The Nine Lives of Chloe King Is My New Summer Crack

Summer is the worst because all of the good tv is over with for a while. Except for maybe In Plain Sight and a few other, rare, good summer shows. It’s really bad if you like fun teen shows like The Vampire Diaries. Because nothing can compare to TVD.

But damn it, Chloe King and friends will try!

The Nine Lives of Chloe King might be my new favorite summer show. It’s ballsy in how outrageous it is and the Buffy and Vampire Diaries undercurrents give it a certain allure that a geek like me can really get behind.

It’s also heads and tails better then Teen Wolf though that show has Teen Wolf Bowling. All this show has is parkour and Cat People.

We’ll be recapping all of Chloe King‘s first season and you should follow along with us because this show is ridicufun.

Chloe King: my manicurist's nightmare.

THE FIRST EPISODE

So Chloe King. She’s the quirky child of a single mom and she has really extraordinary balance and two days from now she’s going to get pushed out of a tower by an Ugly Elf.

Chloe has two friends. Adorable Non-Threatening Guy Friend (Paul) and Anna Kendrick’s Double (Amy). The three are best friends forever and totally okay with each other and completely devoid of any sexual jealousy or tension or anything else. They’ve known each other since they were tiny and because it’s Chloe’s VERY IMPORTANT SIXTEENTH BIRTHDAY Adorable Non-Threatening Guy Friend and Anna Kendrick’s Double want to do the same thing they do every year.

Chloe is all, “F IT. Let’s go daaaancing.”

And they do. And she meets a hot guy named Xavier and I assume that he’ll be a big part of the show because he’s attractive and the name Xavier is too random and she just kissed him out of nowhere after complaining about never kissing hot guys.

At school the next day she’s bragging about her tenure as the kissing bandit when this a-hole starts throwing a basketball at the point directly above Chloe’s head. But Chloe, future leader of the Cat People, has reflexes that she didn’t have when she was 15. She grabs the ball and tosses it down the hallway and into a trashcan. If Miami had snagged her instead of LeBron they’d still have that $14.5 million salary and maybe they’d have some rings this year (obligatory basketball joke because my hometown team won a basketball championship after being the worst team in the NBA through my entire childhood).

Jerk Jock is shway impressed and gets all up in her grill and starts smelling her. Also he is British. She’s okay with his accent but creeped out because he’s running his nose along her neckline. She accidentally makes a joke about his balls. I laugh because testicle jokes are nearly always funny.

Later she goes to a shop and I spend five minutes trying to figure out if she works there. Like, in high school I went to Dairy Queen ALL  THE TIME and kind of pretended I worked there but I didn’t. I get the same vibe from Chloe because girl is a terrible salesperson but really good at just hanging out.

A cute boy comes in and buys a cat hat. FORESHADOWING MAYBE. This is the third boy to express interest in her since she turned sixteen. Apparently the Cat People exude sex pheromones when they turn 16? No? Maybe? If all the Cat People get together will it just turn into an orgy of bedroom eyes? I hope so.

She leaves the place where she worked or didn’t work (I never figured that out) and is nearly hit by a cyclist but her CAT LIKE REFLEXES save her and she poses like a swimsuit model on a car while looking confused. Then she does exactly what I’d do in the same position. She realizes she’s now much more awesome then she used to be and races across the city all parkour style. Nine Lives of Chloe King you are the best. Let’s hang out and talk about boys.

EVEN BETTER. She promptly tells Anna Kendrick’s Double (Amy) all about it. The chemistry between these two is really kind of fantastic. The back and forth and consistent use of insults is all kinds of believable teenage girl. Also when Chloe talks about British Dude kissing her I love how Amy nearly explodes with excitement. These girls remind me of me and my friends…only they’re much “girlier” and much, much, much better dressers.

On her way home a hobo attacks her and she cuts his face like a pimp in Unforgiven because NOW SHE HAS CAT CLAWS BECAUSE SHE’S A CAT PERSON. She promptly runs home and hugs her mother, who has some serious eye baggage. They talk about the tiny, and really pretty, cake her mom got her and then try not to talk about her dad. He’s not there which means he’s either a Cat Person in hiding or he’s dead and it’s related to Cat People.

Oh, and Chloe is adopted. Damn it, there went my hope that her mom was secretly a Cat Person too. She’s also Ukrainian and her mother insinuates that her dad paid off the mob to get her into the US. Oh CHLOE. She’s a little sad and goes to bed.

So these nails she now has…like how would it work if she painted her regular nails? Would her new nails retain the color? Or would there just be these little globs of paint on her cat nails?

Back to the show!

The next morning she and Amy go shopping but it’s the place she’s always at so is it shopping or work? I am still confused about her position at this store. Also remember how I said these girls were better dressed than I was at that age? Scratch that because holy hell what is Amy wearing? This is what’s Harvey Keitel’s girlfriend would have worn to the Arctic in Sister Act in 1992…if there had been a scene in the Arctic in Sister Act.

Chloe is worrying about what she’s becoming but Anna Kendrick’s Double has grown tired of Cat People and makes her call Xavier. She leaves a message. He won’t get it. He’s dead.

RIP Xavier.

They leave the store and run into cat hat boy. He’s really attractive, but he has a smile like the Joker.

Joker smiles ain’t no thang for Chloe King. She goes on a date with him and they talk about her adoption and her dad leaving. Excellent first date topics Chloe.

Then a dog barks at her because CHLOE KING IS A CAT PERSON AND DOGS HATE CATS. Of course. I love you Nine Lives of Chloe King.

She’s freaked out by the dog and walks home but realizes she’s being followed. So she runs up into a tower and Ugly Elf kills her. I might have shouted “LAND ON YOUR FEET LIKE A CAT” at the tv. My dog was not amused.

Then she gets up because the show isn’t called One Life of Chloe King.

And then British Jock’s cousin tackles her because she and British Jock ARE CAT PEOPLE TOOOOOO.

And now we know that the Cat People are all the children of Set and are half gods and if they kiss humans the humans DIE. Ooo this will lead to auto-angst whenever she wants to bone a human. This also means that she should be with British Jock.

Chloe is super upset about murdering Xavier and is crying and it’s sad and then she mentions that she’s died once already and they call her the Uniter and act like she’s Jesus and she runs away.

At home she takes a shower. Look at her back. That is messed up. It’s a great way to establish the rules of her 9 lives. Bravo Nine Lives of Chloe King. Again you win me over with your cleverness.

I mean that just…ouch.

Ugly Elf goes and tells a guy in a limo all about Chloe King. He looks familiar.

Back at home Anne Kendrick’s Double runs in and is freaking out. Is it because she thought Chloe was dead? No it’s because her boyfriend stood her up. Then Chloe is like, “Damn it woman I fell on my back from like 8 stories up. Forget about your stupid boyfriend!” But when she shows Amy her back it’s all smooth. Love that beat of seriousness from Amy. I think she’s my favorite.

Paul then calls because he’s been kidnapped by Ugly Elf. Of course.

Chloe and Amy head out to rescue Paul and Chloe shows off her new nails and Amy is horrified and confused.

In the warehouse Paul is being adorable. I want to squeeze his cheeks.

Ugly Elf shows up and he’s got lots of weapons. Also when he smiles in the dark he’s kind of actually cute.

Chloe goes all Cat Eyes and attacks him. The fight scenes are 900% better than the fight scenes in Teen Wolf.

Outside the Cat People arrive and they and Amy run in to help. Amy’s outfit now makes sense. Her running inside? Hysterical.

Like Willow before her, Amy is my favorite.

Fight fight fight!

Everyone tries to help Chloe fight Ugly Elf. They all suck. Paul reveals himself to basically be Xander.

Does that make Amy Willow?

Yes because she just whacked Ugly Elf with some sort of electrified stick. What was that? Magic? Was it magic? I’m going with magic.

Then Ugly Elf runs away but not before sending a throwing star into Brit Jock’s cousin’s back. Brit Jock takes her away to be healed and we cut to the guy from the limo who is cute guy with Joker’s smile’s dad. Noooooooooooooooo. Also really good casting!

Cue montage. Unconscious cousin. Brit Jock. Mom looking through important adoption papers. Cute Joker smile guy and finally Chloe reading an e-mail from her dad.

Oh and Brit Jock again. He’s stalking Chloe. I’d be upset but he went from creepy to awesome in half a second so I love him now.

NOTES

• Set was the dog headed Egyptian god you always see in pictures of Egyptian gods. He went from the god of deserts to the demon god of chaos and darkness in a few millennia and now we all know him as a vaguely evil dude.
• Brit Jock aka Alek aka Benjamin Stone is the voice of Dumbledore in essentially every Harry Potter video game ever. Daaang does Dumbledore clean up nice or what?
• This series is based on a series of books by Celia Thomson. I kind of want to read them all now.
• Thomson is also known as Elzabeth Braswell and she has a degree from Brown in EGYPTOLOGY. I expect awesome and dense mythological stuff from her.
• The cat people are known as Mai. I had to double check that spelling.
• An super dense plot and a great rapport between the principle characters means I’ll definitely be coming back for more of this show. It’s basically Vampire Diaries Lite which is perfect for summer tv.