The Vampire Diaries Goes Back In Time! Made Up Viking Time!

Just when I think I can’t love the Vampire Diaries anymore  without my heart’s vagina exploding, they rewrite history as we know it and bring back Klaus’s extensions of old, only this time – they are sun-kissed. BEHOLD THEIR SPLENDOR:

Sorry. I’m back. I was off touching myself and thinking about the different products I want to massage into Klaus’s scalp, but I’m back now.

At the end of last week’s episode, we were busy staring at a cave painting that potentially held the secret to Klaus’s undoing, Stefan was locked in a basement dungeon, and Katherine was maybe dead at the hands of Michael – the Vampire who is also a Vampire Hunter. I picture Michael all posing at a bar going, “I don’t always drain the blood from my enemies for sport, but when I do – IT IS OTHER VAMPIRES.” Ha ha, oh that guy.

‘Ric, being a scholar of all things vampiric, hits a brick wall – or a cave wall perhaps? HA. – and can’t crack the ANCIENT VIKING PICTURE CODE IN THE LOCKWOODS UNDERGROUND CAVE. So naturally, he calls up a major university and contacts an expert on Viking lore who – ha ha ha, psych. He just brings Elena down into the cave and they talk about it.

With Elena’s doctorate being in an ancient languages, we quickly learn that the pictures on the wall tell the story of the original vampires, and Damon, no longer able to contain himself as to the insanity of suggesting that the vikings settled in Virginia, finally caves, goes totally meta and calls the cave painting, the werewolf diaries. HILARIOUS. HILARIOUS. SHOW. WHY ARE YOU SO AWESOME?

Elena decides to go straight to the source and simply ask Rebecca what the painting means. While ‘Ric begins carefully writing things like “witch” and “vampire” and “poop poop” on post- its and sticking those post-its to photographs of the cave painting. While ‘Ric is deluding himself into thinking he is being helpful, Damon goes to take a turn helping detox Stefan but gets bored with the plan so he takes Stefan out to a bar where Stefan feasts upon the bartender and Damon is all “Scotch scotch scotch” as is his wont.

Elena, after completing her doctoral dissertation decided to go into clinical psychology and so after sassing Rebecca and calling her out for caring what other people think despite the fact that she is MILLIONS OF YEARS OLD ESSENTIALLY (that is my idea of hell, just FYI, being so old and still giving two hoots) Rebecca caves and is like, “very well, I shall tell you my life’s story.” and I was all “Whaaaaat? Oh wait we are flashing back in time and THIS IS DELIGHTFUL.”

Turns out, the originals came to Virginia because a witch told them they would survive the plague if they did. Awesome. They lived side by side with the werewolves. CONTINUING TO BE AWESOME. Until stupid Klaus and his glorious locks of spun sugar gold decided not to retreat to an underground cave during the full moon but instead to just, ya know, chill above ground, thus damning his baby brother to death. This depressed Klaus, Elijah and Rebecca’s dad…..MICHAEL! GASP! SPIT YOUR CHEEZ-ITS ACROSS THE ROOM! CLUTCH YOUR PEARLS! SHIT JUST GOT REAL! BUT WAIT! KEEP YOUR CAPS LOCK ON BECAUSE IN ADDITION TO MICHAEL BEING THEIR DAD THE ORIGINAL WITCH IS THEIR MOM! AH! AND SHE TURNS THEM ALL INTO VAMPIRES TO PROTECT THEM FROM DEATH! BUT IT TURNS OUT SHE BANGED A WEREWOLF AND THAT IS WHY KLAUS HAS A RECESSIVE WEREWOLF GENE! AND FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS REBECCA HAS BELIEVED HER FATHER KILLED HER MOTHER IN A JEALOUS RAGE BUT IT TURNS OUT THAT ACTUALLY IT WAS KLAUS AND THAT ELENA WAS ABLE TO DEDUCE THIS BY APPLYING SCHOLARLY REASONING.

Yeah. Yeah. THAT. ALL OF THAT HAPPENED. Everything was explained basically and now there is a white-lady witch and she is the original witch. Then Rebecca drank scotch and cried in front of a roaring fire which is funny because that’s exactly what I was doing. Small world, right?

Stefan is still a giant box of tools, but when Michael threatens to pop Damon’s heart like a wet fart (my words, not his) he finds a way around the compulsion – which makes Elena – The wizard of academia – point out that when Stefan does return to himself, it will be for love of Damon, not for her. And then Elena and Damon basically spooned on her bed and I was all “Man, where did she get that duvet I wonder? And also – did Michael kill Katherine? Because that’s sad if it happened!” then I added another log to the fire, and poured scotch on my head.