Elena Brainwashes Stefan and Jeremy Smooches Anna

I almost didn’t watch this week’s episode of the Vampire Diaries – blasphemy, I know! But let’s be real, this whole ‘ghosts are walking the earth because basically Bonnie is the worst witch ever,’ plot line begs for a return of stupid, homely, Aunt Jenna, arguably the least successful vampire of all time. Yeah, remember that? She was totally a vampire for a second, and then she died. And I laughed, and laughed, and laughed and also made out with Alaric JUST TO SPITE HER. Ha ha, what if that had actually happened? Anyway, so after the episode aired I haunted twitter waiting for “OMGJENNA” or “YAY AUNT JENNA” or “BECCA’S LIVING NIGHTMARE REALIZED!” to start trending, and when it didn’t, I slept the sleep of a thousand deaths, so delighted and relieved to know that Jenna’s gibbering maw would remain silence for another week.

When last we met our cast of plucky outlaws ‘Ric was all pissed because Damon had become moody (as is his wont) and killed him. Again. Seriously, someone make a video of Damon killing ‘Ric and call me, because I have musical scoring ideas. Anyway, they’d bro’ed it out and they fenced with their tongues for a while and thus everything was resolved sort of. Which is good because hilariously, dead werewolf Mason Lockwood – who Damon killed – is all haunting the eff out of Damon and stabbing him in the gut for revenge. For one glorious moment I then thought Mason was going to pop his top and be all, “Now that I’ve weakened you with one kind of wood, allow me to torment you with another.” GET IT? I mean his penis. But that didn’t happen. Instead Stefan (who is still evil – you can tell because of his eyeshadow and bronzer. Seriously. He is rocking a very stylish evening look.) freed Damon who scuttled off to tell Bonnie that her plan to send Frankendowns back to hell has caused A GHOST PROBLEM.

Then he cruised off to booze and pout with his lover from another mother, ‘Ric, leaving Bonnie and Caroline to be all “O noes! Ghostseses?” Luckily, Bonnie evil spell book magically opened to a page they believed would be helpful in solving their problem. This is why you never listen to your book of evil spells. But because this is Bonnie and Caroline, essentially the show’s Shaggy and Scooby, they return to the evil basement where all the witches were burned and Bonnie casts a spell that makes all the ghosts walking visible. Which is hilarious – AND BOY OH BOY DO SHENANIGANS ENSURE. Bonnie’s dead gram appears, and Bonnie goes, “ZOINKS!” and then CAROLINE nervously ate some Scooby snacks and I said, “Jinkies!” because if anyone mentions Scooby Doo I go ten kinds of Velma up in this bitch.Anyway, Grams HAD A MESSAGE: she said that Bonnie was a terrible witch, and that is she wanted to send all the ghosts dragged back to Justin Long, then she’d need to destroy Elena’s necklace. FUCK THAT NECKLACE, YOU GUYS. I AM OVER IT.

But the rest of the gang is also having some ghostly times! Elena catches Neckless J totally getting his swerve on with ghost Anna! GHOST SEX YOU GUYS! THAT COULD HAPPEN! And then Lexi came back! To slam Stefan’s head into a car and then lock him a dungeon (that was Caroline’s dad’s dungeon, yes? Or if Mystic Falls rife with these sort of places?) and also Mason Lockwood is at the bar! Bugging Damon! And saying now that he needs Damon’s help in killing Klaus and he’s got a secret weapon! I REMAIN  SUSPICIOUS. ALSO, AROUSED.

Then Mason-Ghost and Damon were in a cave and Damon got shot to shit by a booby-trap and I was all “Hilarious,” and Mason got all sassy and was like, “You need to be more trusting Damon and I  also I am not trying to kill you, I just want to be redeemed and make things better for Tyler who is not in the episode for some reason now excuse me while I go see this weapon to destroy Klaus and you can’t come in because it’s blocked to vampires. Laters!”

Meanwhile nothing else awesome happened.

Ha ha, I’m kidding, I’m kidding – it’s just that this episode was very Neckless J heavy, and that guy is the worst. Anyhoo, he cheated on his lady – WHO BROUGHT HIM BACK FROM THE DEAD – with a ghost, and Bonnie finds out and is all NOW I SHALL DRAG YOU TO JUSTIN LONG! Nah, I’m just playin‘, instead she’s just like “WE WILL TALK ABOUT THIS LATER.”

The other ish that happened was Lexi trying to dry out Stefan while Elena looked on all gaped mouthed and vacantly with very, very shiny hair.

The other, other ish that happened was the league of vampires who had been killed last season were trying to resume their plan to kill the founding families but luckily Caroline was all “THAT IS MY BOYFRIEND’S MOM!” and defends Priscilla Presley who now basically has to love her forever. While all this was happening, Tyler was off doing other very important things.

Eventually they burned the necklace in a fire and had some lunch and the ghosts went away forever and then the necklace regenerated and Elena sang a special song to Stefan who is still not better and Damon and Alaric hugged it out with their penises in the cave and ‘Ric went and saw the cave paintings that will destroy Klaus because if there’s one thing Klaus hates, it is art.