Bones Gets Weird When Brennan Gets Pregnant
To celebrate the return of everyone’s favorite mildly autistic forensic anthropologist, I invited Editor-In-Chief Alex Cranz to join me in a stream-of-consciousness-style-recap-as-we-go Adventure. What follows is that exchange. I want to say we won’t do this every week, but I can’t promise that – because as you will see, I am incredibly hard to ignore on gchat.8:21 PM me: SO EXCITED ABOUT BONES!What are you doing to get ready?I am eating chips and guacamole.And I’ve got scotch chilling.
6 minutes8:28 PM me: Also please know that if you do not engage me with me in chat, I will chat anyway.8:29 PM me: And as this is going to be – from here on out – what I post as a recap tomorrow – the masses will have to be entertained by me chatting to myself.Hello, the masses!
30 minutes8:59 PM me: Well here we go! I have tuned in early and there is Paula Abdul and babies because it is X-Factor.Alex: (Autoreply) “No men were men back then. If you wanted to do things with another man you weren’t gay. Nope just celebrating another man’s strength.”
– 30 Rock9:00 PM me: Autoreply?! BUT BONES HAS BEGUNPaintball is being played and it seems serious. I can only pray the gang is in training to defeat Angela and Hodgins deaf evil baby.9:01 PM me: Guess what?They found some bones!And this one paintballer stuck his finger into a gushy eyeball.Good work, Bones.WHOA9:02 PM me: Temp is pregnant and huge.Booth is being insensitive and I love it and they are kissing sweetly.I.I.9:03 PM me: I kind of love this?AH MARRIAGE PROPOSAL?WHAT IS GOING ON?Am I drunk?Booth posits that Brennan will propose to him.Then eats Brennan’s toast.Now they are going to solve a murder.9:04 PM me: Hodgins has gotten hotter.Also he can’t say “burrow”. Instead it sounds like he’s saying “Barrow”9:05 PM me: Bones is crying at the body, because she is so pregnant.Booth takes a photo of her weeping. I am delighted.Bones, heavily pregnant, just scuttled off weeping.CREDITSbabababbabababababduhugughgh
g9:06 PM Crystal Method is my favorite band.Note to self – and masses – look up photos of Crystal method.9:07 PM Ha ha – seriously, do it, I just did and I’m cancelling my life-plans and following them.With my vagina.Commericals.9:08 PM This Kindle ad where the lady talks about her spending is odd.Is the guy in it her stalker?9:09 PM Ugh. Glee commercial. Wait those kids from Glee haven’t fucked yet?SHOW’S BACKThe dead body looks like the Svedka vodka robot.CAMILLE what have you done with your hair? WE HAVE BEEN OVER THIS! Oh lord. She looks like an extra in Cabaret.9:11 PM There were brain beetles, which Hodgins is science-ing now.Now Sweets and Booth are chatting.Sweets wants to talk about Booth and Brennan’s sexy times and life.Booth is having none of it.Poor Sweets. He love chatting.9:12 PM Alex: I just got here because I forgot and George’s mom was on Grey’s Anatomy.so questionme: WELCOMEAlex: are Bones and Booth dating?are they married?me: APPARENTLY.Dating.They divide their time between homesand Booth won’t propose until Brennan does.Alex: have they made out?me: They kissed9:13 PM and Booth was tottling around pantsless?But no.No, Alex they have not.Alex: Woah Cam’s hairme: But she DID weep while examining remains and Booth laughed and took pictures.I KNOW. (Re: Cam’s hair)I had that haircut once.I looked better.Snap.Alex: her bangs are so bigme: Ugh. I still hate Angela.Alex: but so tinyme: She doesn’t have enough hair.And has too much face.Alex: they make me conscious of how small her forehead is.9:14 PM me: Oh look. Bones is having emotions.And Angela judges.Alex: Man Bones is so pudgy in the face with babiesme: Question – why is Angela such a dick?Oh,because she has a baby and knows everything right. I forgot.Alex: she’s being wise and emotional Beccabecause Bones is the dummy who doesn’t get peopleGOSHme: (referring to a video Angela began playing of her and Hodgins playing with their baby) why does she have that video ready to go?9:15 PM Alex: That’s a little…that’s creepyAw this episode is against single parentsDOWN WITH THEM Angela saysme: Wow. I’m pretty insulted by how this show is asserting that two parent households are superior.Ha ha – exactly.Alex: WORDI hope this is a woman murdered by her husbandme: Maybe they will kill Angela this season.Alex: so we can see that marriage is deadly and evilme: Yeah, I agree.9:16 PM Or the twist will be…HER JEALOUS LOVER KILLED HER.Alex: Or Angela made a snuff film using her bodywait whatme: THAT.They did not break the news to this guy about Victim/Claire very well.Oh shit.Alex: Man this husband is too upset about his wifeclearly killed herme: It’s a priest episode.Alex: AND he’s religiousyou now how priests are9:17 PM me: The evil priest did it.Alex: all murdering their wivesme: Because all priests are so evil.Sigh.Should I call my mom?Make sure she is, like, alive?Alex: yestell her HE’S IN THE HOUSEme: “he’s…right….next to you…WATCHING BONES!”wait wait wait – Claire had retrograde amensia and was in a fugue state.9:18 PM Alex: Wait what?me: So she probably had another husband, right?Alex: also her name is Claire?me: Yeah.Alex: polygamist!me: And now her priest husband is saying her death is what the lord wanted.Been there done that. Step it up, Bones!Alex: caaareepyme: Make up for your lack of sweet, sweet ugly bumping.Commericals!I am drinking Scotch.Alex: are you getting a commerical for Immortals9:19 PM because I am and I want to rub that movie all over myselfwhile eating snickersme: I did, now it’s for the electric car.I just had a 3 musketeers.SCOTCHAlex: Those are pretty tightme: My youngest brother just texted me -Alex: did you know they used to have Strawberry ones?9:20 PM me: he wants to write a spec script for a Sweets spin off.YESBut I never ate one, were they gross?Alex: that’s basically what they’re doing thoughlike Sweets is going to be busy being Sweetsy all seasonme: Yeah, and did you notice him saying he was ready to step in and help when the time came?I was like “That’s cool, Liz Benjamin, we get it.”9:21 PM How high is the sky before space starts?IIIII meant to type that in Google.Ha ha ha.Alex: pretty high9:22 PM me: I’m trying to figure out if you get sucked into space accidentally while flying.Alex: Man look at Bones consume foodme: BONES IS ON.She is eating a lot and Booth is grossed out.Alex: on account of her being pregnantalso her gazongashellome: I want to rest my head on her.Alex: pillowyme: These guys had no honeymoon period.9:23 PM I hope he cheats on her.Or that the baby dies.Alex: I hope she cheats on himme: I am all for killing babies on Bones.With a fetishist.Alex: an orthopedic surgeon fetishistWE’RE FAMILYYOU LIVE WITH MEGUILT TRIPme: He was so insulted!HE’S SUCK A DICK!Alex: Why is he angry?me: He gets up her ass about eating and then freaks on her about refusing to live together.9:24 PM This isn’t very nice.I am anti-Booth.Alex: I was looking up synonyms for pillowy and missed itme: And strangely attracted to Hodgins.Alex: remember when there was that time where he might have been a serial killerme: Ha ha ha. That was awesome.He did such a good job with that. Remember when we found out he was a millionaire.9:25 PM Booth brought up his gambling problem for no reason.Is the pregnancy making him want to gamble?This show is dumb now forever.Alex: maybe he’ll gamble away the babyand Bones won’t be able to copeand she’ll become super anti-emotionsand Boothe will travel in Europe looking for their gambled baby9:26 PM and Hodgins and Angela will become serial killersme: Or the baby will born a sociopath.And it will kill Booth.Alex: no noANGELAme: And Bones will be forced to choosekill her baby?Alex: Booth will be all “we can’t kill him””I’m a father and love Jesus and he just killed Angela”me: Or join him in a life of criiiiime!9:27 PM Alex: and Bones will still have to chooseCAM’S HAIR.it’s worse then Haddie’s on Parenthoodme: She is dressed like she’s in a Chadwell’s catalogue.styled that way too.Alex: and her shoes matchy match her skinme: Chadwick’s I mean.Seriously, check out Chadwick’s.9:28 PM So we should say that the victim was being stalked by a silent, crazy man who can only speak when he plays the violin.9:29 PM His name is Trevor and he is a petite Asian man.HA HA HAGIF THISGIF ITAlex: Boothe has no time for sad violinistsis he crazy?are they at an asylum?me: yes.Alex: I’m good at following Bonesme: But he’s not totally crazy? He’s got aphasia.9:30 PM and linseed oil on him! Like Claire’s body.Ha ha, my cat just jumped at the Bones music.Alex: ooohme: I think the cat did it.Or my dad.9:32 PM This army commerical is making me cry!9:33 PM BONES – why is this baby in the lab!9:34 PM Alex: This is like how people who cut up dead bodiesbring their sandwiches into the morgue9:35 PM me: but with more spiders.and also gross.Alex: Woah Bones’s makeupher face is ORANGEme: not for me. But my TV is of poor quality.WHOA.9:36 PM Booth said he loved her!Alex: omgme: I feel like eight episodes were left out.Alex: or an entire seasonme: and she loves him I guess?Alex: so I’m just going to infer that they started banging after he got cancerme: And that cut. WAS AWFUL.Alex: what was with the magic?me: Me too I guess.Alex: it was like Sabrina the Teenage Witchme: Sweets is a wizard now.Alex: this makes senseme: Uh oh, the priest has been beating the victim.9:37 PM Alex: because he is a priest9:38 PM ”I love my INSERT RELATIONSHIP” is sodumbI never want to hear that phrase in a murder show againme: “Even a man of god can be tempted,” Alex.Alex: ooooohme: I liked how on Prime Suspect last week instead of saying that, the stepdad just started slamming his head on the table.9:39 PM Alex: he killed her because she didn’t go to the tent for her mensesthat’s because Prime Suspect is the bestme: squatting in the red tent. That’s where it’s AT.It really is.Alex: this isn’t cool to say, but I’d be down with a red tentsocially allowed to take a week off and just read and eat olives?bring itme: Angela can blow me.9:40 PM I could feel that.But there weren’t bras then.or ibuprofen.Now think about the odor.Alex: also tampons were just raw cotton on a stickand most people just used a rag they had to hand cleanme: or in the tent9:41 PM they just hovered.over mats.hovered Alex.Alex: but what happened to the mats?me: My quads are awesomeAlex: did they burn them?me: but not that awesome.THEY WERE BURNEDAlex: or wash themme: YESAlex: ohme: The stankAlex: that’s fine thenme: sweet lord the stankAh to be unclean.Alex: you’d get great quads, a break from workand olives and boozealso you could end arguements with “I HAVE TO GO SQUAT ON A MAT”me: you have to move past the olives, Alex.oh wait, I have olives.brb9:42 PM these commercials are depressing – are yours depressing?9:43 PM Alex: YesI was reading about how Lauren Ambrose was supposed to do Funny Girl on Broadwayme: but now I have olives.so that’s good.Alex: but the show got cancelledme: awww, that’s mad bum bums.SHOW IS BACK ON9:44 PM Claire robbed a house.That is how she got shot.She was a fugue robber.Alex: of courseif her husband didn’t kill her I will be pissedme: and her fugue companion is in a half way house.Man.Now Hodgins is all speaking German.That shit is hot.9:45 PM Alex: dude looks like a baby Billy Burkeme: who married and fathered a man child with Enrique Inglesia.Alex: moooolesauce is delicioussee how I did that?9:46 PM me: love it.oh so the thing that was dug out of her gave was this guy’s robbery stash.9:47 PM Alex: why on earth would he tell Booth he wished he’d killed her?me: to prove he didn’t do it.And when did Booth become so slow that Sweets needs to explain the crime using Chinese Food.Alex: also why do I now want General Tso’s chicken?9:48 PM IS SHE IN LABOR?me: is Bones okay?BONES IS STUCKBECAUSE SHE IS SO LARGESHE IS STUCK BETWEEN CRATESTHATIS AMAZINGAlex: I love that she had to call Boothme: AND NOW HE IS TAKING A PHOTO.Alex: aaaaw adorable she called him because she missed him9:49 PM me: See? Sometimes Bones has feelings!And now they are going to all live together and be happy.The institution of marriage is not lost to us yet, Alex.Alex: this romance is entirely too business like9:50 PM me: heh heh hehsexually.Alex: man when did she become so emotionally stupid?she wasn’t always this wayare you okaythey were kissingme: the hormones.Alex: also HER TOPme: I maaaay have splooged a little.Alex: it’s like a giha ha hame: did you catch that – hormones make you unable to do your job well.Alex: she was awash in hormones9:51 PM me: We are of one mind.Alex: man so this is making it out that women are incompetent when pregnant?me: Yes.And that a child raised in any other way than by a straight man and a straight woman living under one roof is doomed.9:52 PM Alex: this is why old people watch this show while eating canned peaches and mayo9:53 PM er canned pearsand mayoand shredded cheddarme: that is a terrible combination of things.Alex: that’s what old people eat!they’re all JOIN US ALEX IT IS DELICIOUSand it is not, it is weirdme: and white bread sopped in buttermilk.Alex: man I want to punch Sweets in the faceso hard9:54 PM me: we should mention that the doctor is covering up evidence about Claire.So apparently he did it.And gambling is involved.Alex: oh yes, he didme: We are not paying very good attention.Alex: wait is Claire the gambler?or her doctor?9:55 PM aw Cam and Hodgins are skypingme: the doche stole claire’s money.Alex: I love that they HAVE to talk to each other via camerame: to cover his debt.Alex: no phones!me: Ha ha ha technology.Alex: Bones was so happy about finding chewing gum9:56 PM me: this almost makes up for her total womanly incompetence.Alex: she was all “fuck yes I’m awesome”but then she was awash in hormones and had to fall over like a fat baby seal9:57 PM me: or Judy Garland.So the doctor did it to cover gambling debts.Alex: boooooooringme: The priest is good and so is marriage. Fox says so.Alex: man they are a boring married coupleand his excitement was so fake9:58 PM but now they’re being adorable?me: I am so conflicted.Her boobsare like monsters.Alex: They could eat usor Booth’s faceme: David Boreanaz is so weirded out by Emily being pregnant.9:59 PM Alex: whathe won’t let her support himwith her ample bosomsI mean bank accountLAMEalso SADme: LAMESooooo this show is really anti-fat people, and really anti-sex.10:00 PM Alex: truebut pregant Bones Charging a dude?me: CREDITS ROLLING: Well that was Bones I guess.Alex: hilarious10:01 PM me: So to sum up: sexist, not that well-written, hilarious at times, weird, awkward, infuriating and I will watch next week.ClassicBones.10:02 PM Alex: peace