Rizzoli and Isles Experience Romantic Rages In the Summer Finale

Dude gets shanked in prison. Is this Oz? What the hell.

Now Maura and Ma Rizzoli are talking Jane’s birthday. Maura wants to get Jane a sleep coach to help with her slumber. Which begs the question: “How many sleepovers do you have with her Maura?” Ma Rizzoli doesn’t ask that question. As she’s mother to one and roommate to the other she already knows. But she doesn’t like Maura’s choice in gifts because they will not make Jane sexy in bed…I feel these two should reverse their roles in this scene.

Frankie comes in to get Maura to talk him down before his big test and Ma Rizzoli leaves.. Before it can get sexy and I can vomit Jane rolls in and labia/cock blocks them. High five Jane. She drags Maura off to check out the shankee. Romantic date.

At the prison they have to go through security. Jane is contemptuous. Maura has fabulous arms.

Move over Michelle Obama.

The security guards agree and give her an intimate pat down. She handles it better than Jane. Out of security they try to investigate and the warden or lawyer or whatever is a dick. Jane doesn’t punch him. I am displeased.

Korsak and Frost arrive and call the warden guy a dick. At last something everyone agrees on…besides the gayness of the Rizzoli and the Isles.

In the med unit they look at the body doused with blood then hear a creepy voice. Even I get chills. It’s the creepy Charles Hoyt. He makes Jane think about her hands! It would be terrible but she has nice hands. You get a pass this time Hoyt.

Hand fetishists of the US approve.

Turns out Hoyt is being moved back and forth without the knowledge of the lady cop he wants to murder. He says creepy things and Maura insists on examining his records to make sure he isn’t faking. But Hoyt refuses. He then offers to reveal another body or something but only if Korsak leaves. Even Hoyt knows Jane needs a little eye cuddling from Maura to get through this and lets her stay.

Maura records his confession. He takes forever to confess. Also he attempts to make eye sex with Maura. She uses this to make the assumption that his cancer has made him crazy. Logical.

Post prison visit Maura gets all adorable when Jane confesses she’ll have trouble sleeping and might be in need of a sleep coach. Then she pulls some blood out of her cleavage. Hoyt blood. Not Hoyt blood.

Confusing one's Hoyts may lead to infinite tears.

It’s too cute. Seriously I want to squeeze her cheeks as she tries to be playful and cheerful to take Rizzoli’s mind off the creepy murderer.

Judging by the eye sex Rizzoli agrees.

Now that they’re away from Hoyt they move onto the other murder investigation and Maura geeks out about prison shivs.

Frustrated because her adorable girlfriend is too damn cute Jane goes upstairs and talks about Hoyt and birthdays and tests with her brother. Also everyone considers Frankie’s chunkiness.

Then she starts watching the Hoyt video and then her boss comes in and damn it now they’re murder investigating.

Ugh lady with the dead shived son I am sorry for your loss but bored by your story. ENTERTAIN ME.

Accurate rendering of the author of this piece.

Maura and Jane doing autopsy stuff. Much better. The murder victim swallowed a balloon of teeth from different people. Is this like one of those molar tumors? You know the weird detached babies people find on their spines or in their stomachs?

Raise your hands if during the commercial break you saw a preview for Dr. Oz’s show and it tried to make you scared of your lady parts. I’m still pissed at the dude for his special on butt worms. Every time my anus itches I feel it’s the worms. I don’t need to fear my lady parts too. Jerk.

Post break Maura has been busy. She’s categorized all the teeth. Also the Hoyt blood test is ready. Also Maura wants to take Jane on a hot air balloon ride. Also Hoyt is dying. Maura is sad that this makes Jane happier then romantic balloon rides with her boo bear.

She's trying to be stoic but her boo bear shot her down.

Upstairs they talk about the murder case. Everyone wants to focus on the murder but Rizzoli wants to focus on Hoyt. She makes Korsak go with her to review cold cases.

And then they bond. I kind of love their relationship because I’m a goober and actually enjoy this show. So this scene is quite sweet. A super fast montage later Korsak goes home for some sleep and Jane continues reviewing cold cases.

The next morning she busts in in yesterday’s clothes with a break in the case. The teeth are related to a missing family whom Jane found due to a Hoyt clue. To confirm they need DNA from the surviving family member. They bring him in and question him and Maura gets intimate with his mouth.

Now the surviving family member is getting all teary eyed about his family. I could care less. It’s just a straight up information dump. Though they do tie Hoyt to the disappearance.

Rizzoli and Korsak go to their boss and demand that they focus on Hoyt for their investigation. He’s reluctant. Maura then confirms that the teeth belong to the dead family. Case Closed. Or open. Case Open.

At the site of some river or lake or something they fish for bodies and ignore the press.

Then Jane goes home and tells Maura she wants a pony for her birthday. She will name him Walter. I approve. Then Jane gets serious and admits her birthday makes her sad. And they’ve reached their adorable quota and we have to hear more about the murder investigation. Rizzoli has a House MD moment and knows exactly where the body is.

Missing: THE CAST OF BONES.

This looks like a prime moment for a Bones crossover. Just saying. I’d watch it. Rebecca Jane would too. Maura would be all horny and make passes at Bones and Booth and they’d be too busy NOT HAVING SEX to notice and Jane would sit in a corner and be sad about everything and also cranky and then she’d and Booth would go to the library and read about Aspergers and start an Aspergers foundation and fight crime with their kooky partners. Also there’d be a foursome.

For SCIENCE.

Damn it. Bones and Booth didn’t come to help. Instead it’s all up to Maura to determine the cause of death. Jane handles things much better than Booth would. Also their eye sex is better.

Eye sex…FOR SCIENCE.

Rizzoli gets a call from the prison that Hoyt is doped up and wants to see her. Isles insists on going. She says it’s so she can tell if Hoyt is doped and lying. But really its to comfort Jane and look all sassy at the warden.

She gets sassy when she's proud of her boo bear.

At the police station Frost is sad that Rizzoli won’t bond with him over Hoyt. Korsak tells him not to worry about it and they do more murder investigating.

Now Jane is pissed that Hoyt’s death is so comfortable. Then he attacks her and the guard turns on them and AAAAH IT IS SCARY WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

At the same time Frost and Korsak discover the guard is duplicitous.

Maura is tied up and crying and Jane is tied up and scared and now Maura is screaming and guys are grinning all evil like and Maura is trying to help keep the guys talking so they don’t hurt Jane. Only now Hoyt is about to slice Jane up. Oh and Jane is bleeding. Maura is crying again. If these two don’t get with the comfort sex when this is all over I will be VERY UPSET.

I will be this upset.

Their concern. It burns with sapphic feelings. And now Hoyt is bored with Rizzoli and tazes Maura so he can slice her up. JANE GOES INTO A ROMANTIC RAGE and beats up both men and kills Hoyt. Then Korsak shoots the guard before he can hurt either of them. And Korsak comforts Rizzoli instead of Isles.

Afterwards Jane goes to the bar for her surprise party and it’s empty so she goes home where everyone surprises her. There are ponies everywhere. Maura gives her a beer. From Maura Isles that’s basically a wedding ring.

And Frankie passed his detective’s exam and Maura got Jane RACING SHOES. UGLY ASS RACING SHOES. Also she’s sending her to racing school and this happens.

That. Makes. Me. Happy. Maura is so good to her butch girlfriend. Frost agrees.

THE END UNTIL NOVEMBER.

Notes

• RIZZOLI ROMANTIC RAGES. Like, Xena, I love you, but your romantic rages are not nearly as epic and full of screaming fury as Jane Rizzoli’s. Though if you two want to have a romantic rage off wherein you scream in fury and protect your sapphic love partners no one will stop you.
• Maybe it’s because he looks like my dad, but Korsak has become my favorite after the R and the I. He was wonderfully tender and empathetic and he never, ever criticized Jane for her emotional involvement. What a good dude.
• Frankie is now a detective. Yea?
• WHERE WAS THE COMFORT SEX? I’m upset.
• Okay maybe the racing shoes and school and beer in a can makes up for it. I guess.
• Is anyone else amused by how Rizzoli and Isles still abide by gender roles despite being ladies? Okay maybe not amused as much as slightly sad. Femmes can fight!
• GIFS.