The Vampire Diaries: Eat Me In Chicago

"Sloth….Chunk….Friend?"

You know what was awesome?

THIS EPISODE!

This week’s episode of The Vampire Diaries: Sexy Times Edition contained all of my favorite things: Elena with her mouth open being upset, Damon with his hair kind of too long and talking sexy about his naked brother, Stefan (looking puffy of face due to sadness) being mocked in olden times, absolutely no mention of Neckless J, Matt, and Frankendowns, and plenty of  Caroline, Caroline, Caroline! AH! I love Caroline. Okay, I’m back.

When last we saw Caroline she was undergoing the shocking realization that her father – the cool, hip gay one who she had perpetually used against her mother back when she was just plain ol’ irritating AS HELL Caroline (of whom very few vestiges remain but girl – your eyebrows. YOUR EYEBROWS! Do you pick at them when haz a sad?) had abducted her and was possibly going to get his kill on due to her being a blood sucker now.

But then, if possible, the truth was even worse. The dude was all tryin’ to cure her! Of being a vampire! This involved him locking her in the castle dungeon of their family cabin (jigga whaaaat?) and repeatedly blasting her with sunlight and also commanding her under eyes not to go all veiny when he held a blood sack up to her face. (jigga huuuuuuh?) It was a touching and awful vampiric version of the homo-to-hereto brainwashing camps that sadly exist here in the real world, and all you wanted to do was hug poor little sobbing Caroline and punch her evil dad straight back to Heroes.

Meanwhile Damon was super sassy this episode! I blame Katherine. BECAUSE SHE’S BACK YOU GUYS! (Her curls, her skinny jeans, the way she sounds like a retarded baby when she talks – couldn’t you just DIE?) And she’s reporting Stefan’s whereabouts to Damon. Then she is stalking Stefan in the night while quietly singing the song she wrote for him because she is a HUGE STALKER YOU GUYS!

So, Damon all full of piss and vinegar and the aforementioned sass plunks his butt in Elena’s bed. Because Elena is a kitten she curls up next to him but then wakes up and is all – “EW BARF DAMON YOU ARE SO GROSS!” and I just darkly chuckled and was all “Girl, I can’t hear you dissin’ him ’cause his dick is in your mouth basically. SNAP!” Anyway, Damon nonchalantly claims that Stefan appeared to him in a sexy dream and told him he was in Chicago – so he and Elena skip out on whatever responsibilities they have (I guess for Damon that’s….drinking? And for Elena that’s…wait, is she still in school? No she graduated right? Is she just…living off all the insurance money from her various dead relatives? If I were an insurance adjuster I’d be all “THERE IS MURDER HAPPENING!” and then I’d go to  Mystic Falls to INVESTIGATE! CW  AND ALSO JULIE PLEC: PLEASE CALL ME AND LET ME PLAY THIS ROLE. EVEN IF IT MEANS I GET KILLED IMMEDIATELY. I WOULD DIE HAPPY. ON THE SHOW AND ALSO IN LIFE.)

Meanwhile in Chicago, Klaus is continuing in his two part quest – Part 1: Figure out why the HAYTCH he can’t make a hybrid (KLAUS – Y U DUM?) and Part 2: Seduce Stefan. Today, in between patting Stefan’s hair while quietly singing the song he wrote for him because HE WANTS TO BONE STEFAN, Klaus revealed that at the height of Stefan’s Ripper days – KLAUS AND STEFAN WERE FRIENDS! WHAAAAAAT? Stefan is freaked out that he doesn’t remember this, so we get a lot of trashbacks to the 1920s (so hot right now) and we watch Stefan make out with a British vampire named Rebecca (like all the best people) and do perverse and wicked things! Only we are on the CW. So instead of like, boinkin’ a dude’s wife with a bottle of champers while draining her, he cuts her arm and makes the husband drink her blood. I. I just went to a place. And it was dark. AND I AM NOT SORRY.

While Klaus gets Stefan to remember, Damon and Elena drive to Chicago, Illinois from Mystic Falls, Virginia IN TEN MINUTES – IS THAT CAR MAGIC, JULIE PLEC? Damon takes Elena back to Stefan’s old apartment and they finally fall ecstatic into each other’s arms and bone – no no no wait. They just go into a closet and look at a list of Stefan’s victims. And then Damon leaves Elena in the closet with Stefan’s diary. Hilarious.

Klaus has ulterior motives for wanting Stefan to finally remember their past together – their sexy, sexy past. It turns out the British Becca Vamp is….Klaus’s sister and they all hung out all the time, until there was a raid on the bar and Klaus and Becca took off and Klaus compelled Stefan not to remember any of it until he was told to. HOW CONVENIENT. Now Klaus needs Stefan to remember how much Stefan admired him, and also Becca, because Becca’s going to be brought back to life in order to help contact THE ORIGINAL WITCH (pllleeeeease someone have the original witch inhabit Bonnie?! PLEASE CAN THAT HAPPEN?! AAAH?) so they can figure out why Klaus can’t make a hybrid.

Klaus and Stefan return to Stefan’s old apartment to make love, and Stefan discovers Elena in the closet and quickly gets Klaus out of the apartment with claims that he suddenly has a massive craving that quote, only the best gelato will cure.

Then, while Damon provided an able distraction to Klaus (until the witch who runs the bar kicks them out – wait, have all the witches on this show been African American? Because, I think they have? And that’s not okay?) but it’s enough time for Stefan to break up with Elena for real. They both know he’s only doing it because the writers have gotten themselves in a corner – Stefan can’t go home because that means Klaus will know she’s not dead, so in order to have this choice work, they finally decide to up the ante and have Stefan really break Elena’s heart. It kind of works? I don’t know though because Wesley is playing the love a little too close to the surface and Dobrev plays everything with the same sense of quiet upset? So I think the scene was meant to play like this, but really it played like this.

ANYWAY Klaus’s scheme is still rife with holes due to the fact that he killed his sister Becca because she chose Stefan over him, and also because the necklace everyone is looking for that Becca used to wear? Yeah Stefan totaaally gave it to Elena. HA! And Katherine knows this too! Because Katherine was also at the bar, because her feelings for Stefan are normal and healthy, dressed like a flapper and spying on him.

And so, Elena and Damon left Chicago, where they went home and got their menage action on with Alaric – O NO WAT? He wasn’t in this episode at all. Mad bum bums, if you ask me.

BUT WHATEVER HAPPENED TO CAROLINE?!

Don’t worry guys – Tyler (love him!) and mama Forbes busted in, guns literally blazing and freed her from her evil daddy’s crazed plots. Seriously guys, this was this episode’s highlight – I maaaaay have loudly cheered “YAY SHERIFF FORBES!” Then stuff was sad when Caroline realized her dad couldn’t accept her and that, in the end, in the parent who stayed, the one she’d made the enemy – was the hero! Love it! Good stuff!

Also adorable? Tyler quietly teasing her about sneaking out after they banged. Tears, banging, and gay dads who try to kill you for being undead.

That’s what it’s alllll about, guys.