Rizzoli & Isles Are Never Gay When Child Abductions Are Involved

“W R U” is really a thing? Seriously? I’m almost okay if this kid dies. Is that wrong? Well so is that attempt at a sentence tiny girl. Now I suspect you’ll die soon because you look like Rachel from Glee and some creepy and dirty lady is luring you into her car. Oh no and there’s also a dude in the car! And your little brother saw it all!

After the credits Isles is tugging on her clothes and worrying that she’s morbidly obese. Like a wise girlfriend Rizzoli responds with snarky humor and calls Isles a fat ass. Then they talk about working out or drinking beer. Before that can be settled the little brother from the pre-credits sequence rushes in with his panicked mother. It just so happens that Rizzoli knows the victim. Korsak takes the mom upstairs and Rizzoli stays downstairs to interview the kid while Isles watches all maternally.

So maternal.

Why did they get this kid so many cookies and milk? Rizzoli is being so tender. Oh man I forgot her mom works there now and she’s listening in while Rizzoli and Isles discuss the kid. Then Frost comes down and retrieves Rizzoli while Isles stays with the kid.

And things get shouty upstairs. “Dan” the kid’s dad is another cop and he comes up and yells at his wife and freaks out. I’m going to assume he’s the kidnapper for now because his wife kicked him out of the house and the actor is pretty well-known.

Oh man Korsak though the same thing as me! Yea for Korsak! While Frost hacks the girl’s social network sites Korsak argues with Rizzoli over whether they should investigate Dan. (They should.)

And then Frost comes in and tells them they’ve found a body.

More histrionics at the site of the body. Rizzoli is nervous about looking at a dead girl and Dan shows up and basically tries to be Amy Ryan in Gone Baby Gone.

Fake out! She’s not Dan’s daughter. So Rizzoli stop crying. You’re too butch for tears.

Now they have a kidnapping AND a murder and because the two happened so closely together they’re probably related. And I’m just realizing that this episode is probably going to be super serious and devoid of awesome Rizzoli and Isles flirting. BLECH. More cop stuff happens and all the cops leave and Isles talks to the dead girl.

Upstairs Rizzoli’s mom is trying to help comfort the kid and Rizzoli walks in. Is it just me or is Angie Harmon wearing a lot of makeup?

Seriously. Chica be dolled up.

Then she shows the little kid a photo of the dead girl…who appears to be just as made up as Rizzoli.

She goes back downstairs and we learn that the dead girl was molested and held in captivity and starved. They name check Elizabeth Smart and Rizzoli gets angry that a woman participated in these abductions. Isles defends the woman who helped and calls her a victim as well. Because apparently only men can commit horrific crimes and if women are involved they’re automatically victims. I DISAGREE. Then Isles communes with the dead girl some more. I really hope the dead girl suddenly speaks. She doesn’t. But it looks like Isles was hoping for some dead people speak too. Oh no. She’s stroking her hair. Give this woman an Emmy for making it through that scene without dying from laughter.

This is going on someone's Emmy reel.

Frost is using big technical words like wireless internet and instant messaging and explaining it all to Dan and Rizzoli who are Luddites. But I’m too busy being distracted by all the Comic Sans on the abducted girl’s website.

They interview the girl who should have been talking to the missing girl. She also talks about IMing and then points out that the screen name is different. Someone was impersonating her.

All the techno speak confuses Korsak and he complains and the episode maybe tries to say something important about technology. But it’s boring so don’t worry about it.

Isles appears and she and Rizzoli talk more crime stuff. The dead girl was protecting the abducted girl and was killed for it.

More techno babble stuff and hysteria about the dangers of the internet.

But let’s skip that and go to a boring scene where Korsak talks with the kid’s mom and he defends Dan. Whoever wrote this episode misunderstood the appeal of the show. No one cares about dumb Dan and his dumb wife. Or this case. We all come here to watch Rizzoli and Isles interact. Whether they bang or not they’re interesting and believable and different then every other procedural. This is not.

Now Frost and Isles are doing research to find where the dead girl was held and who she’s related to. They find her missing poster and contact her family and Isles and Rizzoli both look sad. You should look at each other and comfort each other instead of being SO SERIOUS.

Afterwards they go to talk to the kid again. He’s drawing lighthouses and the car and Rizzoli uses her car knowledge to figure out that the kid saw the car’s license plate and that the car is busted.

Butch Rizzoli Vision spies a bad muffler.

She gives Frost the information and he immediately pulls up the abductor from the teaser. The kid confirms what the audience knows and someone finds the car on a street. Now it’s time for Rizzoli and Korsak to do magical cop work and follow the car and arrest the bad guys.

Only an idiot cop appears and tries to arrest the woman. IDIOT. Rizzoli yanks the abductor out of her car and asks her questions. She claims the girl is dead. Korsak finds photo equipment. This is getting nasty.

They bring the woman in for interrogation and everyone looks angry. Dan runs up and slams on the door and shouts. Dan calm down. We get you love your kid but all your shouting makes it harder for people to do their jobs.

They figure out that the two girls were left-handed soccer players. That then helps them realize that the photography equipment in the car? Legit. Their suspect is a professional photographer and chooses his victims that way. Isles thanks the dead girl’s photo and the others head off to arrest the bad guy.

You're welcome.

CRAZY GUY WITH AN AXE. Well THAT case won’t be going to trial.

They rescue the girl and Rizzoli does a lot of baby talk. I mean a lot. Girl is thirteen and traumatized not two and in need of attention.

At the station she’s reunited with her family and Rizzoli is reunited with her family.

It would be inappropriate to full on cuddle. So they settle for some hand cuddles.

Oh HERE is the gayness. Rizzoli says she’s never getting married or having children and Isles looks at her all sultry and is like “really.”

Ladies it's legal in Boston. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

THE END OF SEASON 2, EPISODE 4, BROWN EYED GIRL.

NOTES

• This may have been the most boring episode of the show ever.
• Dan you are no Amy Ryan in Gone Baby Gone so please stop trying so hard.
• Part of the boredom can be attributed to the SUPER SERIOUS nature of the episode.
• The other part of the boredom is attributed to the hysteria surrounding kids online. Man I used to go into AOL chatrooms when I was 12 and I turned out just fine.
• Though it was funny to hear the verbal quotes around “texting,” “instant messaging” and “smart phone.” Frost was clearly annoyed with all the Luddites.
• Despite Isles claiming women who abduct children are victims themselves and Rizzoli hating these women for allegedly betraying their vaginas the episode did a nice job of saying “nope they’re just crazy and horrible like the dudes.” So kudos for that episode.
• Seriously. I never want to watch this episode again.