Rizzoli and Isles is Super Straight in the Mid-Season Premiere
By Alex Cranz
Rizzoli & Isles is back! And they are in the part of Boston where cameras wiggle and light flashes and people get killed in drive-by shootings with ENORMOUS Uzis.
Or maybe they’re in a police station, and by them I mean Rizzoli, a witness, and a what I can only hope is the third point in a Rizzisles triangle.
They’re busy prepping a witness for trial. Rizzoli tells him she’ll be there for him and he has nothing to worry about, and as the credits roll, I make a bet with my dog on how long that fella is going to live. Because he is not. He can’t. He’s too nice and perfect, and a boring “guy gives testimony” episode does not a mid-season premiere make.
The witness leaves, and Rizzoli bitches about the prosecutor… because she clearly wants her to usher Rizzoli into the sapphic sisterhood. What? I’m the only one seeing this?
Apparently yes. Rizzoli and Frost and Korsak have moved on to mocking Korsak’s wardrobe.
At the casa de Isles, Maura is concerned because Bass doesn’t have an appetite, and Ma Rizzoli is masturbating over Bill O’Reilly.
She hates his politics and watches him on mute. I’m a…I just…WHAT IS THIS?
Bill conveniently starts talking about the case Rizzoli has and wait… does this mean O’REILLY IS GUESTING ON RIZZOLI & ISLES? I blame Angie Harmon.
Speaking of the star of Baywatch Nights, she walks in, calls him B.O. then wins an Emmy by indicating she hates him, which is the opposite of true.
At the police station the next day, Rizzoli expresses concern over her mother’s crush. Then Dharma’s dad returns, and there’d better be a callback to this scene of him and donuts, or we’ll have wasted thirty seconds that could have been spent on eye sex.
CALLED IT. The witness? He is dead.
They start investigating, and Rizzoli’s new girlfriend comes in and gets angry with Rizzoli. Maura is confused by someone having sexual tension with Rizzoli that isn’t her. I know, Maura. I know.
Rizzoli heads to the hotel, where the cop she assigned is proved innocent of any wrong-doing, though he mentions being from the same “project.” Suspicion. Raised.
Back at the station, Rizzoli seeks out Isles, who sets into the best Rizzoli impression I’ve seen in a while. Then they have eye-sex while talking about the DA, whom Maura likes. No, Maura, don’t like your competition!
Then Ma Rizzoli begs them to take her to an O’Reilly book signing… so she can bang O’Reilly. Maura agrees, because Maura is the devil, and making bad choices is her thing, this episode.
She and Rizzoli then get to autopsying the dead witness, finding bug parts in his shoes. Maura gets so excited that she talks to the bug parts. It’s that, or realize they’re taking a very dumb plot device from the CSI playbook.
At the courthouse, Rizzoli and Korsak are sitting up front with the prosecutor. Um. From my knowledge of law gleaned from The Good Wife, this seems improbable. But it does allow for Rizzoli and the suspect to yell at each other. And also Korsak may be held in contempt because he has an informant he can’t/won’t produce. Ruh roh.
Frost suspects it’s because the informant doesn’t exist and that Korsak created him to frame the suspect. Down in the morgue, Frankie suspects the same, and Jane tells him to shut his pie hole. Then they realize their witness was killed not long after dinner, AND he had great breath. Useful.
You know, because he was also getting calls from a lady, and that, coupled with the mint he had, means he was getting some.
God bless these extraordinary leaps of logic.
Rizzoli and Frost head out to speak with said lady, who denies knowing their dead witness and has a baby named Destiny… who is the dead witness’s daughter. Cue tears from the secret lover, who joined with her boyfriend to give their child a pretty terrible name.*
At the O’Reilly book-signing, Ma Rizzoli flashes Maura’s badge and Maura then decides to use her power as the Chief Medical Examiner to get close to O’Reilly, and now we are having them talk to O’Reilly and he is unapologetically a dick and thus kind of ingratiating. Then Ma Rizzoli sets up an interview between Jane and O’Reilly.
Before Jane can realize what she did, Korsak starts shouting and Rizzoli steps in and watches him throw down with his boss and the DA. And by throw down, I mean Korsak gives up his badge, because he won’t produce his informant. That happened.
Bill O’Reilly, ever the stalwart journalist, now rips into Korsak and the Boston PD. Rizzoli is pissed and so is Korsak – only from alcohol, not good liberal rage. Rizzoli begs him to let her help and he refuses so she goes back to the station to see if she can find his informant’s name.
Then she and Frost follow up, and find that the informant(?) is either the dead witness’s girlfriend, or her baby. I am banking on the baby.
Sadly, it is the lady and not the baby, and the next morning, she tells Korsak she’s helping because Korsak and her boyfriend are/were awesome.
With the case essentially fixed, Rizzoli turns to irritating Dharma’s dad, and fighting Bill O’Reilly while her mother watches.
Maura interjects to condemn O’Reilly for being mean to Barnie Frank. Appropriate after Frank’s announcement on Monday.
He ignores her and begs Rizzoli to come on his show.
Down in the lab, Maura proudly tells Jane that the dead witness’s shoes were in a park. Rizzoli gets adorably irritated, because of course, that also means the witness was in the park and Maura is a jerk.
They go to the park, find a crime scene, and Maura realizes she knows who the murderer is. I do too and now I’m sad because the murderer had great eye sex with Rizzoli.
They confront the DA and lo and behold, she was involved in a years-long conspiracy that would put her (loyal to bad guys) in charge of the DA’s office. I wish that had happened. Would have been great as a season-long arc, them battling an evil DA with great sexy tension. DAMN YOU Maura! (She’s to blame for this arrest.)
Post throw-down with the DA, Ma Rizzoli makes a pass at Korsak, calling herself a badge bunny, and Jane blames Maura because Maura is the episode’s official whipping girl. Then they stare longing into each other’s eyes while Bill O’Reilly talks on the tv.
- So guys, Bill O’Reilly guest-starred on Rizzoli & Isles. All the characters hated him but found him super hot and then realized he was actually quite nice despite his politics. That. Really. Happened.
- Also, now that the creepy serial killer guy is dead by Jane’s hands, can the evil-but-awesome DA be the serial bad guy they have to go up against? I loved her.
- But seriously. Bill O’Reilly?!?!?!
- The appearance of the O’Reilly (and the child of the O’Reilly) coincided with a major drop in sexy Rizzisles eye sex. This makes O’Reilly a true monster.
- But Maura’s face when O’Reilly showed up to beg Rizzoli to appear on his show? Amusing.
- I made it through this whole recap without referencing The Wire, even though I think the show really wanted me to reference it.
- Did this episode strike anyone else as vaguely racist? Just me.
- So, like a liberal in Texas, Angie Harmon is a rare flower, in that she’s a conservative in Hollywood. Seeing as it is her and Dennis Hopper’s ghost she’s practically on par with unicorns in the rarity department. While it should be no surprise that she’d have O’Reilly on her wildly successful show and he’d be magically awesome, it was, in fact, surprising.
*Apologies if your name is Destiny.