Crappy Caption Commentary | The Wang Archetype

Okay Chuck broke some glass and the shrapnel cut Blair and the world is now righteously furious because it means he’s abusive.

And yeah, saying an emotional and violent outburst is an act of love is kind of what abusive people do. It’s their hallmark. But Chuck Bass is a romantic hero. So that means he’s maybe less an abusive asshole and more the abusive hero. Folks. Chuck Bass is a Wang.

Big wang.

Wangs are kind of like Byronic Heroes. Only they’re maybe douchier. They’re definitely hotter. And women are more likely to throw their panties at a wang.

Gossip Girl producer Josh Safran, and EOnline’s Jennifer Arrow are quick to compare Chuck to other massive wangs like Rhett Butler. They don’t name drop, but they allude to Gothic heroes like Mr. Rochester and Heathcliffe. The wangiest wang heroes to ever get their dark and brooding wang on.

The Original Wangs.

And you know what? They’re totally right. Chuck is a romantic hero of the massive wang archetype. I know for a fact I would have lusted after his metrosexual little tooshie in my teen years. I was a girl who thought Fox Mulder was the epitome of sexy heroism. The guy who wanks off to footage of Bigfoot!

In an effort to understand the allure of the Wang I made a checklist of common Wang traits.

Common Wang Traits. Forgot Stalkery. You can add it to your own Wang Trait Checklist.

Ten bucks if you are a lady you at some point lusted after a guy in television, films or books who exhibited many of the traits above. But why? What about these guys (besides the hair) makes them so delicious for a teenage girl?

In high school everything is so much more intense than as an adult. I one time CRIED at a thespian meeting because of emotions. A THESPIAN MEETING. Our emotions are heightened. And we lack control. We make poor choices and we say stupid things and maybe we think snake-skin cowboy hats and neon orange Doc Martins are good fashion choices. Also we eat things we shouldn’t.

Guys, teenage girls are Vampire Caroline.

We've all been there Caroline.

And yeah, a vampire girl is going to gravitate towards a vampire boy/Wang.

Only most of the heroines making sexy eyes at these guys AREN’T vampire girls. Scarlett O’Hara is one of maybe like three heroines in Wang Archetype stories that can stand up to the Wang she’s meant to lust for. Bella, Jane, even Blair. These women have self-control. They’ve got their shit together. They don’t rip out jugulars with their teeth and they cower when their men get all violent and in their face. They demure in the face of Wangs. And that makes the Wang a little less sexy and a little more creepy.

Joss Whedon got that. So do the writers of The Vampire Diaries. Angel, Spike and Damon are all wangs.

The Vampire Wang Sub-Type.

But there’s a reason to their wanginess. Two of them DON’T HAVE SOULS. And the other is from a vampire mythology where they can “turn off their humanity.” These are characters who are literally incapable of empathy or remorse. That’s different then Chuck Bass or Edward Cullen who are the sort of characters who probably need to invest in a lot of therapy.

And the problem with Wangs like Chuck Bass versus a Wang like Angelus is that Chuck Bass is a slippery slope.

If you’re not careful he’ll turn into someone like Sosuke from Last Friends.

Sosuke was actually an abusive boyfriend. It was like the writers went down a checklist of abuse hallmarks and had him act out every single one. But he also was a social worker with a genuine affection for kids.

Japanese teenage girls went crazy for him. Because he was constantly motivated by love and clearly tortured over his inability to control his abusive ways the girls were all a-flutter.

You have to be careful when you introduce a Wang character. If you don’t have him paired of with a Vampire Girl (totally another archetype for another Crappy Caption Commentary) or you don’t acknowledge his evilness, then he’s just creepy and abusive. NOT romantic.

But the teenage girls will flock to his broodiness and beautiful hair anyways.