Rizzoli & Isles, The Gayest Show On Television, Is Back
By Alex Cranz
Folks the gayest show on television is back. I’m serious. Rizzoli & Isles is gayer then all the Fast and Furious movies combined. But would any of us have it any other way? I hope not. Like Moonlighting, X-Files, and Bones before it R&I is all about the crazy sexual tension between the leads. So what if it’s two straight ladies!
Last season things ended with Rizzoli shooting a bad guy by shooting THROUGH herself. Then she fell down in the longest slow mo shot every put to film. I had time to make cupcakes. Did she die? Is this show now Ghost Rizzoli & Isles? Will Isles spend each week hunting bad guys with a partner only she can see?
They make us wonder. Things start with a newscaster talking about how Rizzoli is being honored for her slow motion shooting while someone makes bombs. And Isles is looking concerned and wearing black and flashing back to that day. So are Korsak and Frost. Only they’re also wearing police uniforms. Nooo. This really could be about Isles and her new ghost partner! Awesome!
But wait. IT ISN’T. Rizzoli is alive and eating cereal. Isles comes in and their first conversation? About Rizzoli’s privates. Isles is all concerned and worried for wounded Rizzoli but she can only express it in her Aspie way. If Aspies were all Data from Star Trek? I don’t know. Is it politically incorrect to say Aspie if you aren’t an Aspie? I should get informed or maybe not make that comment in the future. Isles goes into Rizzoli’s bedroom to retrieve clothing and is horrified by the state of things. Which only makes Rizzoli giggle.
Then she comes in with Rizzoli’s uniform and threatens to change her herself. Rizzoli doesn’t want to wear it because it makes her look like a man. How she said that without turning into Mrs. Swann I’ll never know.
And now they’re touching and talking about symbols and holy hell Sasha Alexander smiles just like Jessica Capshaw. I feel they could be twins.
And now we’re at the dinner which is a joint Boston PD and Army awards dinner. Rizzoli does look a little mannish but that’s more how she’s walking and that bun which is just YIKES. Also she flashes back and then gives a speech about heroism while Isles acts like her mom, which is funny because Rizzoli’s mom is there…and not acting like her mom. Aw then she says that Isles is the hero. Adorable. Wait. Why does she get to give a speech but that Army woman doesn’t? This dinner is biased against Army women.
Rizzoli sits down and notices that her dad is missing then she runs into the beard of the week. A good-looking Army Lt. Colonel. Then her mom comes up and hugs her and bursts into tears. The only way she can communicate is through writing. Turns out her parents are getting a divorce. Man, dads don’t skips dinners. Also Rizzoli has something on her tie which Isles then spits cleans and Rizzoli lets her.
Aw man, the beard is kind of attractive and adorable. Poor beard of the week. He goes off for prune juice (because that’s all Rizzoli’s perforated bowel can handle) and she talks to the Army girl. Then they hug. Woah that chick is taaaall. Beard comes back with water and they see Isles with HER beard of the week who talks in the royal we and Rizzoli hates. I WONDER WHY. The girls go off to talk about their beards and I’m 90% positive that the beards can hear the entire conversation. Which is kind of great. The conversation ends with Isles prescribing sex. Prescribing or offering eeeeeh?
Rizzoli’s beard escorts her to her car and they flirt. Army girl gets into her own car and then it explodes…because this show is about R&I solving murders, not about their beards. Isles comes outside and makes a beeline for Rizzoli for a little cuddle.
Then their boss sends Rizzoli home with her brother. Which is a great opportunity for them to talk about their parents’ divorce. Apparently it all came down to money. Sad.
The next morning Rizzoli tries to go to work but security won’t let her in. Isles arrives with her beard who won’t clear Rizzoli for duty because he’s a dick. Rizzoli twists Isles’ arm and makes her sneak Rizzoli in.
Now all alone do they talk the case? Nope. Sex. And start touching. And look deeply into each other’s eyes. And then a body is rolled in and that’s ALL YOU GET. The body is the Army girl’s and Rizzoli panics and runs into Isles’ office. Isles follows and they cuddle and talk about the new decoration in Isles’ office. It be ridiculous folks.
Rizzoli uses it as an opportunity to guilt her way upstairs where she then begs to be on the case. They talk about crime stuff and I realize that Korsack looks just like my dad. It’s kind of making me concerned. Back to crime stuff, Rizzoli offers to bring in her beard to help with the case. He’s super smart about bomb stuff. Then she checks with Isles about dead body stuff. Then she interviews Army girl’s ex-boyfriend who was also in her platoon…and the other survivors. I love these three actors because they’re clearly like THIS IS MY TIME TO SHINE AS AN ACTOR. Same with the head army guy who’s really broken up about Army girl’s death.
All that interviewing makes a lady thirsty and Rizzoli invites her beard over for drinks and sex.
And who walks in the next morning? Isles with a shotgun full of jealousy? Nope. Rizzoli’s mom. Oh mooooom. Oh man the look on Rizzoli’s face. I nearly peed myself.
The best part is how Rizzoli’s mom is more upset then Rizzoli. But then this turns into more divorce talk. And talk about Rizzoli’s brother Tommy…who last we saw was getting OUT of prison. Apparently that didn’t go well because in three months he’s gone straight back. Rizzoli then offers to have her mom stay with her but it’s too late! Isles already invited Ma to live with her! Trying to get to the woman through her parents eeeeeh?
She pretty much says as much when Rizzoli confronts her about it later. Isles’ beard waltzes in and is a giant cock. Rizzoli wants no part of it and leaves. Isles tries to talk to the beard about Rizzoli because she’s concerned and he tells her to shut her lady face. So she breaks up with him. The end.
Oh wait, it’s still going because now R&I are hanging with Rizzoli’s beard and talking MURDER. Turns out Army girl? The big hero? When she was being heroic she was hit by friendly fire and there was some sort of cover up. Beard is like NO NOT POSSIBLE. But Rizzoli takes Isles side and beard breaks up with her and leaves. R&I head off to interview Army girl’s ex and his car explodes! Expensive! Fortunately he wasn’t in it and they take him back to the station for an interview. He basically gives up the weepy Army guy. SCIENCE and POLICE WORK confirms it. The men go off to arrest him and R&I watch from a live feed. But then the guy they went to arrest? Explodes in his home. CASE CLOSED.
Only Isles, the professional, uses science and realized that the dead man was in love with Army girl. He didn’t shoot her. Naturally Rizzoli is interviewing the ex-boyfriend. The real murderer. Who pulls a grenade on her and her beard. We find out his motivation for the murder (jealously) and Rizzoli and the beard tackle him and win the day and disarm the grenade. For a second I thought the beard was going to walk away with the grenade and blow up, BUT HE DIDN’T. Instead he meets up with Rizzoli at the station and breaks up with her. Then hands her off to Isles for safe keeping. Rizzoli talks about being scared and honestly I can’t figure out if they’re talking about sex or the grenade. Then they touch each other a bunch and leave the office.
END OF SEASON 2 EPISODE 1, WE NEED ANOTHER HERO.