Dead Island, besides being programmed by at least one sexist jerk, is basically an excuse to watch women run around in bikinis.

There are a lot of half-naked women running on the beaches and dancing in the shadows of the cabañas and traipsing through the sparkling clear water.

However these women are all zombies and are usually missing some vital part of their anatomy–LIKE SKIN.

Also there are a lot of half-naked dudes in this game with rippling pectorals and fashionable swimming trunks. But they too are missing things. Like heads. Because I have decapitated them because they are motherfucking ZOMBIES.

I don’t get zombie games. I try. I sit down and play them with the intention of doing some co-op with my brother (he lives on the other side of the country so this is how we communicate). I have two goals in these sessions. To kill more zombies than my brother and to figure out a way I can tea bag him while he’s fighting zombies.

Unfortunately he was unavailable for my Dead Island adventure and no one I knew could find the game (it’s sold out all over this great nation) and I do all my gaming in the afternoon when the little ten-year old bastards play so F a co-op game with strangers.

This meant it was all up to me to play Dead Island by myself.

But remember, I don’t get zombie games. When I can’t plot how to enrage my brother on the other side of the continent they’re not the same. They’re full of dark places and moaning and depression. A zombie epidemic spells the end of organized society. You don’t come back from a zombie epidemic. You don’t get new tv shows or films or books or games. You get a bat and you bash zombies to death and you eat canned peaches and THAT IS YOUR LIFE. Maybe you fight the aliens or corporation or military installation that started the epidemic, but zombies plagues are like Pandora’s Box. You can’t put that shit back in once you let it out. Though it’s easy to make an individual zombie’s head explode like a balloon full of jam there are BILLIONS MORE.

So to what end do you play a zombie game? What can you hope to accomplish? These games are an exercise in nihilism.

As exercises in nihilism go Dead Island is pretty great. You can build brutal killing implements out of a belt, lighter fluid and a bat and you can hang out on pretty beaches and kill zombies. If you kill them fast enough they don’t even look like zombies. You can fool yourself into thinking that maybe there is a little hope. Maybe these things haven’t over run the planet and maybe if you kill enough of them it will all be over.

Only they always come back. You clear an area of zombies and five minutes later four more have replaced them and are gnawing on the limbs of a five-year old.

But the worst part? The survivors. You play as one of four ethnically diverse individuals. I chose Purna, the Feminist Whore, but mainly because her name makes me think of punta and that makes me giggle and my stepmother will read this and come slap me upside the head for using foul language on the internet.

But yeah, you can play as Purna or Xian Mei or Sam B or Logan. Three people of color and a dumb sports star. Diversity at play people! You are the only four people on the island who are immune to zombie bites. So they can gnaw on you for days and if you don’t die from septic shock or gangrene you’ll be a-okay. No zombifying for you! I immediately assumed this made me some sort of cognizant super zombie and ran around punching zombies in the back of the head in the hopes I could violently put them all into line and become some sort of super zombie overlord.

It didn’t work.

Instead all the mortals asked me to do shit for them because they were afraid of my intellectually inferior brethren.

Bunch of lard asses.

I get quest givers in MMORPGs and RPGs and even action games. They make sense. But in a survival game quest givers make no sense. GUYS WE ARE FIGHTING FOR OUR LIVES STOP WEEPING LIKE A SAD SACK IN THIS CABAÑA. GO KILL A ZOMBIE.

Or at the very least flipping secure the place you’re staying in. They leave doors open and zombie guts on the floor and all weep quietly in their soggy bathing suits while not ten yards away some zombies are wandering in circles. They may not be super zombies like me but if you keep leaving yourself so open they’ll eat your face all the same.

So yeah, the survivors are kind of jerks and idiots and half of them are crazy or catatonic and worthless. If you stick around them too long you get depressed by all the nihilism inherent in zombie games and you have to take a break and watch you dog get a soccer ball stuck in his mouth.

I’ve played Dead Island for a while now. I’m a completionist so I’m only about one tenth of the way into the story. Last night I decided to play through chapter 3. The idea was I would play so furiously that I would get further into the game and feel better about reviewing a game I have not yet completed.

Then this Aussie mother fucker told me to go pick up a truck at the hotel. “NO PROBLEM,” I think. I take a car there and smoosh many of the lesser zombies under the wheels of my car. When I get there I try to drive into the parking garage but there’s a gate.

“GO INSIDE THE HOTEL,” the game tells me.

So I go in and get to an elevator where this idiot security guard is chilling. He’s still alive and in a HOTEL FULL OF ZOMBIES. I want him to die for his stupidity. Then he tells me he’ll only let me into the parking garage where the truck is if I find his friend. So I agree because I have no choice. Then I drop down into an elevator shaft and come out in the darkest fucking room I’ve ever seen and it’s midnight and dark and my dog has left me and there are fucking zombies everywhere and they’re trying to eat my face and I’m trapped and.

And that’s why this review is incomplete. Because FUCK zombies. I hate them and I hate the games they inhabit and I hope werewolves eat them.

As far as I can tell this game is fun if you do not have an aversion to zombies. It’s really pretty and has a wonderfully diverse cast and if you get all warm at the sound of Aussies and Kiwis you can’t help but give this game two thumbs up. It’s also got a hella lot of style and seems to be telling a great story.

But I’m not finishing this game alone man, so that’s all you get from me.

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