Falling Skies Is Remarkably Old Fashioned

I’ve been chewing on this show for the better part of the day and trying to come to terms with my strong feelings. There’s a lot to like about the show. The alien and alien mech design is gorgeous, the idea of “harness kids,” children stolen and possessed by aliens, is cool and creepy, and the show is basically a post-Apocalypse story. It’s like a ground-based Battlestar Galactica with a lot of similar themes and conflicts (run, retain humanity, army vs civies).

See that adds up to a very likable show! But execution is…off and this show has some really old-fashioned views on masculinity and femininity.

1. Noah Wyle, the Professor of Death

So Noah Wyle is Tom Mason. He was a history professor at Boston College. Not Harvard or MIT, but Boston. Whatever. Anyways because he was a history professor that makes him suited to being a part of the militia? I guess. I’m still not clear on the rules to getting into this militia.

But yeah, Mr. Skinnypants (he is so skinny!) likes to constantly reference famous battles so you remember he knows about history and stuff and other people constantly call him a teacher or professor so you can NEVER FORGET IT. Never mind he’s basically just name-dropping super famous battles that have little to no bearing on the present. Dude name drop some seriously kick ass guerilla warfare things! BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT YOU ARE.

2. Moon Bloodgood, the Sexy Eyes Doctor

Moon Bloodgood is Noah Wyles new wife. His old wife was killed. Bloodgood’s old husband was killed. Now they’re going to make sexy eyes at each other all season before realizing they belong together. DEAL WITH IT. But a question. In this world where survivors are at a minimum why doesn’t this woman have/know how to use a gun? Like everyone should be armed, not just the random thirteen year old, all the minorities and Noah Wyle’s family.

Instead Moon Bloodgood is the de facto leader of the civilians and a doctor. So she’ll be around for quite a while and lead a rebellion eventually against…

3. Will Patton, the jerk they all hate

Will Patton! One of my favorite loveable character actors! And he is tasked with a stupid job. He has to be the one that “hates the civies.” Here is a tip, GIVE THE CIVIES GUNS. Why are they civilians and this group of random characters considered “soldiers?” This isn’t Battlestar Galactica where being a soldier requires training. They already said all the true soldiers are dead, SO WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON? And why are the soldiers primarily guys and the civilians all women and old men. You are fighting for your LIVES why on earth are you excluding people based on sex or age?

Will Patton you will be the focus of my fury over this really idiotic attachment to gender roles. Because it was really obvious that boys fight and girls cook except for really old men who aren’t masculine enough to fight. They fix cars and prepare to eventually be murdered by aliens.

And Will, buddy, the aliens have the skies. They’ve like GOT THAT so why on earth aren’t you travelling with cover? Every road you take can be seen from above and when you decide to settle you stick everyone in a giant meadow. One alien flies by and BOOM no more civies who can’t use guns. IS THIS YOUR PLAN? I hope it is a plan and not just failure to think on the part of the show’s creative forces.

4. All the chicks love Noah Wyle’s son’s d*ck

I need to be on set I think to understand the magic that is this kid’s wiener. Because boy do the ladies love him. He’s got THREE girls making gaga eyes at him.

Blond #1 is his girlfriend. She’s wildly insecure about her femininity to the point that I wanted to throw a dress on her and tell her she’s beautiful just so she’d stop being so embarrassing about it.

Brunette #1 isn’t in the militia. There is no reason for why, but this makes her much more feminine because guns make you masculine. So Blond #1 REALLY hates her and likes to spray pheromones on the son so he’ll remember where to get his honey.

Blond #2 has seen shit man. She’s through the ringer and is a delicate flower that Son wants to pluck. She’s also super good at fighting which makes her even more unapproachable, but she’s been raped so you know she’s sexually desirable.

I don’t even–what was up with these three and who thought it was a good idea to make them this way? And why do we need a romantic QUADRANGLE. I don’t want that. Blond #1 needs to realize she doesn’t need a man to be feminine and she needs to go off and ride her motorcycle around and be awesome. Blond #2 is written into a hole and will now “require fixing” so SIGH. But let her make some friends who are girls okay? Instead of obviously finding friendship and affection in the arms of the son.

Brunette #1 pick up a gun WE ARE AT WAR. GOSH.

5. Noah Wyle’s sons

The littlest son, Matt? He’s perfectly fine.

The oldest son, Hal? Needs to die in a fire. This kid will be the death of this show for me. He’s all firey and out to save lives but he’s an idiot. Falling Skies kill him off so we know there are stakes. Please. Or make him get hit in the head and turn super smart and stop being an idiot and then have him reject all the ladies and tell Brunette #1 that maybe she should be fighting instead of carrying water. WHATEVER.

He is even dumb on a motorcycle. BLOND #1 YOU CAN DO BETTER.

I hope this show gets its shite together. There’s so much to like. For all my whining the cast is amazing. Bloodgood and Wyle have chemistry and can act. That scene of them walking up the hill and seeing an old house was a quiet moment and one that I found myself wanting to be longer.  It was way better than the feel good moment with the skateboard…unless they start using skateboards to wage war and it becomes SOLARBABIES. TNT THIS IS A TURN OF EVENTS I WOULD WELCOME.

NOTE: I’m calling it now. The mechs? Being piloted by alien controlled kids. YOU HEARD IT HEAR FIRST.

Make your own important comments about the show and tell me to stop worrying about the lard assed civilians in the comments below.