Recap | Bones Season 6, Episode 16 ‘OH MY GOD THEY ARE IN AN ELEVATOR TOGETHER AND ALSO HORRIBLE THINGS WILL HAPPEN TO THE FETUS!’

I have to be honest; though my love for Fox’s hit drama Bones runs true and deep, they have been dangerously close to losing me – I blame Booth’s sassy, vaguely accented, now-ex girlfriend. Seriously though – was she foregin or deaf? One thing of which I am sure – she was lame. But not as lame as Booth for PROPOSING TO HER AND THEN THROWING THE RING INTO THE WATER WHAAAAAT!

Honestly that was the laziest way to get rid of a character ever. Have her be like “I can’t marry you. I don’t believe in marriage.” Whatever. Couldn’t she have been the sniper Booth was hunting down as this season’s arch? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love that dude from the Mummy, but what I wouldn’t have given to see Booth’s possibly deaf ex reveal herself as the heartless killer and then simper, “Whell Whell Whell”  all deaf/foreign-like while Booth dashed tears from his eyes and Bones was all, “Booth your ocular cavaties are producing water,” or something equally inane. BUT NO. THANKS FOR NOTHING BONES.

I shouldn’t be too pissy though because this episode pleased me in many ways. So many in fact that I shall list my top ten moments here.

1.) Camille’s Hair Continues To Be Hilarious.

She looked like this 18th century man and I loved it.

2.) A Blizzard Ex Machina

more like DELICIOUS EX MACHINA!

I love it when the show does this! It’s all “O Noes! A VIRUS! NOW WE ARE TRAPPED WITH NOT ONLY THE CRIME WE MUST SOLVE BUT ALSO OUR PERSONAL PROBLEMS!’ They did this at Christmas one year and it was the BEST. Everyone’s fam had to come visit them through glass! Zach Addy’s family, who would eventually drive him to madness and murder, I thiiiink sung to him – if I’m making that up I don’t care that’s how I’m remembering it from here on out.

3.) Hodgins Couldn’t Immediately Identify A Tick.

Hodgins sees a vagina for the first time.

I may have yelled “WHO IS KING OF THE LAB NOW, LOSER?”

4.) Looks Like The Baby Has Serious Problems You Guys

Ha ha. Doesn't this photo sort of remind you of two cats in a formal portrait? You know?

No playin’ but I want this baby dead. Ever since Angela conceived she has been a smug bitch and I find her tiresome. I want the baby to die and for her to lose it and maybe for Hodgins to become a drunk. The series may be granting me my wish because they randomly dropped – and seriously it was out of NO WHERE – both parents are LCA carriers which means the baby will be a blind piano playing sculptor. I am hoping that they find out the baby will for defs be blind and try some experimental therapy which kills it. Because I am the worst. I am Hitler but for babies I guess? Nice thing: Hodgins got to do some acting while talking about bugs – he was talking words about bugs but really he was talking about his feelings. Legit – this guy is good, a fact often overlooked by me as I tend to just be like “he has the hardest lines to memorize. He must subsist on ginko.”

5.) Booth And Brennan Got Stuck In An Elevator Together

THE ELEVATOR WAS A METAPHOR FOR HOW THEY ARE CAGED IN BY THEIR EMOTIONS.

COME ON SHOW! I was totally picturing the writers being like “Well, they’ve talked about this and not talked it and they have all kinds of feeling but both aren’t ready to discuss it so instead WE WILL FORCE THEM INTO AN ELEVATOR SO THEY CAN HAVE SEXY TENSION. You guys, I’m not kidding. BONES GIVES BOOTH A THAI CROTCHAL MASSAGE.

6.) Sweets Is Nearly Murdered By An Old Lady

I had that goose lamp in college. Also, Sweets contemplates life at Hogwarts.

So while B n’ B are trapped in the elevator Sweets occupies himself with this old lady who lives in Booth’s building. She dresses him in her husband’s clothes. It’s weird. But the hat looked adorable on him. Also his arm almost got chopped off by the elevator. Also I think Sweets might be Benjamin Button.

7.) Science Magic

Jeff knows science magic when he sees it you guys.

Once they lose power at the Jeffersonian the episode devolved into “Look What We Can Do” tricks ripped straight from the research department. It was nifty. Then it was a commercial for Samsung because Bones had to solve the crime from an elevator. With her Samsung Phone. She also took a break and listened to Wu Tang for like 5 minutes and when Booth kept being all “Is this necessary” she would just quietly scream and he stopped questioning her.

8.) The Crime Was An Afterthought.

there are women locked in that basement. Seriously. And we spend most of the episode just hoping the leads makeout. PRIORITIES – THEY HAZ THEM.

And that after thought involved human trafficking. Ha ha, Bones.

9.) Booth Offended The Criminal

couldn't find a good image for this, so I thought Reese Witherspoon yelling would work.

By calling him Boris. Then the guy crushed him with his body.

10.) Booth And Brennan Placate the Audience

THE FLAMES ARE A METAPHOR FOR THE FLAMES OF THEIR LOINS!

I was basically howling in faux-sympathetic-sexual frustration after these two failed to bang or even nuzzle a little yet AGAIN. However, the writers, knowing they are being mammoth cocks but trapped because the tension is what’s making people watch the show, totally tossed us all a bone (GET IT? BONE? BONES? BONES!) by having Booth and Brennan both pick a date by which they will agree to bang. THIS PLEASED ME IMMENSELY.

Tune in Next Week Where I May Or May Not Write A Sonnet About Wendell, The Spurned Blue-Collar Intern.