I’m not the first ho with an internet connection to confess a total girl-crush on Paz de la Huerta, I won’t be the last, and I certainly won’t be the best – that privilege belongs to the Hairpin’s Edith Zimmerman¬†– but damned if I don’t feel the urge to document it anyway.

Paz has tiny little stoner eyes and huge big pillow lips that I wanna call dirty pillows. I want to star in Carrie with Paz de la Huerta and I want to be her mother.

She is in HBO’s ‘Boardwalk Empire,’ a show I should totally write about for this site actually, and she is naked basically always and when not grinding on character actors awkwardly, she is speaking with an accent that is impossible to place and acting in a fashion that is both horrific and mesmerizing.

She lives in New York and gets into a bunch of shit here. She’s always out drinking and falling down. I empathize because I live in New York and I too am always out drinking and falling down. Or just falling down. Difference – I have to take the subway home which makes for less drama and more throwing up in one’s own handbag.

basically we are twins.

PAZ TAKE THE SUBWAY WITH ME AND SAY SOMETHING HILARIOUS ABOUT HOW PEOPLE ARE LIKE SUBWAYS!

She’s the sort of girl who shouldn’t be a role model. She gets in raucous fights, she probs does masses of drugs, she likes to have her bits falls out of clothing, but ZOMG, whenever I see her I can’t help but think – there is a woman being ten kinds of true to herself. This isn’t the first time I’ve made idols of questionable role models (Exhibit Paltrow, Gwyneth) but the rationale is the same – these are both women whose every move seems to cry, “Haters Gonna Hate” and that’s a level of self-surety I aspire to.

Paz is in the news at the moment because she was at some party and fell down (nice) and her boob fell out (like it does) and some model type person yelled “Triple Axle” (side note: this is the greatest and best thing that has happened maybe.) and Paz finished her drink, THREW THE EMPTY GLASS AT THE LADY AND THEN¬†PUNCHED HER IN THE FACE AND THERE WAS BLOOD.

The lady is all, “I AM PRESSING CHARGES” and yeah, maybe Paz will get in trouble, but bitch, you can’t holler triple axle at someone’s tit and walk away unscathed.

Team Paz. You are one bad ass motherfucker.

But seriously Paz with the nude lipstick? No. NO. LEAVE YOUR DIRTY PILLOWS ALONE.


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