Recaps | Vampire Diaries – Season One, Episode Two: Is That A Comet In Your Pants?

They can't ever face each other. Because if they are facing each other. They are making out.

Oh My God You Guys.

A comet is headed for Mystic Falls! In this episode, earth is destroyed! And also, Superman!

Nah, I’m just playing – but a comet is coming to the tiny town of Mystic Falls as we learned from Mr. Turder (haaaa poop jokes) the world’s worst history teacher slash football couch. For cereals – not only is he easily bested in matters of like, historical facts (arguably his livelihood) by one of his own students, (arguably an unfair assertion – said student is a vampire after all. Also, brief aside – just because you are over 100 years old doesn’t mean you remember all of history. I can say with 100% certainty that if I were made a vampire I would basically coast through life as I am doing now. Two hundred years from now some hot young boy who is madly in love with me – go with it – would be like, “Do you. Do you remember Libya?” and I’d be all “Question. Is that a penis drug?”) but he also publically berates Elena for not having a ready answer to a question and then tells her that it’s time to quote unquote stop using your parents’ death as an excuse.

Ah the Vampire Diaries – No One Takes Death Seriously And Thus Your Town Is Stricken With Vampires.

Remember Neckless Jeremy? Well he is very angry that his true love Frankendowns was nearly raped and then nearly murdered in the woods. So he goes to pick a fight with Guy Who Is Not Andrew Keegan. Jeremy is all, “I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN RAPE FRANKENDOWNS, KEEGAN.”

While this is happening Elena pow-wows with her ex, Frankendowns’s brother, Matt McUnimportant (Hey it’s me, Rebecca Jane from the future, turns out – I was TOTALLY wrong on that one. Awesome. Keep reading.) he tells her Frankendowns will be okay (Future RJ again – ha ha ha) and that she thinks she was attacked by a vampire.

Elena pauses to clutch her hairline and open her mouth. She will do this many, many, many times. So learn to love it. Make it a drinking game. I know I have.

Mr. Turder continues to be the worst. He calls in Wacky Single Aunt Jenna (I was TERRIFIED they were going to fall in love, which, barf.) and says to her quote unquote, you are a terrible guardian (true) and Neckless Jeremy is a drug addict (Untrue – HE IS EXPERIMENTING TURDER. And fact, you can only be a drug addict if you have a neck. I learned that from Dr. Drew and Intervention. Possibly also Hoarders.

Oh man. Broody McPants (Stefan) is concerned that Frankendowns is telling people a vampire bit her. He goes to the hospital and uses his Jedi-Pupil-Dialating trick to get her to be all, “Nah, my neck just fell into a bear trap I guess.” Her brother Matt arrives and bumps into Broody. It’s awkward. Stefan jumps out a window. That happened.

Meanwhile at the restaurant everyone hangs out at because they are “underage” and must only get “wicked caffeine buzzes” and not “blackout drunk” (which oh my god I’m glad I’m not in high school anymore, right?) We learn that Elena and Stefan stayed up all night talking. For hours. About the Brontes. WHATEVER. Her friends don’t care. They suggest ugly bumping. Elena leaves and goes to the moors where she wanders around wailing and insisting upon being called Kathy.

Back at Frankendowns’s bedside Neckless Jeremy waits, strumming a lute to soothe her savage idiot mind. She awakens and NJ is all, “Love me. I did not rape you and I totes could have.” and she is all, “Please leave me alone, I am complicated and made from cadaver pieces,” and he is like, “Well I did save your life.” and she is all, “Oh. Really? WELL I GUESS I OWE YOU NOW. LOVE?”

At Broody McPants’s house, shit is getting scooby doo awkward. Elena, fresh and rejuvenated from her time on the moors has returned and knocks on the door of his house. And when no one answers, she turns around and goes home and is like, “well I guess I’ll come back later.” Ha ha no just kidding, she goes inside where Sexy Evil Damon has swathed himself in cotton candy and lays mostly nude on the carpet. “You look just like the woman my undead brother and I were in love with,” he murmurs, sucking his own teat. “And also, Stefan is soooo  not over her, girlfriend.”  So of course Stefan comes home. He hates Damon and he hates cotton candy and he is angry and he tells Elena to leave.

Elena pauses to hold her hairline and open her mouth. She leaves. But not forever, sadly.

Sexy Evil Damon puts on Mandy Moore’s eponymous album and is all, “I don’t think the magic you pulled on Frankendowns will work forever because of how you don’t drink human blood.” Then the two of them makeout because Stefan LOVES Mandy Moore. Ironic, given his disdain for candy.

Now it is the night of the big dance! Or rather, the big HEY LOOK A COMET party! Elena is all “My boyfriend has family drama – FEELINGZ.” and Frankendowns shows up at the party and sees NJ and is all “I require pills” and he’s all, “And by pills do you mean…my cock?” but then he just gives her pills. Which is good because it turns out Stefan’s Jedi magic is totally fucked and when Frankie spots Sexy Evil Damon she freaks and goes to the bathroom to self-medicate – too bad Damon attacks her!

Also, poor bitch face Caroline! Friend of Bonnie and Elena kind of! She keeps seeing Damon and wanting to bone him but he is busy fighting with her brother who he needs to makeout with.

So the partying is happening and no one can find Frankendowns but only half the people care and by half the people I mean Stefan. He finds her on the roof with Sexy Evil Damon who is all, “I am more magical than you because I drink people juices and I have already out-jedied you and she thinks she was attacked by you and will tell everyone!” but in the end Damon erases that lie from her brainmeats because really he just likes getting Stefan all hot and bothered for no reason other than how sexy it makes him look.

While this is happening, Elena yells “DRUGS!” at NJ who is like, “DELICIOUS!” and we know Elena is a good sibling.

Stefan, high off of having had such a chemistry laden encounter with his brother finally plants the smooch on old Elena which is good because that is a bitch who needs smooching. And also they are both twelve.

Damon is like, oh hey it’s that slutty looking bitchface blond Caroline. I too am feeling hornskies from talking to my hot brother, I guess I will BANG HER AND THEN TURN INTO A VAMPIRE AFTER I EAT HER OUT AND BITE HER NECK AHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHVAMPIREDIAAARIES!

And that is how the episode ends. Will Caroline live? Do we care? TUNE IN FOR EPISODE THREE.