I Finally Watched Lady Gaga’s Judas Video

I’ve never thought of myself as an especially blasphemous person. Sure I may have appropriated the Words of Institution when serving meals before (take, eat, this is my hot dog given to you) and I’ve cursed in a church before. But I’m not rolling out Christ on the cross doing a tap dance to “You’re Just to Good to Be True.” I mean I have SOME standards.

And I’ve been offended by instances of blasphemy in the media before. I’m the very first person to go off the handle when someone claims God was married because they’ve just discovered that religion is mutable and changes over the centuries.

But man, I just can’t muster any kind of feelings for Lady Gaga’s “Judas” video.

The Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights took great offense. They tend to take offense when someone sneezes in a church so it isn’t especially big news. But I kind of find myself agreeing with their president, Bill Donahue.

DAMN IT Lady Gaga. The man is right. You made me agree with this dude and now I’m sad. Though I wouldn’t necessarily call her boring, but this video and song are absolutely calculated to cause controversy.

“Born This Way” was kind of a dumb song with a nice message and a music video full of alien vaginas. It didn’t blow me away but alien sexual organs always get a pass from me so whatever. But “Judas” is just straight up pandering. In high school she’s the girl standing up on stage singing Genie in a Bottle while strung up on some 2x4s meant to represent a cross. You can’t get offended because she’s trying so damn hard but you can’t really find it funny or ironic because she’s trying so damn hard.

And I wish it was just the subject matter and the iconography on display that has me staring blankly and thinking about how awesome the “Telephone” video is. But it’s got the other brother from The Boondock Saints in it as Judas. Lady Gaga you are Miss Thang. You couldn’t find someone more hunky and dark and dreamy to play Judas. I mean he is an original Wang! Dude deserves respect for being a complete bastard governed by fate (and now I’ve offended someone. Peace out whoever you are.)

BETTER JUDAS. He's even on a motorcycle!

Now there’s a Judas I’d leave Jesus for. Am I right?

Okay. So we’ve got the brother that didn’t play Powder as Judas. And we’ve got the super pathetic friend from Reaper, a show that lasted all of two seasons, as Jesus. Again. I’m just…meh. Like these are D-list actors. Wouldn’t it have been more shocking to go with someone more A-list?

Now this is a Jesus I can get behind for the sake of shocking.

Or some dudes that actually feel like badass bikers?

It just felt half assed. As half assed as the full minute of guys pouring water and beer on Gaga’s ass.

Or when this happened. Who found this provacative? I just found it silly.

Ooo a gun with lipstick on it going into his mouth. It’s supposed to be a penis and she’s doing his face with it because she’s a whore or something.
Just. No.  This was like watching that movie where Robert Downey Jr rescued Jamie Foxx from himself so they could try and get Oscars. It was too damned much.

And the very, very, very worst offense?

It was boring and lacked narrative.

Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go watch the “Telephone” video again because it’s awesome.