Insipid dialogue. Unbelievable pairings. Misogynistic treatment of women. Scenes that only exist to fill space between money shots. But enough about Glee, let’s talk about porn.

On the face of it, a Glee porno seems like a horrible idea. Not to be too stereotypical, but there isn’t much overlap between the audience of Glee and the audience of your average porn film. In fact, a Venn diagram of the two would be the straightest thing ever, because it’s only gay if balls touch. Diagram humor: I love it!

That’s besides the fact that Glee is a show so bad that marketing it to gay audiences is legally a hate crime. Glee used to be a parody of itself. Now it’s a self-serious version of itself. Which still claims parody status to make high-larious black jokes.

Then I thought about it. Not that much, because it’d be gross, but there is something that Gleeks and… pornatics (?) have in common. Lesbians.

This picture is unrelated, because Rizzoli and Isles are just good friends.

Now, your average porn satirist (God, let that be on a business card somewhere) may not know much about Glee fandom, but that’s what market research is for. There are a lot of lesbian ships that both sound vaguely like Pokemon (Faberry? Quintana?) and could finally bridge the gap between straight men and gay ladies. So, for this hypothetical porn parody, let’s say a straight-up Brittany/Santana lesbian sex, one or two combinations of Puck/Finn/Quinn/Rachel (maybe a threesome. And since it’s Glee, of course it would be a Devil’s Threesome), Mike/Tina, and Will/Emma. Plus, you can always throw in a porny Lady Gaga.

Of course, you’d have to actually work some at making it sexy. One thing I’ve never gotten about porn is that, even as the production values approach the level of, say, Babylon 5 (the Spider-Man porn costume is actually a damn sight better than the Spider-Man reboot costume), no one gets that this

is more erotic than this

Imagine this, but with a penis in it.

I mean, I’m sure there’s an audience for bald guys attempting to tenderize a woman’s va-jay-jay with their dicks, but I think there might be a demographic outside that one.

We start off with Will and Emma discussing her marriage to that gym coach guy everyone forget about after the first season and OH MY GOD

I'm sorry to spam so many images, but JESUS CHRIST, what is happening?

Am I seeing that right? Or have I suddenly started hallucinating AD&D monsters? Regular Will isn’t that much of a catch, but at least we have the guarantee that he won’t start… doing someone!

Sue cuts in with a mocking aside and Will tells her it’s a private conversation. Geez, Will, how do you not get this by now? If you don’t want Sue to make inappropriate comments, don’t be in the same room as her. Sue asks Will if he knows why she cuts her apples before eating them. Because once the Alliance hid bombs inside apples? No, something something metaphor. C’mon, I can barely put up with this when Jane Lynch does it, do you think I’m going to dutifully transcribe it from a woman whose job description is “lacks a sense of shame”?

The plot kicks in. Will has to put together a set-list by tomorrow or the Glee Club is doomed for, like, the seventieth time. The pertinent issue here is that Sue’s cheerleaders are called the CheeriHos. Okay, when you go halfway with the porn renaming thing, it’s just awkward. Either go “Will Suckster” or go home.

Will passes the assignment onto the Glee Club, so they’ll be doing the work. Classic Suckster. Seeing New Directions for the first time, the avid Glee viewer might notice a few changes from the show. Namely, Kurt and Artie are gone. Wow, already this porno is threatening to overtake the real thing. Oh, and Mike Chang is gone, as well as Matt. C’mon, pornographers, there’s always room in your pocket for a little spare Chang.

Look at my user name, you had to know that joke was coming. Anyway, Rachel divas out and wants to pick the first song, and Mercedes anti-divas her. Wow, it’s like the director actually watched the show. That poor, poor man.

This, inexplicably, leads to waifish Rachel and zaftig Mercedes singing a copyright-uninfringing version of Fat-Bottomed Girls dubbed “Big Tushie’d Hoes.” It’s the worst thing to happen to Queen since AIDS. I’m just saying, it’s a lot to ask for a woman to look vaguely like Lea Michele, do sketch comedy, and be willing to put “slapped in the face with a penis” on her resume. Asking her to sing is a bridge too too far.

After Quinn demands Finn get a job to pay for her ultrasounds–yes, I’m sure everyone’s going to enjoy the sight of her providing one-hour parking for penises knowing there’s a fetus in there–yick–Tina stops by to note how much money Quinn bilks out of Finn and hoping he gets his money’s worth, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more. Finn turns down the obvious come-on and Tina gets Slushee’d, leading to her washing up in the bathroom topless. Cuz anything goes in the ladies’ restroom!

Sue comes in and–you know, I appreciate that Jane Lynch is a gifted comedian, and even has a large lesbian fanbase, but do people really want to see her porn doppelganger in action? With a student? Have you no decency, porn parody? Have you at last no class? Sue offers to lay off Glee if Tina will lay on her. In a public restroom. If this scene were any more unsavory, Shia LeBeouf would be in it. And of course, despite the sex going on for twenty-two minutes, no one needs to use the restroom in all that time.

"God, Mexican for breakfast, what was I thinking OH MOTHER JESUS! ...I still need to use a stall."

Hey, given that we’ve established Rachel will do anything, sexy anything, to be a star, wouldn’t it make more sense for her to seduce Sue? Might be a little less hinky. Anyway, finished, Sue tells Tina she looks like a hooker (that’s the punchline a pornographic Jay Leno would come up with) and leaves. While still wearing a bra and strap-on.

"Welp, better get to that parent-teacher conference."

Meanwhile, Quinn is walking down a conveniently deserted hallway when Puck stops in to tell her that they’re not in Splitsville. Quinn reiterates that they’re in Splitsville, having found a wonderful school for their splits-children and changed their forwarding address to 303 Break-Up Lane, Splitsville. To which Puck… uh…

Well, at least they're taking the show's "feeding a girl alcohol until she lets you stick it in is A-OK" conceit to its logical extreme.

Then Santana and Brittany sneak up on Puck as he strums his guitar and ask for a Wild Things Special, making the previous scene a completely pointless bit of unpleasantness. For the record, I don’t think the actress playing Santana is Hispanic. C’mon, guys, how hard is it to find a Hispanic porn star?

Oh God, that sounded terrible.

And the show’s (mostly) canon lesbians are only in a sex scene with a guy, whereas the lesbian scene is bathroom stall date rape? So women are only lesbians to please a man or when they’re being coerced? Man, porn industry, since when don’t you respect women? Who do you think you are, DC Comics?

Just when the trio have finished getting dressed, Will and Rachel walk in. Surprisingly, they don’t notice that three people have been having sex there for twenty-five minutes. But then, no one noticed that the cheerleader pom-poms were dildos with streamers attached, so perhaps McKinley High is just the most clean-minded school in the country.

Rachel says she’ll do anything to take the lead at Sectionals, and considering what Will looks like, she does mean anything. As he leaves, Rachel thinks that he has a really nice ass–well, for a face, yeah–and has a dream sequence about seducing him. Isn’t there a hotline you can call for that? People who are thinking of suicide have a hotline, this should have a hotline.

Emma is in Rachel’s fantasy too, and Rachel ends up watching as Will and Emma… yeah. One, that’s a weird fantasy, even by Glee standards. Two, they had a perfect excuse to depict a student-teacher sex scene without it “really” happening and instead they’re gonna waste that conceit on Will/Emma and do Will/Rachel for real later on?

"Oh God, this fantasy of watching people having sex is so hot! If only there were some way I could watch people have sex for real!"

Just start walking into seemingly empty rooms, Rachel, you’re bound to get lucky. And since this is a porno, I’m leaving that double entendre right there.

In the nurse’s office, Quinn has had a nervous breakdown–albeit the kind that lets you have sex five minutes later, I’m guessing–and starts singing a take-off of Don’t Stop Believin’ that starts “I’m just a silly whore.” Hey! Say what you want about Glee, but leave Journey out of this! They gave us Departure, you sons of bitches! Finn arrives to join in and–wait, that’s supposed to be Finn?

They didn't have the budget for a letterman jacket? It's a jacket with a letter on it... man.

Unsurprisingly, the “revised” song is about sex, but not in a comedically vulgar way so much as a regular pop song way. I think most R&B singers would describe sex as “extreme emotion.” Go back to singing about how you’re hookers. Over an hour in, we finally get a moment of actual amusement as Finn sings that he hopes she’s on the pill as Quinn shakes her head. But wait, why does it matter if she’s already pregnant? Which Finn knows. It’s like you don’t even care about plot, pornography.

Unsurprisingly, it turns out that you can be alone in the nurse’s office long enough for a musical number and a bone session. But this begs the question of how did Quinn get pregnant, given that every sexual encounter in this school seems to end with the boy ejaculating on the girl’s face or chest?

Back with Will (oh no) he’s almost done with the set list when Rachel shows up. He asks her to listen to what he’s come up with and launches into a rendition of The Police’s Don’t Stand So Close to Me. Hey, c’mon, that song was already about a student wanting to have sex with her teacher! I would’ve expected that kind of laziness from Glee, but not from This Ain’t Glee XXX: A Porn Parody.

What’s weird is that they just ditched the plotline about Rachel wanting Finn for the one-episode plot about Rachel having a crush on Will, even though the actor playing Finn doesn’t look like a killer doll given human form. Anyway, despite having sex for ten minutes (that’s premature ejaculation, by porn standards), Will still has time to rush to Figgins’ office and give him the set list, thus saving Glee for the seventieth time. Sue protests, but Figgins tells her to shut her herpes hole (in so many words), netting some thanks from Will. “My pleasure,” Figgins says, ending the whole affair on a semi-misogynistic note. What, no Mercedes sex scene?

In reviewing This Ain’t Glee XXX: A Porn Parody, it occurred to me that I didn’t know if I could blame the porn industry for it or Glee itself. If you set out to capture the characters with the most screentime on Glee, I think it would actually shake out much like the porn parody, just with Kurt in there (although this was based on season one, so he hadn’t become Poochie yet). Proportionately, I think Tina gets more time here than in the series, even if it’s just getting violated by a gym coach. And as of Glee season two, Mercedes still doesn’t have a boyfriend–I think she started a relationship with Sam in the finale, but then his actor was terminated and Mercedes is supposedly getting a new boyfriend, who is more stereotypically hefty.

And the parallels continue. While Kurt and two other gay male characters get lots of screentime dedicated to their sexuality, Santana and Brittany are treated more as walking jokes. Would it surprise anyone if a threesome with Puck turned out to be the extent of their “relationship” for weeks on end? And even though her character makes a speech, in the pilot no less, about being sex-positive, Rachel ends up falling into a cliched relationship of denying sex to a horny boy, just like Quinn, another character you’d think would have grown from being a shallow evangelical stereotype. And porn Emma is trotted out just for a sex scene with Will, just like real Emma has an entire off-screen courtship and marriage and only shows up for Will’s romantic angst.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that as offensive as the Glee porno is, it doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It may only reflect the real Glee dully, but it does reflect it. And I think this is one case where the mirror shames Glee more than the porn industry.