Classic Recap: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Season 2, Episode 4 Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

The thing about lesbian vampires is that they usually suck, and in a very bad way. They gyrate on some dude and then some other dude kills them all. They’re lesbians for guys. Those are not lesbians. And they’re shitty vampires who get killed very easy. Massive suckage. But that won’t stop me from enjoying Xena’s homage to Once Bitten.

Things start off with a guy being chased by wolves. It’s from the perspective of the wolves. Awesome. A glimpse of the guy indicates to the Xena nerd that we’re totally watching Joxer. Gabrielle seems to hear something and looks out into the gorgeously lit forest. She’s being watched. Xena comes up from behind her to talk about kidnapped villages but my eyes are on Gabrielle’s hella severe bangs.

The two realize that things are too quiet. Apparently Orpheus has to continually play to tame the Bacchae. He isn’t. What follows is lots of talk about Greek vampires intercut with Joxer running from wolves. Joxer finally finds them and knocks Gabrielle on her ass. Xena then has to drive all the wolves away with some really crappy whip cracking. Look I know you’re not Indiana Jones but a little pizzaz would be nice.

Joxer has brought Xena a package, Orpheus’s head. Delightful!

TITLES. There is like a random “hiya!” in the titles. I laugh every time I hear it.

Green screen Orpheus gets picked back up by Joxer who then sets him between his legs. Not a pleasant place to be. Orpheus was killed by Bacchus and cursed to be a talking head for eternity. Xena’s mission this episode? Kill Bacchus and help Orpheus, because Xena accidentally killed Orpheus’s wife years ago. Oh Xena.

Cut to the Bacchae listening to Bacchus. So much hilarious make up! I love the way the ladies hold their mouths with the prosthetics. And the craaaa-a-aaazy camera work. Also, Legend.

Xena’s crew rolls into town. A festival is going down in town. They go to Orpheus’s friend’s place and find him dead and Orpheus’s lyre stolen. Without it they’re dooooomed. Xena heads off to retrieve it, Joxer and Orpheus talk music and Gabrielle gets lured into some odd dance party with some butch ass women and terrible music. I love her little head bob while she tries to enjoy the music. I also love how quickly she’s seduced by lesbian vampires with bad hair. Only it is in no way sexy.

Some rapists try to take out the two Bacchae with the lyre but get killed instead. Lesson learned! Kids, don’t rape bacchae! Xena jumps in and sets to kicking ass. There’s more craaa-a-aaazy camera work and flying vampires. I am having difficulty covering this because I’m laughing too much. Looks like the Bacchae got away with the lyre. So let’s cut back to Gabrielle’s not so sexy sexy dance. Don’t worry, they make up for all this crummy dancing in season 6.

Joxer comes in to save her with an Orpheus on a stick. Puppets!

Gabrielle sucks at hunting vampires as she didn’t even recognize the Bacchae. Joxer reveals his intelligence by recognizing the Bacchae AND sorting out Xena’s plan, but he still doesn’t get to go slay vampires, because Xena hates him. Then he mentions that he can play the lyre. He’s back on the team! Only he then sees some blood on Xena’s neck. Xena is now a Bacchae, but Gabrielle doesn’t want to believe it.

Nice shot of them on the move and we’re hanging out in camp. Gabrielle is cutting something, Xena’s maintaining her armor and creepy music is playing. Gabrielle cuts herself. Of course she does. Did you see how she was cutting whatever the hell that was?

Xena goes to bond with Orpheus. There’s some arguing. How sweaty do you think it is in that fake rock?

Joxer has trouble sleeping for fear of Bacchae!Xena. She creeps up on him and kills a spider. These camera angles are really weird.

Back at Club Bacchae Bacchus starts talking about his blood. Then he starts spilling his blood into a cup and laughing about how Xena will soon be his Bacchae.

Another really pretty traveling shot. And another! Then a graveyard. They’re there to harvest dryad bones, the only things capable of killing a Bacchae. Dryads attack. A fight ensues. Someone tell the camera man to simmer down. Fun gag with Joxer’s arm. I like how they’re totally okay with the idea of ripping his arm off. More dryads! Only they’re all CGI like and fly slow as hell because of it. Joxer tries to test Xena by holding a dryad bone to her chest. I love how she tolerates him but clearly hates him.

Suddenly Gabrielle stands up and looks crazy. Because she’s a Bacchae. Excuse me while I laugh. How the hell was this episode filmed without everyone collapsing into laughing fits? Honestly. Hilarious.

Orpheus wants to go kill Bacchus. Xena wants to find Gabrielle and save her. Tension! Joxer has a conversation with a puppet head. Some creepy violins play. Joxer decides it’s time to kill Gabrielle. Fun visual of Gabrielle climbing up a wall like a spider. More hilarity as Gabrielle stalks them. Finally she attacks. Joxer tries to kill her. Gabrielle buzzes them a couple of time because she’s a dick and then flies to Club Bacchae? What just happened?

I do so love these random musical interludes. Gabrielle is now a total Bacchae or something. She keeps twitching and she’s taken time to pencil in her eyebrows.

Man this episode is not paced well at ALL. Xena’s now given up on Gabrielle. Good thing because Gabrielle’s about to drink blood and become a permanent Bacchae. Aaaaaaaaah her nails are huge! Before she can drink the blood Xena arrives to save the day. Fighting ensues. Xena battles ladies with greasy hair, some very interesting music plays. It’s nice, but doesn’t feel very appropriate for what’s happening. Xena spews fire and nearly lights herself aflame. Joxer spends time wrestling with just one Bacchae. Ineffective!

Gabrielle nearly guzzles some blood but Joxer manages to start playing the lyre. Is the screaming because of the lyre or the player? Bacchus bitch slaps Joxer. He and Xena have a fight and she stabs him and kicks him off a cliff, but it’s too late. He’s too awesome to die. Check out those horns!

Oh and only a Bacchae can kill him. So naturally he sends Gabrielle off to turn Xena into a Bacchae. IDIOT.

Gabrielle bites Xena and Xena seems to REALLY enjoy it. Gabrielle, you can let go now. This is getting awkward.

Now they’re both Bacchae.

Um and then the two attack him together. What just happened?

He explodes and they’re all back to normal.

I had no idea that turning into a Bacchae included wardrobe.

With Bacchus dead Orpheus gets his body back and disappears.

Xena and Gabrielle try to have a heart to heart, but Joxer interferes. Gabrielle runs him off and Xena counts that as thanks enough for saving Gabrielle’e life. THE END.

How this episode makes historians weep

Where to begin! Bacchus should actually be called Dionysus, because the rest of the gods are called by their Greek names. Also he was not a giant red demon thing. Also he really liked booze and sex. Blood not so much.

Bacchae were actually called maenads by the Greeks and they were women who worshiped Dionysus/Bacchus and would whip themselves into a frenzy and drink and screw and rip animals apart with their bare hands. Sometimes they’d also kill people. See the fun play by Euripides, The Bacchae.

Orpheus was an amazing musician who fell in love with Eurydice. She died when a snake bit her and the gods were so moved by his funeral tunes that they let him go to the underworld to retrieve her. Only he couldn’t look at her until they were out of the underworld. He failed, she stayed dead and he wept. Eventually maenads, or women who were made that he went gay after his wife’s death, ripped him apart. His lyre and head drifted downstream. Eventually he was recovered by the Muses who set his lyre in the stars and pieced his body back together so he could have a proper death.

Superhuman Feats

• Battles lesbian vampires
• Battles a god
• Gets turned into a Bacchae
• Doesn’t kill Joxer

Where it stands in the series

The return of Joxer! This is also the first mention of Joxer’s ability to play the lyre. It’s used many times afterwards.

Gabrielle got to first base with Xena and a few lesbian vampires do they count as boyfriends? No. Phooey on you.

Also…um…I think they’re pandering with all the gayness. Rizzoli and Isles should totally watch this episode in their very special coming out episode.

Disclaimer

No Bloodsucking Bacchae were harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, a few Dryads lost their heads.

Rating *****************

Okay this episode is actually terrible. Bad pacing, unrestrained camera work and an incomprehensible script. But you have multiple puppets of a talking head, a guy who stole a costume from Legend and absolutely hysterical vampires. Seriously, those vampires cracked my shit up. I could laugh at them for days. The fact that we don’t see a single person burst into giggles is a real testament to the professionalism of everyone onscreen. BRAVO.

If you were trying to very seriously convince someone Xena is a good show you should NEVER show them this episode. But chances are they’ve probably already seen it…repeatedly.

Now instead of getting into how the nitty gritty of this episode and how it’s plagued the show’s reputation ever since it came out I’ll give you some gifs.

Coming Soon

Episode 5, Return of Callisto.

The return of Callisto! And Perdicas! There’s a wedding! And MURDER. Bum bum buuuuuum.