Lohan Phone Returned, Ian Somerhalder’s Penis Joke

Prime Gossip: FemPop chronicles 3 top gossip items in an effort to immortalize the decline of civilization as we know it. YOU ARE WELCOME SOCIETY!

more like KEATON forever – BATMAN HUMOR IS NEVER NOT TOPICAL

1.) Ian Somerhalder has a penis elephant. This is a legitimate news item of the highest order. THE HIGHEST ORDER, I SAY. Actually what happened was, on the season premiere of the Vampire Diaries there was a scene where his character surprises Nina “my mouth doesn’t close” Dobrev, his co-star and girlfriend, in the nude. He coerced the costume designer into helping him make elephant ears and taping them to his inner thights so that in addition to seeing his johnson (a daily occurence for Dobrev we’d assume) she would also learn that she humped a baby elephant and thus was a bestiality lovin’ pederest.

2.) Tareq Salahi killed his dog. No one is admitting it, but I’m putting it out there. In addition to divorcing his Journey-banging lady, befriending Michael Lohan, and calling TMZ apparently on the hour, every hour, this blatant attention-hound is now claiming his dog died of a “broken heart”. No dude. Your dog died because you murdered it. WHY IS NO ONE ON THE INTERNET ADMITTING THIS?

3.) Lindsay Lohan got her phone back. She was out at the air quotes club (presumably) and she lost her phone along with her dignity and she left the club being all “I HOPE NO ONE HACKS MY PHONE….” while looking all duck faced and sly. Some guy found the phone, plugged it in and when it turned on it said “LINDSAY LOHAN’S PHONE,” so he returned it because he’s a nice guy. But he didn’t get a reward, probably because it was my phone. It is common knowledge I identify my phone as belonging to celebrities constantly. So please return my phone and I will give you a stiff-nippled hug. BEAT THAT LOHAN!

Sources: [Wetpaint, Jezebel, TMZ]