Rizzoli and Isles Are An Old Married Couple When Witches Are Involved

Aaand a blond is being burned at the stake for, I can only assume, having such a righteously bad outfit and wig. Seriously that looked like someone permed a wig and left it in their attic for twenty years so it got that gummy feeling old Barbie doll hair gets.

At the cop diner Rizzoli and Isles are having breakfast. A cop judges Rizzoli for eating rabbit pancakes, but her girlfriend finds them adorable. I just paused the show so I could spend ten minutes coming up with a vibrator joke. Nothing good came of it but I wanted you to know I took the effort.

Ma Rizzoli is so pleased to have a partner in crime she then starts talking about making babies with the Maura while Rizzoli of the dried up womb looks heavenward. Then they start talking about who of the three is menstruating. It is the oldest one because menopause is the biggest bitch on the planet and you still menstruate after it hits. WHAT THE FUCK NATURE?! Also Ma Rizzoli is the best as she convinced five-year old Rizzoli that she’d be crippled if Jane ever stepped on a crack. Menopause talk at the breakfast table and crippling your child with fears? Ma Rizzoli I think you and I could be friends.

Out of nowhere Frankie’s ex appears and Rizzoli is displeased. She makes things awkward for Isles by being hella rude to the lady.

Because this is a show about cop things so they get a call to go check out that dead woman with the perm. Only she looks like some fajitas I left on the grill too long.

At the police station they use a knee replacement to ID the body and Rizzoli tries to pump her brother for info about the evil ex. He turns it around and mentions the time she went straight for a dude. I’m just glad Maura wasn’t there. She’d be devastated.

The knee replacement works and they go to the woman’s house. Which is straight out of Hoarders. Complete with old newspapers and eau de kitty litter. Korsak, of all the characters, is the one to find the cat because it’s not a good episode of Hoarders if there isn’t a cat. Frost won’t hold it because he’s racist (HE DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH). They find a creepy and gross basement full of occult memorabilia. Maura calls and Rizzoli declares that they’re investigating the murder of a witch. Somewhere Taana RavenHawk seethes.

Isles comes over and schools them on the difference between witchcraft and Wicca. RavenHawk stand down! Also Rizzoli insinuates that Isles is on the rag. Apparently a visit from Aunt Flo is more fluster-worthy then one from her mom.

The witch was busy casting three spells at once. An evil love spell, a healing spell and a protection spell.

Back at the police station Frost, Rizzoli and Korsak regale us with a huge info dump that any fan of Hocus Pocus already knows. It ends with everyone hating on the white man.

They find another white man to turn their ire on and bring him in for questioning as he’s the perfect suspect. Except he’s super rich and probably wouldn’t be torching women all by himself? Besides being rich, he’s also a douche nozzle. He knows his rights and leaves when he figures out Korsak wants to punch him. Then Korsak and Frost come to the same conclusion I did and decide his employees are more likely to have committed the murder at his behest.

Rizzoli and Isles are bored by the case and leave Frost and Korsak to chat so they can go meddle in Frankie’s love life and Isles can comment on his cologne like she’s a well-dressed female Wolverine.

This kind,

not this kind.

The ladies go to stalk Frankie in the park. They also talk about how awesome Isles’s car is. I do a double take because they don’t identify the car AND they somehow make it a natural thing Isles would say. Hey Bones and The Nine Lives of Chloe King TAKE NOTE.

Frankie shows up and the ladies take cover even though everyone knows standard stakeout protocol is to MAKE OUT so you’re not noticed.

Korsak and Frost call with details and Maura reveals herself to be a major fan of occult stores which since Buffy are major breeding grounds for sapphic loves fests. It’s only a matter of time people.

Because they chose the duck and cover instead of the makeout stakeout Frankie sees them. He then makes Jane feel SUPER bad by being all, “yeah I’m not here to makeout with my skanky ex but to see the daughter I created with the skanky ex.” Jane’s niece calls her fat but you can tell Jane’s mainly thrilled that someone has finally given her mother a grandchild and taken the pressure off of her, Maura and the turkey baster.

The ladies head off to Salem and on the way Rizzoli reveals that she too knows all about witchy business.

They talk to some of her coven. They’re festooned with piercings and tattoos. Also they held orgies with the victim. Jane and company take the news of orgies quite well. Then the one dude in the coven (he’s just there for pootang) announces they’ll have a séance.

Jane and Maura head back to the police station and chat about the incoming Ouiji board night. They find Ma Rizzoli playing grandma. She asks her daughter’s girlfriend to host a family get together.

And I was so busy mulling over how gay that whole scene was that I missed Korsak coming up and talking to Rizzoli. Somehow they end up talking to the priest whose the father of one of the coven members. He was really against the witchcraft thing what with being a priest.

Maura tags along to the séance. Criss Angel Mindfreak has found an opportunity to lose his shirt and show off his piercings while being eye sexed by blonds. Jane worries that real sex may follow. Frost and Korsak are okay with that turn of events. So is Maura I think.

The séance commences. The dead woman is all about talking about produce. Jane is unimpressed. Maura is fascinated. So is Korsak.

Séance done Jane walks Maura home to protect her from ghosts. I am genuinely surprised they don’t make out at the door.

Inside the extended family dinner is on. Poor Ma Rizzoli is the only one sans date. Jane continues on with the crazy anger until Frankie pulls her out of the room. She uses it as an opportunity to tell him to get a paternity test. Jane there are better ways to ask the question. He leaves and is replaced by a concerned Maura. Jane uses her to smuggle out a sippy cup full of DNA and they head off to look into another witch assault.

The witchy girl is out of it and Maura uses her doctor science flashlight to wake the girl up, but that doesn’t help in the least. A card placing the douchey real estate guy at the scene of the crime helps. But somehow they decide that it’s better to go check with the Mindfreak first. Only he’s dead.

So they go to the last member of the coven and bring her in for questioning. She then begs them to let her state because she’s scared. Reasonable fright what with all the dead coven members.

Korsak heads downstairs to talk to Maura about nipple piercings, a subject she’s up to date on, then asks her to help remove his new cat’s fake nails. Before she can help an angry Frankie bursts in. Korsak flees and Maura defends Jane’s desire to get a paternity test. Frankie agrees. WHY ARE THEY ALL FIGHTING THEN. Ma Rizzoli shows up with more DNA material. Why is Frankie mad? Why didn’t he just tell them he’s getting the test. Unnecessary drama!

But not for Maura. She ignores it all and solves and case and rushes off to tell Jane. It looks like the girl who was attacked and I think is the daughter of the priest? Is now the primary suspect. Also she has schizophrenia.

Also she is trying to BBQ another witch.

It’s accompanied by crazy over the top creepy haunted house movie. I’m expecting a dude with a chainless chainsaw to show up at any point. Frost and Rizzoli tackle her ass and Maura and Korsak save the witch from a toasty death.

Then they all celebrate with beer! But Frankie decides to make it awkward by showing up and talking paternity.

Hey Frankie congratulations! You are not a baby daddy!

Notes

• Bruce McGill needs to stop being the show’s MVP. He takes boring stuff and elevates it to hilarity.
• And holy heck do he and Sasha Alexander play well off each other or what? Give them more scenes.
• But never take away all the Rizzoli and Isles scenes. They are still the best.
• There was a lot of talk relating to bloody uteruses this episode.
• And now for a Tumblr friendly GIF.