The Vampire Diaries Gets Complicated When Klaus Comes Back To Mystic Falls

it's like the breakfast club, but dorkier.

So it turns out our plucky band of heroes is still in high school after all! Ha ha. I had no idea. Basically I thought they were all in their mid-thirties at this point? Because let’s be real – no one has been to school in roughly eleven years. I kept watching this episode going “How are they going to graduate? Do they have the credits they need? IS ANYONE GOING TO COLLEGE?” and then I had to breathe into a paper bag because I had given myself a full-blown anxiety attack. Whose got two thumbs, a passion for recapping the Vampire Diaries, and crippling anxiety – THIS GIRL!

This week I watched our beloved show with a friend. Before it began I did my best to sum up the entire show fueled by Cheez-Its and white wine. It was arduous and took a lot out of me. I basically didn’t realize until half an hour into the show that I should’ve just been breaking it down a la True Blood (Elena is the Sookie, Stefan is Bill Compton, Both Klaus and Damon are Erik, etc.) Of course after spending all that time parsing the show and its characters, I neglected to mention Matt and he is (again with the of course) the first person we see this episode. Luckily my fellow watcher is an ardent fan of Friday Night Lights so she was pleased at the novelty of seeing the cowboy who wronged Tyra hanging out sans cowboy hat.

Matt thinks something scary is happening as he is pumping weights in the gym you guys! And he’s right! It is scary! It is our favorite band of high school seniors…setting up elaborate and lame pranks. I had a lot of questions about this like, where did they get keys to the high school, and, couldn’t they think of anything better to do? But all these questions were quieted when BOOM Klaus was there! Immediately! EEEEEE! WILL ELENA DIE TODAY? Probably not.

So because Elena needs to live on account of cause of how she is the main character of the show, Klaus is like “Clearly I cannot make hybrids because you are still alive – but that is cool, I won’t kill you, I will just THREATEN TO KILL YOU UNLESS BONNIE HELPS US FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE A VAMPIRE OUT OF YOUUUUU”

I was initially like, “LAME!” but then I got distracted by Klaus’s lips (direct quote: “I want to move into his lips - is that weird?”) and then FURTHER distracted by Klaus FORCE FEEDING TYLER HIS BLOOD AND KILLING HIM! GASP! Klaus straight up put a ticking clock on EVERYTHING this episode! He was all – “Stefan, get over Elena by the time this clock runs out or you will eat her, Bonnie, figure this out or Tyler will die, Girl – keep standing on one foot!” It all happened. Everything I just said.

While all this was going on Katherine and Damon were listening to Sheryl Crow and drinking Heinkens. No actually they were going to Chicago to help Stefan! Ha ha ha this was dumb because Stefan was in…Mystic Falls! Katherine knows that Klaus needs the necklace she stole from Bonnie last episode, and she also knows that they are trying to contact dead people and thus she was abducted Neckless J and put him in a trunk. Delightful.

Meanwhile back in Mystic Falls I wanted to slap Stefan because he was so boring in his “I have to eat you, I can’t help it, Elena!” nonsense.

I was much more interested in how Matt tried to drown himself in a pool in order to get critical information his dead Frankendownsy sister. You guys, speaking of which, she has done something to her eyebrows, and I believe it was go to the same person who does Caroline’s eyebrows and I am NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT.

Anyway he gets the info he needs and is saved from a watery hilarious grave by Bonnie. You guys I think Matt and Bonnie? That’s going to happen. Because Matt is legally obligated to date everyone in the tiny town of Mystic Falls.

Katherine and Damon eventually figure out that they need to go back to Mystic Falls. They leave Jeremy in the woods. Ha ha, nah, they don’t do that – BUT I WISH THEY HAD!

Back in the gymnasium Elena is brutalized by Stefan and wakes up in the hospital. Turns out the original witch was fucking with Klaus (because OF COURSE she was, she would have to be in order for our story to move forward) and in order to make hybrids successfully Klaus needs to feed all the Bebe werevamps HER blood to turn them.

That means Tyler is a successful werevamp and not gonna die! Which is awesome! but he’s being weird! And even though Caroline hugs him she’s got a case of the sad eyes which makes me want to sing Coldplay to her and buy her a Frostie from Wendy’s. I mean wait, what, who said that?

Other people I would sing Coldplay to include Klaus – daaaaaw, he only wants to make everyone else hybrids…so he has friends! He’s so lonely! Here Klaus, let me hug you for a while and maybe touch your wiener. Everything will be okay.

OR WILL IT!

Damon swear he will never leave Elena again and I was all “…penis?” because I was still thinking about Klaus, but whatever it was sweet and you want them to go on dates even though ultimately it would never work. They are looking at each other tenderly when Stefan walks in and everything gets amazing.

Klaus has compelled Stefan into getting over Elena. I’m glad. I’d been trying to compel him in this fashion for a whole season but because vampires are not real this was impossible and also giving me a headache. Klaus, being such a trickster, had told Stefan to stay in Mystic Falls and keep an eye on Elena whose blood they need indefinitely. Stefan’s “not into Elena” attitude is hilarious because it is Paul Wesley doing an impression of Ian Somerhalder and Paul Wesley is not very good at impressions it turns out. I am also 90% sure he was even wearing one of Damon’s shirts.

Next week! Will Caroline ever be happy again? Have we seen the last of Frankendowns? WHERE IS ALARIC? IS HE THINKING OF ME? DOES THE SHIRT STEFAN’S WEARING STILL SMELL LIKE DAMON? These and other questions answered or probably  not actually – on the Vampire Diaries.