Telemundo is airing a new telenovela based on the Criterion Classic selection, Maid in Manhattan starring the ineffable Madame Jennifer Lopez. In other news, I’ve killed myself. I kid I kid, ha ha, suicide isn’t funny at all! Truth be told, I’m of two minds regarding this inevitability brought to us courtesy of Telemundo, a subsidiary of Comcast. Firstly, Maid in Manhattan – the film nominated for over forty Oscars at least seven Cesare awards – is an arsenic-laden fart-in-a-car of a film. It is a love song to two things, Ms. Lopez’s impressive – though rapidly diminishing – back-bottom, and Things Ralph Fiennes Will Do For a Beach House. This movie is, simply put, a hot bath paired with sharp razor. I would rather watch Voldemort seduce Gigli – OH WAIT THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED ON THE SCREEN AND WE LET IT! WE LET IT HAPPEN AMERICA! Why anyone would want to relive this agony – over a period of years, potentially no less – is far, far, far, beyond me. All that said – ain’t no one can make something watchable like Telemundo can make something watchable. Seriously. If they released a statement saying they were releasing a telenovela about the trials and tribulations of an eight year old who couldn’t read so great and also had a skin disease which made him allergic to the sun – I WOULD WATCH THAT EVERYDAY ACTUALLY. So yeah, maybe this show will be good? I mean honestly even the movie might have been more watchable had it not been WTF RALPH FIENNES REALLY? "my husband is a mummy - I FEAR NOTHING."