Recaps | Vampire Diaries, Season 1 Episode 3: The One Where There Is Football

You guys.

I have watched so much Vampire Diaries.

Seriously, I have basically caught up with the show. Which will make these recaps even more delightful. Additionally, looking back on my character breakdown I must crow and announce that I am an evil genius but also really, really dumb about some things; you know, like the magic retards who understand numbers. Like that.

Elena doesn't know what a football does.

Good news, everyone! (said as though I am Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth.) Turns out Caroline is not dead! YAY FOR NOT-DEADLY CUNNILINGUS! She was, however, sexed-up and blood-sucked by Sexy Evil Damon (yay for no shirts!). Bitch all tries to sneak off, but you can’t sneak off from no vampire, girl! In fact, running away is foreplay and thus, Caroline’s undoing – her SEXY UNDOING. So, to sum up – she is not dead, probably sex-drunk and slightly anemic.

You know what I love about this show? EVERYTHING. But more specifically, how they use High School as a dramatic device. Oh sure, they are high school students – but what year are they? How come they only go to school…sometimes? WHEN DO THEY DO HOMEWORK?

Anyway, because it’s the only place she’s likely to see him again, Elena goes to High School clutching some books in front of her nubile bosom. But you won’t really notice her nubile bosom. BECAUSE SHE HAS MONSTER HANDS. NO REALLY. WHERE HANDS OF A NORMAL GIRL SHOULD BE ELENA HAS HANDS THAT BELONG IN CASTLE FRANKENSTEIN:

they are so big it's like an optical illusion. A terrible, terrible optical illusion.

Anyway, after shamelessly being all “Please To Bang This Guy And Forget Your Parents Are Dead,” Bonnie is now like “Evil…evil…mumble…WITCHES!” and Elena’s like, “Hm, I know how to solve this, I will have Bonnie and Stefan over to my house for dinner, and Stefan’s all – forget your mortal food I just want to play football, the most heterosexual of sports!

This makes Andrew Keegan angry because he is the only one on the show who is allowed to play with balls. He punches Neckless J in the face and is like “WHY DO YOU NEVER HAVE SEX?” and in the trees Frankendowns throws acorns and sings songs about double penetration to the budding branches.

Tyler Doesn't Undertand How Backpacks Work.

Uh oh!  Now it is time for history class! Everyone hates the teacher, you guys. He’s not a nice man. And now he’s asking them…QUESTIONS ABOUT HISTORY? That is truly audacious. He wants to know some dates but no one can answer him because it is the year 1233 and none of these kids have smartphones. Except for Brooding Stefan! HIS MIND is a smartphone and he’s all, “Allow Me To Own You,” and he answers the questions right: all the questions. This excites the history teacher sexually.

Then school is over and it is time for sports and clubs and what have you - sexy ones! Elena is trying to be a cheerleader and Stefan is brooding around the football players, brooding about their butts.

"man…those are some good butts."

The cheerleaders keep trying to stand up but falling over because Caroline is not there to tell them how legs work. Where is Caroline, asks Bonnie the witch – BECAUSE HER POWERS AREN’T THAT GOOD. OR ARE THEY – because at that moment Caroline is there, getting out of Sexy Damon’s car wearin’ a neck scarf (tacky) and being all “YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE DATING SOMEONE WEIRD NOW ELENA!” and Elena says nothing because she forgets how talking works. Caroline tells her to stop practicing, because she is so awful because of how her parents died. Elena’s bones melt and she oozes into the grass to become one with her parents’ dessicating remains.

" I have not been compelled, Elena, I just have no taste."

Guess who’s coming to dinner, bitches? It’s Bonnie and Stefan! Bonnie is all “I AM A WITCH! I KEEP THINKING ABOUT CERTAIN NUMBERS AND ALSO I KNOW WHERE YOUR SPOONS ARE KEPT!” Elena is surprised, because she didn’t even know she owned spoons. Then the doorbell rings and Elena is all “OMG I LOVE DOORBELLS!” Turns out it’s Caroline and Damon – boo! Party crashers! Hiss! Burn them! Stefan tries to get Damon not to be invited in, but Elena is stupid and does anyway. Caroline is wearing an even worse scarf. Barf. Ugly. Murder her someone.

It’s a very awkward dinner party, the kind you think you won’t ever have to experience until you are at least 38. It’s full of silent recriminations and thinly-veiled murderous threats. Plus there are no canapes. Awkward meal sans canapes? Pffft. Count. Me. Out.

Meanwhile, at everyone’s favorite hotspot Mystic Grill, Matt (you guys, Matt is totally a major character, my bad, yo.) and Neckless J kvetch about Frankendowns who is pleasuring herself with an eight ball on the pool table  harkening back to her days as a Fun-Fun Girl in the wilds of Vietnam. Tyler beats the hell out of Neckless J while touching his member. But everything works out because Matt’s all “You guys. Let’s eat jalapeno poppers.” and ain’t no one can get their wrastle on when there jalees to be popped, ammiright?

Back at Elena’s (Where is her aunt? Where is JENNA? Ha ha, stupid Jenna. She’s probably coloring in her bedroom. Aw, you, you do it in the lines this time? Ha ha. Stupid.) Elena figures out that Sexy Evil Damon used to bone Damon’s ex Katherine, too! Elena tells Damon she is sorry about that and Damon immediately falls in love with her. Stefan and Damon have a quiet tender moment of solitude where Stef is like “stop eating Caroline, dude,” and Damon is like “Cool – I WILL JUST EAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND INSTEAD.” Soooooo – impasse.

instead of being in the show, they should just print up this picture of Ian Somerhalder and hold it up during his scenes.

Awwwww shit y’all! It’s the night of the big game! Everyone’s getting rowdy and they are excited because it turns out Steffie is really good at tossin’ a pigskin hither and yon. Andrew “Tyler” Keegan feels fat that day so he attacks Neckless J (like ya do, apparently) and when Steffie intervenes his little mitt gets cut! BUT IT HEALS BECAUSE OF VAMPIRE MAGIC. Elena is all “….wtf?” and Steffie is like “It’s cool baby, here wear this necklace full of anti-vampire flower so’s my brother can’t get inside your mind hole – I mean, pretty pretty necklace?”  and then Elena’s all “I love it and also I do not want to cheerlead anymore.” Just as they are about to kiss, Bonnie lands on Elena’s shoulder and is like “that weird feeling I had about this guy? It was…death.” which like, total boner killer.

in mere seconds their boners will be killed.

Then Damon kills the history teacher! Which like, awesome, right, because that guy bah-lows.

Everyone is mad because they can’t play football now and Steffie is all “my brother isn’t human, why do I want to make out with him so much?” but the joke is on him because Damon has some feelings and they are in his pants for Elena! COMPLICATIONS YOU GUYS!

Next time: Founder’s Day or Oh My God Does No One Ever Leave This Tiny Town?