Recaps | Season 1 Episode 4 The One About Family

Founder’s Day you guys. It’s coming up. And there’s big fancy party like in old times and Elena is about to learn some secrets and Stefan is going to stop Evil Damon – FOR GOOD. OR. FOR THIS ONE TIME YOU GUYS.

(Ha ha ha ha – oh how young naive I once was, thinking I knew all there was to know about Mystic Falls. But since last we met I have completely caught up with the entire series. In fact, they’ve made me sheriff. It’s very hard. I don’t want to talk about it. Excuse me while I get a butch haircut.)

So what happened to our favorite Dawson’s Creek Crew Of Vampires – let’s rediscover, shall we?

penis feelings?

Oh  man, Stefan is not happy. Because he’s not getting his beauty rest – which, god knows, he needs. Without a solid eight hours Stefan actually is just all hair and that’s scary and exhausting. Why isn’t he sleeping? So glad you asked. It’s because Sexy Evil Damon has this power where he invades people’s dreams. Ha ha ha – what? You guys, why doesn’t he use that anymore? I mean, he could be using it alllll the time to conjure sexy feelings. Memo to Somerhalder: bitch you can haunt my dreams anyday, mkay? Mkay.

Anyway, Stefan’s pretty scared that Damon is going to rape-slash-kill his lady friend and that’s no good because when someone you have penis feelings for dies it becomes weird to have penis feelings for her, what with there being decaying flesh and all. So he gets all “leave my sacred vagina alone!” and just when Stefan realizes what he has said he blushes and he and Damon make out. Then Stefan writes in his diary (ha ha, oh man, they used to do this all the time! I can’t remember the last time any diarying happened on this show. Priceless. They are just so busy lately, no time to put pen to page. I bet if Elena has a spare sec she’s all ‘OMG KLAUS WTF MOLESKINE’ but that’s basically it. If Stefan still writes, it’s probably just sketches of Damon naked and in various poses reminiscent of ancient Greece – you know, for gay purposes.)

Meanwhile, back at Casa De Gilbert, Jenna is all like “DIE DIE DIE” to this news anchor which, like, ZOMG I totes do that too Jenna! Do we have something in common?! SHIT AM I THE ‘JENNA!’ NO ONE WANTS TO BE THE JENNA, YOU GUYS. NO ONE. IT MEANS LACKING ALL SOCIAL SKILLS, BEING LAME, AND NOT HAVING ANY IDEA OF WHAT IS GOING ON AROUND YOU. HIGH FIVE. Anyway, no, thank God, I’m not the Jenna. Because Jenna is saying DIE to the TV News anchor because they used to bone, and I just say it because I like to take out my aggression on the plasticine heads of the news world. While Jenna is sulking about this Wank of a News Anchor…A WANCHOR IF YOU WILL, Neckless J and Elena get into a fight about some old Gilbert family artifacts that Elena has agreed to share with the public as she is like Mystic Falls’ answer to Eva Perrone. Neckless J is Mystic Falls’ answer to  Muammar Gadhafi and is all “No! Pocket watch mine! Beards! The Youth!” but whatever, Elena opens her mouth and breathes and Neckless J huffs off and she wins this round: Good. I hate Neckless J.

Jenna, Jenna, Jenna…dreaming of bangs gone by.

Meanwhile, over in Caroline, The Queen Bitch’s (Sorry David Bowie) den of sexy times, Sexy Evil Damon keeps compelling her and railing about Twilight, which, hilarious, but also – really The Vampire Diaries, you wanna go down that road? Sigh, okay, so you are an ironic show now, and you are deep and darker than Twilight will ever be. Also with better abs and sexier. Also, Daaaaaaaaamon. Sorry. I’m back. Anyway we also learn how people are made vampires on the show and I guess that’s pretty important, so I’ve written a limmerick about it:

Being a vamp isn’t fun,

you must hide from the rays of the sun

with their blood in your belly

your knees to turn to jelly

they must kill you, so kindly don’t run.

THANK YOU I WILL BE HERE UNTIL 4PM. So yeah sex and biting happened by, Caroline remained human (…), and Damon compelled her into taking him to Founder’s Day Party. Not to be confused with the Founder’s Day Ball. Or the Founder’s Day Sack Race. Or the Founder’s Day Witch Burning. Anyway, this episode is a Very Special Episode, because Caroline is hiding the fact that she is being abused. Granted, it’s different than actual abuse because she is being compelled by a vampire not to tell anyone and to hide all her bruises but isn’t that just like a metaphor for life and real abuse? ISN’T IT?

Caroline: The Blossom of bad neck scarves. Seriously, WHAT IS THAT?

Back at the Salvatore love den – oh man I totally forgot about this character – he is stupid and wears too many turtlenecks. His name is something like Soon To Be Dead Salvatore Relation (S.T.B.D.S.R.) and – I’ll be straight with you – he’s not long for this world. Damon gets getting pissy at him and Stefan keeps interfering but it’s only so he can take Damon away with him and tenderly kiss the nape of his neck. Once he’s sung enough Bonnie Rait to get Damon to sleep, he creeps back down to the Dungeon of the House – which is an actual thing – and plans with S.T.B.D.S.R. to drug Damon with – dun dun duuuuun – vervain (vampire anti-boner juice that comes from a marijuana plant which S.T.B.D.S.R. grows in the dungeon, as one does.).

So Elena’s hanging out, right, trying to decide which Charlotte Rousse-purchased gown to slap on, when Witchy Bonnie shows up and she is stereotypically sassy and she says to Elena, “Gurrrrl, Stefan be lying! He stole Katherine Who Looks Just Like You But You Don’t Know That Yet from Damon!” and Elena’s all “Whaaaat, that is the opposite of what I thought had happened!’ and it makes her wonder, because apparently she doesn’t trust anything Stefan says and is easily swayed by her meddling friends. Best girlfriend ever, right guys? Then Not Andrew Keegan shows up to get the Gilbert Family Gemulons And What Have You to display at the Founder’s Part,y and the pocket watch is missing! And everyone is all – GAAAAAAASP. But then Elena is like, “Neckless J.” and he’s like, “I haz it,” but because their parents are dead, Elena just coughs and leaves the room like a whispy dust wraith.

Now we’re at the party! Caroline brings Evil Sexy Damon and her ugsville neckerchief. Can’t Damon compell her to have taste? (HIGH FIVE SELF) Then she fights with her mom and is all, “YOU A BITCH, MY DAD IS GAY,” and we’re all, “whoa.” And then Elena notices the original register from the first Founder’s Day Party (ha ha, right, because everyone at that party was like ‘you guys. we should do this. EVERY YEAR.”) and sees the names DAMON AND STEFAN SALVATORE! AAAHHHH VAMPIRES! BUT NO WAIT. IT’S OKAY BECAUSE THOSE ARE JUST NAMES FROM HISTORY. Damon makes sexy eyes about having been wronged by Stefan, Elena’ lip quivers because she has penis feelings for him. Damon scuttles sexily away (probably to haunt my dreams) and Elena tries to have A SERIOUS TALK WITH STEFAN who is all, “Bitch you ain’t nothing but a thang,” and leaves her alllllone on the daaaaance floor. Like the song says. That I just made up.

"Do you like my weiner?" "Depends…do you like mine?"

But then! Things! We learn that the watch Neckless J is hoarding actually is needed by….THE SECRET UNDERGROUND VAMPIRE HUNTING COUNCIL. Of course it is. And who is on this council? WHY BASICALLY EVERYONE. There is the mayor, the mayor’s wife, ‘Cilla Presley from Elvis and Me, the Butch Sheriff, and that Wanchor Jenna used to bone! Oh ho ho ho – he swears he’ll get the watch. This explains why he was returning to the scene of the crime before. And in this case the scene of the crime equals Jenna’s doubtlessly quivering nethers.

Damon is in a bad mood about everything and so he tries to kill Caroline, but Stefan drugged her with anti-vampire juice, thus, Stefan could lock Damon in the basement to make him be his private dancer, his dancer for money. Caroline has lost a lot of blood but it’s okay because her friends are there and she isn’t compelled anymore (OR IS SHE) and they all sing “I Will Remember You” together and then go skinny-dipping in the moonlight; so young, so blissfully unaware of the torment that they will soon endure. Though shivering, Caroline, fully dressed and observing from the shore has some inkling.

Inner thigh bites don’t lie, y’all.