Prime Gossip: S**t, Gwen.

Prime Gossip is FemPop’s top three picks for the day’s most sickeningly buzz-worthy gossip.

1.) Gwyneth Paltrow got arrested for murder. Actually what happened was she was pulled over for speeding. But my story is better. In mine she baked up fat fans into pies and then came over to my house going “ARE YOU HAPPY NOW BECCA? ARE YOU!” And I was you guys. I really was.

2.) Um somehow I missed it that Natalie Portman had her baby. This makes me 1.) a person of higher caliber than I thought. 2.) a very bad gossip reporter. Now that she is a mom and thus undesirable to a certain type of male maybe I will get laid. YOU DO THE MATH.

3.) Oh but wait now Paris Hilton is single again so the same guys who’d no longer be down to tap Portman’s mommy nanni (their words) are probably all getting the same jet to plunder Hilton’s breakfast buffet.