripe target for sexy, sexy, blood draining by Damon.

And that happens! And Neckless J has to save her again! And everyone is like, “OUR TOWN IS BEING OVERRUN BY A COUGAR!” and  Courtney Cox just laughs, and laughs, and laughs, and they all look at the moon and the moon has Courtney Cox’s face and they are all, for one moment spellbound and full of wonder. But then the moment passes and they are all forced to deal with problems, like maybe vampires, and how boys and/or girls don’t like them or want to rape them, and how their parents are dead and how they fought in the civil war and how time is moving by so quickly, and so slowly, and so terribly, and somewhere, Stevie Nicks is singing, and Frankendown’s whispers in her brother’s ear “I totally get blooded by a vampire, man,” and Matt just croons in her ear, “Rhiaaaaaanooooooooon,” and then the episode is over.

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