Bones Has Never Cared Much For The Large, Southern

I’m sad to report that our editor refused to join me for this week’s episode of Bones but mainly because I totally forgot to ask to her to join me.

I’m NOT sad to report that this week’s episode was a bizarre fusion of all the good, the bad, and the ugly that everyone’s favorite televised drama about a forensic anthropologist with a rare, degenerative form of autism has to offer.

I don't know, he seems…murdery.

Do you guys remember the eater-feeder episode from a while back? Long story short, Booth’s grandpa may have gotten his freak on at a club for the large, and I was shocked past shocked back to shocked and then to entertained at how fat-phobic the writers of Bones are. It’s pretty much the most entertaining ever this season to watch them try to quell their horror of the large in the face of Emily Deschanel’s pregnant form. In a word, they do it, badly. Luckily for us, on Bones badly tends to mean, hilariously.

For example, this week as Bones attempted to understand why the FATHER OF HER CHILD WOULD BE UPSET THAT SHE DIDN’T INVITE HIM THE ULTRASOUND OF THEIR BABY NOR TO TELL HIM OF THE BABY’S GENDER she agreed to walk in his shoes which mainly involved her saying she wanted to get her sexin’ on then, charging like an unholy rhino and tackling a suspect. THIS PLEASED ME. Not as much as her loudly proclaiming the health of her mucus plug, but pleased me all the same.

The mystery itself was unremarkable except for the amount of dick suckin’ jokes the victim’s profession allowed for. Tina “The Python” was a competitive eater who could distend her jaw. Like a python. Or a fetish pornstar. There are loads of people who could have killed her, other professional eaters, her overly aggressive trainer, her overly aggressive husband, her overly aggressive manager – where to begin? We won’t. It was her manager who was pissed that she was quitting to have a baby and thus cutting his income in a pretty major way. Bones put on her headphones, listened to some lady singer from the Regina Spektor store, and solved the case, being jolly (when Tina’s python busted out of her remains whilst they were on the table in the Jeffersonian), sad (because the lady was pregnant) autistic (see above not understanding of Booth, life in general) and insightful in a savant way (seeing that clearly THE BEST ASSISTANT THEY HAVE EVER HAD, FINN WITH THE SOUTHERN ACCENT IS A GOOD THING.)

Yeah, so other than Bones being a moron, Booth getting all giddy about having a baby girl and then skipping away due to his fear of snakes like Indiana Jones before him, the real highlight of this episode was the introduction to newbie intern Finn. The writers would like me to say that the real highlight was Finn and Camille’s dynamic slash her fears that he might be a murderer – since the Jeffersonian’s record of hiring killers (Zach, Bones’s dad). Sadly, Camille, her hair, and her Chadwick’s wardrobe continued to irritate. In fact the scene where she asked Angela to run a background check on Finn may have made me scream with dislike at the screen.

Man, if I was Finn, poor, stupid, possibly British Finn, I would’ve quit for real, not just half quit and then get sassed by Bones. First off, the guy is from some part of the South that is so Southern West Virginia makes snarky comments. Secondly, the kid is fresh out of Juvey for assaulting his stepfather…who then went missing. So the whole episode was supposed to be all “SHIT IS FINN A MURDERER?” but really, you know he’s not, and you know he probably beat the tar out of his step-pappy for hurting his mom. Awwww, so that makes it all okay. But you can’t be worried the way the writers want you to be because the reason everyone finds out about this is that The Sassy DA Who Calls Everyone Cherie (Miss Jillian? Smuckers McFanny?) UNSEALS HIS RECORDS! Which is, you know, TOTALLY UNETHICAL! AND NOT FAIR! You spend the entire episode being all – THESE PEOPLE ARE DICKS!

I guess we’re not supposed to blame them – as mentioned previously, their interns all turn out to be in league with serial killers, murdered, or Daisy. This would’ve been an amazing angle to take – ‘can we ever trust another intern again?’ But instead, we just get the team at the Jeffersonian at their cattiest – and if there’s something I hate more than I hate Angela being all “Why do I bother, you’re a robot and I hate you’ to her best friend, it’s when Hodgins gets catty.

Talk about ideal Zach/Nigel Murray fallout potential! Hodgins is the dude who works the most with the interns, and he’s the one who always winds up getting burned – or buried alive as the case may be. Why not take this chance to have him respond to Camille’s “Be nice to Finn” speech with “I will never be nice to any of them again because then they murder or die and my fragile spirit can’t take it!” That didn’t happen. Instead it was all “OCCUPY THE JEFFERSONIAN” and Hodgins was the one percent and Finn was the 99 and it was a metaphor but now they are all buddies and calling each other sneering nicknames because Finn promises he didn’t kill anyone and more importantly managed to save the life of a python that Hodgins had grown fond of.