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  • Bones Gets Weird When Brennan Gets Pregnant

    No comments yetBones, Recaps, TelevisionNov 4, 2011

    By

    To celebrate the return of everyone’s favorite mildly autistic forensic anthropologist, I invited Editor-In-Chief Alex Cranz to join me in a stream-of-consciousness-style-recap-as-we-go Adventure. What follows is that exchange. I want to say we won’t do this every week, but I can’t promise that – because as you will see, I am incredibly hard to ignore on gchat.

     

    8:21 PM  me: SO EXCITED ABOUT BONES!
      What are you doing to get ready?
      I am eating chips and guacamole.
      And I’ve got scotch chilling.
    		 6 minutes
    8:28 PM me: Also please know that if you do not engage me with me in chat, I will chat anyway.
    8:29 PM me: And as this is going to be – from here on out – what I post as a recap tomorrow – the masses will have to be entertained by me chatting to myself.
    Hello, the masses!
    		 30 minutes
    8:59 PM me: Well here we go! I have tuned in early and there is Paula Abdul and babies because it is X-Factor.
     Alex: (Autoreply) “No men were men back then. If you wanted to do things with another man you weren’t gay. Nope just celebrating another man’s strength.”

    – 30 Rock

    9:00 PM me: Autoreply?! BUT BONES HAS BEGUN
      Paintball is being played and it seems serious. I can only pray the gang is in training to defeat Angela and Hodgins  deaf evil baby.
    9:01 PM  me: Guess what?
      They found some bones!
      And this one paintballer stuck his finger into a gushy eyeball.
      Good work, Bones.
      WHOA
    9:02 PM me: Temp is pregnant and huge.
      Booth is being insensitive and I love it and they are kissing sweetly.
      I.
      I.
    9:03 PM me: I kind of love this?
      AH MARRIAGE PROPOSAL?
      WHAT IS GOING ON?
      Am I drunk?
      Booth posits that Brennan will propose to him.
      Then eats Brennan’s toast.
      Now they are going to solve a murder.
    9:04 PM me: Hodgins has gotten hotter.
      Also he can’t say “burrow”. Instead it sounds like he’s saying “Barrow”
    9:05 PM me: Bones is crying at the body, because she is so pregnant.
      Booth takes a photo of her weeping. I am delighted.
      Bones, heavily pregnant, just scuttled off weeping.
      CREDITS
      babababbabababababduhugughghg
    9:06 PM Crystal Method is my favorite band.
      Note to self – and masses – look up photos of Crystal method.
    9:07 PM Ha ha – seriously, do it, I just did and I’m cancelling my life-plans and following them.
      With my vagina.
      Commericals.
    9:08 PM This Kindle ad where the lady talks about her spending is odd.
      Is the guy in it her stalker?
    9:09 PM Ugh. Glee commercial. Wait those kids from Glee haven’t fucked yet?
      SHOW’S BACK
      The dead body looks like the Svedka vodka robot.
      CAMILLE what have you done with your hair? WE HAVE BEEN OVER THIS! Oh lord. She looks like an extra in Cabaret.
    9:11 PM There were brain beetles, which Hodgins is science-ing now.
      Now Sweets and Booth are chatting.
      Sweets wants to talk about Booth and Brennan’s sexy times and life.
      Booth is having none of it.
      Poor Sweets. He love chatting.
    9:12 PM Alex: I just got here because I forgot and George’s mom was on Grey’s Anatomy.
      so question
     me: WELCOME
     Alex: are Bones and Booth dating?
      are they married?
     me: APPARENTLY.
      Dating.
      They divide their time between  homes
      and Booth won’t propose until Brennan does.
     Alex: have they made out?
     me: They kissed
    9:13 PM and Booth was tottling around pantsless?
      But no.
      No, Alex they have not.
     Alex: Woah Cam’s hair
     me: But she DID weep while examining remains and Booth laughed and took pictures.
      I KNOW. (Re: Cam’s hair)
      I had that haircut once.
      I looked better.
      Snap.
     Alex: her bangs are so big
     me: Ugh. I still hate Angela.
     Alex: but so tiny
     me: She doesn’t have enough hair.
      And has too much face.
     Alex: they make me conscious of how small her forehead is.
    9:14 PM me: Oh look. Bones is having emotions.
      And Angela judges.
     Alex: Man Bones is so pudgy in the face with babies
     me: Question – why is Angela such a dick?
      Oh,because she has a baby and knows everything right. I forgot.
     Alex: she’s being wise and emotional Becca
      because Bones is the dummy who doesn’t get people
      GOSH
     me: (referring to a video Angela began playing of her and Hodgins playing with their baby) why does she have that video ready to go?
    9:15 PM Alex: That’s a little…that’s creepy
      Aw this episode is against single parents
      DOWN WITH THEM Angela says
     me: Wow. I’m pretty insulted by how this show is asserting that two parent households are superior.
      Ha ha – exactly.
     Alex: WORD
      I hope this is a woman murdered by her husband
     me: Maybe they will kill Angela this season.
     Alex: so we can see that marriage is deadly and evil
     me: Yeah, I agree.
    9:16 PM Or the twist will be…HER JEALOUS LOVER KILLED HER.
     Alex: Or Angela made a snuff film using her body
      wait what
     me: THAT.
      They did not break the news to this guy about Victim/Claire very well.
      Oh shit.
     Alex: Man this husband is too upset about his wife
      clearly killed her
     me: It’s a priest episode.
     Alex: AND he’s religious
      you now how priests are
    9:17 PM me: The evil priest did it.
     Alex: all murdering their wives
     me: Because all priests are so evil.
      Sigh.
      Should I call my mom?
      Make sure she is, like, alive?
     Alex: yes
      tell her HE’S IN THE HOUSE
     me: “he’s…right….next to you…WATCHING BONES!”
      wait wait wait – Claire had retrograde amensia and was in a fugue state.
    9:18 PM Alex: Wait what?
     me: So she probably had another husband, right?
     Alex: also her name is Claire?
     me: Yeah.
     Alex: polygamist!
     me: And now her priest husband is saying her death is what the lord wanted.
      Been there done that. Step it up, Bones!
     Alex: caaareepy
     me: Make up for your lack of sweet, sweet ugly bumping.
      Commericals!
      I am drinking Scotch.
     Alex: are you getting a commerical for Immortals
    9:19 PM because I am and I want to rub that movie all over myself
      while eating snickers
     me: I did, now it’s for the electric car.
      I just had a 3 musketeers.
      SCOTCH
     Alex: Those are pretty tight
     me: My youngest brother just texted me -
     Alex: did you know they used to have Strawberry ones?
    9:20 PM me: he wants to write a spec script for a Sweets spin off.
      YES
      But I never ate one, were they gross?
     Alex: that’s basically what they’re doing though
      like Sweets is going to be busy being Sweetsy all season
     me: Yeah, and did you notice him saying he was ready to step in and help when the time came?
      I was like “That’s cool, Liz Benjamin, we get it.”
    9:21 PM How high is the sky before space starts?
      IIIII meant to type that in Google.
      Ha ha ha.
     Alex: pretty high
    9:22 PM me: I’m trying to figure out if you get sucked into space accidentally while flying.
     Alex: Man look at Bones consume food
     me: BONES IS ON.
      She is eating a lot and Booth is grossed out.
     Alex: on account of her being pregnant
      also her gazongas
      hello
     me: I want to rest my head on her.
     Alex: pillowy
     me: These guys had no honeymoon period.
    9:23 PM I hope he cheats on her.
      Or that the baby dies.
     Alex: I hope she cheats on him
     me: I am all for killing babies on Bones.
      With a fetishist.
     Alex: an orthopedic surgeon fetishist
      WE’RE FAMILY
      YOU LIVE WITH ME
      GUILT TRIP
     me: He was so insulted!
      HE’
      S SUCK A DICK!
     Alex: Why is he angry?
     me: He gets up her ass about eating and then freaks on her about refusing to live together.
    9:24 PM This isn’t very nice.
      I am anti-Booth.
     Alex: I was looking up synonyms for pillowy and missed it
     me: And strangely attracted to Hodgins.
     Alex: remember when there was that time where he might have been a serial killer
     me: Ha ha ha. That was awesome.
      He did such a good job with that. Remember when we found out he was a millionaire.
    9:25 PM Booth brought up his gambling problem for no reason.
      Is the pregnancy making him want to gamble?
      This show is dumb now forever.
     Alex: maybe he’ll gamble away the baby
      and Bones won’t be able to cope
      and she’ll become super anti-emotions
      and Boothe will travel in Europe looking for their gambled baby
    9:26 PM and Hodgins and Angela will become serial killers
     me: Or the baby will born a sociopath.
      And it will kill Booth.
     Alex: no no
      ANGELA
     me: And Bones will be forced to choose
      kill her baby?
     Alex: Booth will be all “we can’t kill him”
      ”I’m a father and love Jesus and he just killed Angela”
     me: Or join him in a life of criiiiime!
    9:27 PM Alex: and Bones will still have to choose
      CAM’S HAIR.
      it’s worse then Haddie’s on Parenthood
     me: She is dressed like she’s in a Chadwell’s catalogue.
      styled that way too.
     Alex: and her shoes matchy match her skin
     me: Chadwick’s I mean.
      Seriously, check out Chadwick’s.
    9:28 PM So we should say that the victim was being stalked by a silent, crazy man who can only speak when he plays the violin.
    9:29 PM His name is Trevor and he is a petite Asian man.
      HA HA HA
      GIF THIS
      GIF IT
     Alex: Boothe has no time for sad violinists
      is he crazy?
      are they at an asylum?
     me: yes.
     Alex: I’m good at following Bones
     me: But he’s not totally crazy? He’s got aphasia.
    9:30 PM and linseed oil on him! Like Claire’s body.
      Ha ha, my cat just jumped at the Bones music.
     Alex: oooh
     me: I think the cat did it.
      Or my dad.
    9:32 PM This army commerical is making me cry!
    9:33 PM BONES – why is this baby in the lab!
    9:34 PM Alex: This is like how people who cut up dead bodies
      bring their sandwiches into the morgue
    9:35 PM me: but with more spiders.
      and also gross.
     Alex: Woah Bones’s makeup
      her face is ORANGE
     me: not for me. But my TV is of poor quality.
      WHOA.
    9:36 PM Booth said he loved her!
     Alex: o
      m
      g
     me: I feel like eight episodes were left out.
     Alex: or an entire season
     me: and she loves him I guess?
     Alex: so I’m just going to infer that they started banging after he got cancer
     me: And that cut. WAS AWFUL.
     Alex: what was with the magic?
     me: Me too I guess.
     Alex: it was like Sabrina the Teenage Witch
     me: Sweets is a wizard now.
     Alex: this makes sense
     me: Uh oh, the priest has been beating the victim.
    9:37 PM Alex: because he is a priest
    9:38 PM ”I love my INSERT RELATIONSHIP” is so
      dumb
      I never want to hear that phrase in a murder show again
     me: “Even a man of god can be tempted,” Alex.
     Alex: oooooh
     me: I liked how on Prime Suspect last week instead of saying that, the stepdad just started slamming his head on the table.
    9:39 PM Alex: he killed her because she didn’t go to the tent for her menses
      that’s because Prime Suspect is the best
     me: squatting in the red tent. That’s where it’s AT.
      It really is.
     Alex: this isn’t cool to say, but I’d be down with a red tent
      socially allowed to take a week off and just read and eat olives?
      bring it
     me: Angela can blow me.
    9:40 PM I could feel that.
      But there weren’t bras then.
      or ibuprofen.
      Now think about the odor.
     Alex: also tampons were just raw cotton on a stick
      and most people just used a rag they had to hand clean
     me: or in the tent
    9:41 PM they just hovered.
      over mats.
      hovered Alex.
     Alex: but what happened to the mats?
     me: My quads are awesome
     Alex: did they burn them?
     me: but not that awesome.
      THEY WERE BURNED
     Alex: or wash them
     me: YES
     Alex: oh
     me: The stank
     Alex: that’s fine then
     me: sweet lord the stank
      Ah to be unclean.
     Alex: you’d get great quads, a break from work
      and olives and booze
      also you could end arguements with “I HAVE TO GO SQUAT ON A MAT”
     me: you have to move past the olives, Alex.
      oh wait, I have olives.
      brb
    9:42 PM these commercials are depressing – are yours depressing?
    9:43 PM Alex: Yes
      I was reading about how Lauren Ambrose was supposed to do Funny Girl on Broadway
     me: but now I have olives.
      so that’s good.
     Alex: but the show got cancelled
     me: awww, that’s mad bum bums.
      SHOW IS BACK ON
    9:44 PM Claire robbed a house.
      That is how she got shot.
      She was a fugue robber.
     Alex: of course
      if her husband didn’t kill her I will be pissed
     me: and her fugue companion is in a half way house.
      Man.
      Now Hodgins is all speaking German.
      That shit is hot.
    9:45 PM Alex: dude looks like a baby Billy Burke
     me: who married and fathered a man child with Enrique Inglesia.
     Alex: moooole
      sauce is delicious
      see how I did that?
    9:46 PM me: love it.
      oh so the thing that was dug out of her gave was this guy’s robbery stash.
    9:47 PM Alex: why on earth would he tell Booth he wished he’d killed her?
     me: to prove he didn’t do it.
      And when did Booth become so slow that Sweets needs to explain the crime using Chinese Food.
     Alex: also why do I now want General Tso’s chicken?
    9:48 PM IS SHE IN LABOR?
     me: is Bones okay?
      BONES IS STUCK
      BECAUSE SHE IS SO LARGE
      SHE IS STUCK BETWEEN CRATES
      THAT
      IS AMAZING
     Alex: I love that she had to call Booth
     me: AND NOW HE IS TAKING A PHOTO.
     Alex: aaaaw adorable she called him because she missed him
    9:49 PM me: See? Sometimes Bones has feelings!
      And now they are going to all live together and be happy.
      The institution of marriage is not lost to us yet, Alex.
     Alex: this romance is entirely too business like
    9:50 PM me: heh heh heh
      sexually.
     Alex: man when did she become so emotionally stupid?
      she wasn’t always this way
      are you okay
      they were kissing
     me: the hormones.
     Alex: also HER TOP
     me: I maaaay have splooged a little.
     Alex: it’s like a gi
      ha ha ha
     me: did you catch that – hormones make you unable to do your job well.
     Alex: she was awash in hormones
    9:51 PM me: We are of one mind.
     Alex: man so this is making it out that women are incompetent when pregnant?
     me: Yes.
      And that a child raised in any other way than by a straight man and a straight woman living under one roof is doomed.
    9:52 PM Alex: this is why old people watch this show while eating canned peaches and mayo
    9:53 PM er canned pears
      and mayo
      and shredded cheddar
     me: that is a terrible combination of things.
     Alex: that’s what old people eat!
      they’re all JOIN US ALEX IT IS DELICIOUS
      and it is not, it is weird
     me: and white bread sopped in buttermilk.
     Alex: man I want to punch Sweets in the face
      so hard
    9:54 PM me: we should mention that the doctor is covering up evidence about Claire.
      So apparently he did it.
      And gambling is involved.
     Alex: oh yes, he did
     me: We are not paying very good attention.
     Alex: wait is Claire the gambler?
      or her doctor?
    9:55 PM aw Cam and Hodgins are skyping
     me: the doc
      he stole claire’s money.
     Alex: I love that they HAVE to talk to each other via camera
     me: to cover his debt.
     Alex: no phones!
     me: Ha ha ha technology.
     Alex: Bones was so happy about finding chewing gum
    9:56 PM me: this almost makes up for her total womanly incompetence.
     Alex: she was all “fuck yes I’m awesome”
      but then she was awash in hormones and had to fall over like a fat baby seal
    9:57 PM me: or Judy Garland.
      So the doctor did it to cover gambling debts.
     Alex: boooooooring
     me: The priest is good and so is marriage. Fox says so.
     Alex: man they are a boring married couple
      and his excitement was so fake
    9:58 PM but now they’re being adorable?
     me: I am so conflicted.
      Her boobs
      are like monsters.
     Alex: They could eat us
      or Booth’s face
     me: David Boreanaz is so weirded out by Emily being pregnant.
    9:59 PM Alex: what
      he won’t let her support him
      with her ample bosoms
      I mean bank account
      LAME
      also SAD
     me: LAME
      Sooooo this show is really anti-fat people, and really anti-sex.
    10:00 PM Alex: true
      but pregant Bones Charging a dude?
     me: CREDITS ROLLING: Well that was Bones I guess.
     Alex: hilarious
    10:01 PM me: So to sum up: sexist, not that well-written, hilarious at times, weird, awkward, infuriating and I will watch next week.
      Classic
      Bones.
    10:02 PM Alex: peace

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