Ringer: The Mysterious Phone

Ugh, Ringer is beginning to grate on me.

I mean, I still find Sarah Michelle Gellar engaging but finally catching up with this week’s episode I found myself thinking of so many things other than the events that transpired this episode.

1.) Does Sarah Michelle Gellar have a deviated septum?

2.) How does Sarah Michelle Gellar keeps her blond hair so not-brassy?

3.) Wait wait wait – DID SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR ALREADY PLAY HER OWN TWIN BEFORE? ON A SOAP OPERA? BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE THAT HAPPENED! TO THE GOOGLE!

Ha ha, no no never mind. I made that up with my mind. But if you feel like losing several hours of your life, please feel free to begin googling All My Children because that shit is crazy.

People really love that show. No but really:

Love, you guys.

I guess I should talk about Ringer some. Rather than create a lovely and artful recap, I am instead going to transcribe the notes I took while viewing this episode.

• Sigh. I guess the black guy is going to be killed off? This show-show is stupid.
• Andrew wants to give Bridget a surprise. Unless the surprise is his penis I am not interested.
• Wait they shipped off his druggie daughter to Florida? Oh her mom is in Florida. That’s….CONVENIENT.
• Uh oh, Bridget thinks Andrew was behind the attempted sniping that led her to murder! Because there is a photo in her house that is like the photo the sniper had? That is an incredibly leap, Bridget. I guess she really doesn’t want to see his penis now.
• Andrew’s surprise for Bridget is not a penis OR murder – it is instead a fashion house where she is to pick a gown and then go to the ballet – even though he hates the ballet – THIS IS PROOF OF HIS LOVE.
• Stupid best friend Gemma reveals that Andrew and Siobhan had been fighting a bunch.
• Bridget is so suspicious!
• Now she is going to a divorce lawyer Siobhan went to see!
• And Phyllis from YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS THE BEST SOAP OPERA EVER is there! And she is chatting with Bridget! I love this show-show again now!
• Bridget finds out Siobhan thought Andrew was cheating her out of money. Nasty!
• Henry pulls his money out of Andrew hilariously portrayed hedge fund. But the sexy Dexter lady doesn’t like this so she pulls the money back in. Henry is angry because now he is no longer putting his penis in Siobhan.
• Siobhan is in Paris getting her mack on with some American guy whose mouth is literally the biggest mouth I have seen on television.
• Andrew confronts Bridget about the divorce lawyer. Ha ha, PHYLLIS told him. Oh Phyllis, you are so sneaky! On every show! He wants Bridget to trust him. His feelings and penis are hurt so he won’t go to the ballet.
• Bridget, still thinking Andrew seems murdery goes to the property she thinks he was cheating Bridget out of. She finds some papers there that say “this place is FULL of asbestos” proving Andrew was being honest.
• Now some creepzilla is chasing her! It’s the guy who is trying to get back the cellphone she stole from the dead guy! And she recognizes him! From the fancy party from last time.
• She then uses that FBI agent with the eyeliner who is hot on her tail to throw off the guy hunting her. This plan seems full of holes.
• Uh-oh – it looks like EVERYONE has access to that photo and not just Andrew – thus further proving that Andrew doesn’t want to kill her.
• Siobhan must stop making out to puke. Turns out she is pregnant. We all knew that, but she didn’t. Sad! She misses Henry! Her loser lovah!
• Bridget makes up with Andrew by going “look at my poofy dress.” and he does and they are okay – but they haven’t made out yet which is weird a little.
•  Well good. They didn’t kill the only major black character on the show. THEY JUST INJECTED HIM WITH HEROIN. Man. Ringer. I am mad at you.