Classic Recap: Warrior…Princess…Tramp

Do you remember the Xena look-alike who was vaguely southern and in love with some blond guy and had a dad with a crown? Good. Now to catch up. Dad is dying and Diana, the lookalike has a baby. He’s sent for Xena because Diana needs her lookalike.

In a tavern Joxer is talking himself up. Gabrielle arrives and makes him look like an ass. Gabrielle then gets super irate when Joxer starts talking about how he poked the warrior princess.

Back at the castle Xena is thieving and drinking and looking to some evil dude. This is the tramp of the title. Gabrielle walks in and the tramp, Meg, has her arrested. This was bound to happen.

TITLES. The best part is Gabrielle’s absolute hatred for Joxer.

Evil advisor is immediately made clear to be evil because he calls Meg a tramp and chokes her. Meg is clearly less a tramp and more a prostitute. I like how her sword is on her hip and it’s way too big. Down in the dungeon the honeymoon phase is over and Gabrielle hates Xena. Meg talks with her and you can tell it’s Meg because she does the Xena voice just a tad too high.

So the evil advisor? His entire plan hinges on Xena never arriving. He is clearly an idiot.

She shows up the next morning and has to deal with Meg’s admirers. The guys evil advisor sent get a flame ball to the face and run. Seriously evil advisor? You’re an idiot.

Meg frolics in front of a mirror and get’s her sword stuck in the ceiling. Oh the hijinx. I won’t lie. I laughed a few times. I’m a sad and pathetic woman.

Outside Joxer is turned away by a guard who can’t speak very good english. Seriously he STUMBLES over his lines. Meg watches and invites him in for the sexing. Question: if Joxer sleeps with Meg does that mean he’s kind of also slept with Xena and Diana?

Joxer rejects her and Meg makes a pun about his sword. He leaves and finds Diana. Then he makes a pass and gets thrown in the dungeon with Gabrielle.

Some epic music scores Xena’s ride up to the castle. Pointless but funny? The guards let her in and she goes straight to Diana. Oh that was Meg. Diana’s been caught by bad guys. That Meg is a gifted actress.

Down in the dungeons Gabrielle and Joxer get on the same page. Gabrielle’s look of terror when Joxer talks about hickeys from Xena? Fabulous.

Meg as Diana springs Joxer out of jail and leaves Gabrielle behind. There is some making out. A nursemaid is pissed when she catches them. Not because Diana is apparently making out with some dude, but because she hasn’t sung a song to the baby. BAD PRIORITIES.

I demand a gif of Meg as Diana singing to the baby. I also demand a gif of Xena’s reaction from the ass grab that follows.

Done

Done.

Xena and Joxer hide when Meg and evil advisor waltz in. Now everyone can be on the same page plot wise. Good!

Down in the dungeon Gabrielle has rage issues. Xena and Joxer retrieve her and Xena proves her awesomeness with a chakram.

Xena and Gabrielle then do some excellent acting and infiltrate the evil advisor’s band of evil. They free Diana and head back to the castle.

The evil advisor is brought up to date and promptly steals the baby. Oh man I forgot about the baby! Xena hides Diana and her husband and I got distracted by all the Lawless cleavage. Something about “find Meg.”

Joxer’s plan for finding Meg? Grab every ass that looks like Xena. If the owner of the ass punches him it isn’t Meg. Good plan!

Gabrielle finds Meg messing with her breasts. So much boob! They have a throw down.

It resembles every girl fight I’ve ever seen. Why DO we pull so much hair when we fight? Gabrielle finally wins and she and Meg have a heart to heart. I like how she doesn’t hate Meg because she’s a slut, but because she’s an idiot. Yea! The “my father died in childbirth” gag has to be old right? It feels like an old joke.

Elsewhere Xena is being an excellent actress. She gets even more of the plan. Again, it’s neat how Lawless does Xena as Meg by making her voice slightly lower where as Meg as Xena has a higher voice. That’s some attention to detail!

The dying king is trucked out to bond with Meg. Turns out she’s been poisoning him. She feels bad.

Joxer runs in and interrupts Xena and the whole thing going on with the evil advisor. Brief fight. Joxer’s called an idiot. The evil advisor runs upstairs and tells Meg to kill the king. She refuses. He gets pissed. Xena runs in. More fighting. Meg helps the dying king flee. Xena is moved by the action and now trusts Meg. According to the split screen she’s taller then Meg.

Wait Xena’s dad left when she was little, Meg’s dad died, they both look just like Diana. Is…is the king Xena’s dad? I choose to think YES.

Oh yeah and the baby’s been kidnapped and put over a pit of fire and the king looks to be dead.

Diana interrupts in a Xena costume. She fails to impress. The Meg walks in and also fails, but it’s worth it because “shamrock.” Gets me every time.

EVERYTIME.

Finally Xena walks in and saves the day. The baby is nearly roasted a number of times. At one point the baby flies out of it’s crib but Diana catches it.

After all that Meg makes it sound like the king is dead. He isn’t. Meg, the illiterate whore, saved him? Or something. Now everyone loves her and feels she’s lovable. Aw. Also she gets a new wardrobe change. Nice jewelry. Oh and she continues her affair with Joxer and her love of stealing shit.

How this episode makes historians weep

Man I was not paying attention to all those names the evil advisor was throwing around. But know that in ancient times kings didn’t have crowns as big as the king on this show.

Superhuman feats

• Amazing chakram throw
• Amazing acting ability
• Amazing ability to toss a baby around without killing it

Where it stands in the series

This was the last appearance of Diana and family and the first appearance of Meg. Oh Meg. How we adore you and your slutty, carefree ways. You’re why there’s that image of Lucy Lawless in a whip cream bikini out there on the web. (Don’t worry we’ll get to it!)

Disclaimer

Neither Xena or her remarkably coincidental identical twin, Diana, were harmed during the production of this picture. Meg, however, suffered minor injuries while preparing aardvark nuggets for King Lias.

Rating ***

It was funny and broad and breezy. Loved the way Lawless really tried to play each character differently. The whole episode is made worth it for the way she says “shamrock.” Seriously I could rewind and watch that moment a dozen times.

As the Parent Trap Xena comedies go this is the pinnacle of the genre…which is only a genre if you watch a lot of Xena.

Coming Soon

Episode 7, Intimate Strangers.
More Lawless playing other characters! This time she and Callisto switch bodies. One of them does Ares.