Ever since the rapid approach of the royal wedding touched off an explosive media storm, I’ve been largely unaware and apathetic regarding the whole situation. So, while the world had their eyes on the royal wedding last night, I was drinking a Heineken and sitting on a curb with some friends.  I feel I am the winner, here, particularly after having heard about the wedding from my roommate this morning – the thing sounded like a colossal bore comparable to being forced to go to the wedding of a distant cousin you don’t even really know, only everything is much bigger, and takes much, much longer.  I mean, apparently the aisle was like 3 football fields long!  That’s like the equivalent of five miles!  She must have been walking forever!  I even watched about 5 seconds of it on YouTube, and it was just some snooty Brit going on and on about love and matrimony.


Man, you know what would’ve made the royal wedding WAY COOLER?




I mean, seriously, at a potential cost to the British economy of $50 billion, and an up-front estimated cost of 35-40 billion dollars, this wedding was sorely lacking in pyrotechnics.  Through the magic of computer generated imagery, I present you the royal wedding that could have been:


Part royal wedding, part reality show, Kate would only be able to reach William at the altar if she could make it through the minefield alive:

Surprisingly swift and clever - and looking positively dynamite in her royal wedding dress - Kate narrowly dodges a claymore explosion


Everyone knows that old story about how young couples in love get married, only to find their spouse COMPLETELY changed almost the moment they trade their vows.  But boy, was William’s face red when the couple exchanged their “I do’s” and she turned into into…AN EXPLOSION!!!


Prince William regards his new wife warily as she delicately hints at her secret volatile nature.


The British government also took this opportunity to unveil the Weaponized Assault Priest Program(WAPP), intended to be used in peacekeeping missions in the middle east, while Prince William feigned disinterest and Kate looked on with mild incredulity:


The priest goes ballistic.


Drunk with power and self-importance, the couple, in what is likely to be an incendiary move, celebrated their newly-established eternal bond by unleashing a powerful series of explosions on an unwitting wedding party:


The royal couple shares their first kiss.


And of course, the more you ignore an explosion, the cooler you look.


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