Why You Absolutely Have To See Green Lantern

Green Lantern apparently had a “soft” opening. Its called “soft” because that emasculates its producers and makes them ashamed over ever releasing the film. It also means everyone is laughing at them because their opening wasn’t “hard” enough. Hollywood, stop being obsessed with penises ‘kay? And also since when is $52 million in three days bad? That’s only bad if you’re a jerk.

Anyways I talked about this briefly over on the FemPop Tumblr and then I realized I really wanted to expand on this idea.

I saw Twilight and New Moon in the theaters because I wanted the series to do well. Not because of its creepy ideas about dudes or because apparently it is causing an entire generation of girls to go stupid (look I watch Luke and Laura growing up and I don’t have many rape fantasies…often so I doubt these girls are going to go crazy with a need for stalkers). I saw those movies because at some point, if they did well enough, Breaking Dawn would be made and there would be c-sections with teeth and preternatural sentient babies and werewolf pedophilia and bed breaking banging and damn it! I wanted to SEE THAT.

So I paid my dues people. I went to the movie theaters that serve the beer and I watched those movies and I drank and had older women shush me and, damn it, I was there. And those movies did well and now we’re finally going to get some Breaking Dawn movies and they’re going to include everything above.

And any Green Lantern sequel probably won’t be that crazy (though I can hope).

But here’s the thing. There was a teaser at the end of the movie that set up Sinestro as a bad guy. If that was a spoiler I’m sorry. But look at that name and do even a CURSORY search on Google. He’s been Green Lantern’s A++ villain for years. So f you it wasn’t a spoiler it was common knowledge and you’re ill-informed.

Back to these sequels. The next one will feature Mark Strong as Sinestro and he will be evil. YAWN WHO CARES. But IF a second film were to get made and IF it did well then we’d get a third film because this whole thing was conceived as a trilogy (apparently).

And you know what you get in that third film?

Tatas!

No but that is Carol Ferris as Star Sapphire. After (though really she should be before) Sinestro she’s one of Green Lantern’s biggest baddies. She’s got a ring and she shoots purple beams all over the place and she has some sort of spectacular and invisible breast support system going on that makes this pair of double Ds jealous.

Star Sapphire is kind of crazy awesome. Really. She’s crazy. When Carol Ferris turns into Star Sapphire she’s Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction times Brittany Murphy in Girl Interrupted and she has SUPER POWERS. And it’s a love story with Hal Jordan trying desperately to get back the woman he loves while she’s trying to kill him.

I know crazy jealous girlfriends are totally tired and Super Ex-Girlfriend kind of made it even worse but this gets a pass because it’s basically body possession. Carol Ferris isn’t Carol Ferris when she’s Star Sapphire. She’s possessed by the purple light of LOVE.

And that may sound incredibly stupid to you. Well, so do c-sections with teeth.

That’s why this movie needs to happen.

We need to see BLAKE LIVELY possessed by LOVE and junk. It will be twenty times better than watching Kristen Stewart try to act out that birth scene.

So do yourself a favor. Get a little sloshed and go see Green Lantern. Tell your friends to go see it. All go together and just drunkenly riff on the movie and have a gay olde time. Then go see that next one which will probably be boring and full of garish yellow light which will totes clash with all the green. Again, drink if you have to.

Then get excited for THIS:

I love the internet. You can always find fan art when you need it.