Gossip | Scott Disick on Men’s Fitness: He Lacks Abs, Soul

Confession. I’ve long held a candle for the entire Kardashian Clan. I feel like maybe they could live across the street from my parents and when I’d come to visit my mom all wide-eyed would tell me about some screaming match she overheard and then would wistfully discuss how Kris Jenner once told her that her sweater looked nice.

this is what my dad would see every morning upon leaving the house.

I mean, I know by all rights I should be ardently Anti-Kardashian – a family that rose to infamy through two of like, the least reputable means ever: Murder and a Sex Tape. But I totally find myself in a Gwenyth-Paltrow-Defending stance whenever people sneeringly mention the K Clan (Wow. Wow. I should have thought that through on a major level.) I’m all, “You guys. They turned shame and scandal into AN EMPIRE. THEY ARE SELF MADE!”

Let’s be real about it: If Edith Wharton were alive today and medicated properly she would be penning the tale of Kim and her sisters.

Ohmigodstopthepresses – PLEASE SOMEONE REMAKE AGE OF INNOCENCE STARRING BOTH KIM AND KHLOE KARDASHIAN AND POSSIBLY SCOTT BAIO IN THE DANIEL DAY LEWIS ROLE.

The tagline could be: The Age Of Innocence: No One Is Innocent, Everyone Is Sexy.

So I think it’s fair to say at this point that I heart the Kardashians. Business obsessed Kim (Girl, I’m a member of your monthly shoe club! Seriously!) Gentle Giantess and Newly Wed Khloe, the little girls whose names also begin with K – (Kendall and, and, and, KYLIE! HA! I NAMED THEM! I KNEW THEM ALL SANS GOOGLE! Dear god excuse me whilst I go committ seppuku.) I’ve watched poor little Rob suffer through heartbreak (though seriously Rob, you did cheat on her.) and I can’t help but admit fondness for poor Leatherface-Bruce. He just wants to fly his remote control plane, guys!

ha ha. That guy.

Then there’s Kourtney. Poor little Kourtney. She let a character from American Psycho impregnate her and now – at least until he finally caves and picks up a chainsaw – she seems to be stuck with him! I am speaking of course of the saddest and most, actually, Wharton-like character of them all: Scott Disick.

Things I do not miss: DEP.

He’s immature, he’s a liar, he’s a cad, he’s crippling insecure – watch the show for five minutes and you’ll see what I mean – he has the face and voice of a rat, drinking problems, issues with violence, and he’s changed his entire identity to infiltrate the Kardashian clan and scale the slime to the top.

This guy is a notorious user and abuser, effectively a long-time club promoter who claimed to have effed Kim K before he’d even met the family – and that’s when he wasn’t telling his “actually we are related,” story. CREEPY. Which is it Scott, sex or sibling – YOU CANNOT HAVE BOTH UNLESS THIS IS FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC STARRING SCOTT DISICK AND KIM KARDASHIAN WHICH OKAY MAYBE I WOULD WATCH THE HELL OUT OF THAT BUT SO WHAT?

Scott’s antics (read: life lived on screen as a bad man) made for some entertaining T.V. back in the day, but now that there’s a kid involved the whole affair makes me feel a bit quease. Mock Bruce Jenner’s face all you want, he’s been an active, present, parental figure in his some his kids’ (sorry Brody.) and stepkids’ lives. You never turn on the show being all, “Is today the day Jenner will hit Kylie?”

But it doesn’t look like Scott is going anywhere. In fact, apparently he’s going to be on the cover of Men’s Fitness. While he sheepishly bemoaned his lack of abs on the show the other night, I may have loudly crowed at the screen, “YOU ARE LUCKY YOU ARE NOT POSING FOR MEN’S MENTAL FITNESS, DISICK OR I WOULD FIND YOU, MAN!”

I really did. It was awkward. Because that’s not even a magazine. And also I was at the gym.