Classic Recap: Blind Faith

Woah this music is funky. I feel like I should be looking for some lesbionic vampires. Gabrielle and Xena aren’t doing that. Xena wants food and Gabrielle wants to haggle for no other reason then she can. They part and some ugly dude stares at Gabrielle. She goes to a cart and haggles for an ugly ass scarf. Man she’s a jerk about this. She plays with her scarf and wonders around some more. Then the guys attack. She does a nice job fighting them, but finally some scarred dude grabs her.

Xena finishes her meal and heads off in search of Gabrielle. She finds Gabrielle’s staff and the scarred guy appears and tells her Gabrielle is dead. Man she looks pissed and hurt and PISSED.

TITLES. The music in this episode is too much. Someone tell the editor or director or whoever to settle.

Xena and scarred guy fight. For a pissed lady she kind of enjoys herself. Then the dude starts shooting his mouth off and Xena stops being pissed. Nice how the fight kind of changes pacing and tone after he shoots his mouth off. Aw. Stunt double lacks a fauxhawk! Xena must be surprised too because she stabs a bladder and gets oil in her eyes. She still knocks the guy down and demands to know where Gabrielle is. He refuses. He wants to fight her to the death and be remembered. She puts the pinch on him and he just sits there and likes it. Xena doesn’t have her bluff called very often. She takes the pinch off and manages to stay poised when he starts laughing. Oh and his name is Palaemon.

Xena gets all Roman on his ass and ties him to a railroad tie. He’s coming with her until she finds Gabrielle.

Oh and the oil that got in Xena’s eyes has sumac in it. Or something.

They start walking and Xena trips. Palaemon tries to talk to her. She has no time for him until he tells her that he sold Gabrielle. Slavery and Gabrielle. Xena’s most hated and most favorite things!

Gabrielle arrives in a palace with her portrait everywhere. An adviser tells her she’s to be queen and the king is a well hung dude. Man. This feels like we missed a scene. She’s sent off to a room, the adviser sends people out to kill Xena, and this dude Vidalus shows up to class Gabrielle up.

The guys the adviser sent show up to kill Xena. She and Palaemon kick much ass, but it isn’t that awesome because this fight is shot very poorly. The bad guys all run away and Palaemon starts to attack Xena. Then he realizes she’s blind. Well that’s no fun. He can’t kill a blind woman. Xena’s still good enough to blindly chain him to her. He’ll work as her eyes and body shield. As Muldoon used to say before a raptor ate his face, “Clever girl.”

Back at the palace Gabrielle has constructed a ladder of sheets, but she’s caught before she can escape. Vidalus gets all kinds of rude about Gabrielle’s poise, grace and body type. He’s gonna learn her to be a queen. I guess Amazon queen doesn’t count? Probably not because EVERYONE calls her a “simple peasant girl.” Even Xena. Who is on the road with Palaemon. If Xena doesn’t get the antidote she’ll be blind in a day. She’s choosing to save Gabrielle instead of going the other way and getting the antidote. Palaemon is also really impressed with Xena’s hardcore affection for Gabrielle.

So Gabrielle’s been gussied up in an absolutely awful outfit and hair style and if she doesn’t show off her new do the adviser will kill her and Vidalus. The only good part of the outfit is that cleavage window. Cleavage windows are always important. The nobility of the kingdom are all quite impressed with her. Sorry I paused to do some stuff and came back and all I saw was BOOBS. Stuff happens in this scene I’m sure. Stuff happens in the next scene too. Like the adviser turns out to be evil and is having an awesome coffin made for Gabrielle.

Blind!Xena and Palaemon make a break for some woods and get caught on a cliff. Palaemon does all the work while Xena just hangs around. Finally she decides to sacrifice herself. But she doesn’t die because she’s XENA. Blind Warrior Princess who makes really odd faces when blind and falling. Xena agrees to fight Palaemon when she’s better and he agrees to help save her and Gabrielle.

MORE BOOBS. Did Vidalus create the WonderBra two millenniums early? Good lord. Vidalus continues to train Gabrielle who is all feisty and irritated. Then she talks about being in love. Did she say “them” or “him?” THIS IS IMPORTANT! I’m sure she’s supposed to be talking about Deadicas but I choose to believe she’s talking about prehistoric Daredevil who is currently getting hella pissed with Palaemon because he’s all impressed with her past. She’s quite horrified by it and the way she says “those aren’t pleasant memories” is wonderful. How far she’s come–both Xena and the actress playing her.

Gabrielle finally meets the king, otherwise known as Bernie. Gabrielle continues her tradition of loving and/or marrying dudes destined to die early. She’s like an accidental black widow. Turns out the kingdom has some crazy law that requires Gabrielle to marry Bernie and then die so the adviser can take the kingdom. And we complain about our lawmakers in America…

Palaemon and Blind!Xena are carefully climbing up the side of the palace. HOW CAN NO ONE SEE THEM? THEY ARE RIGHT THERE! But no one does. Xena blindly throws her chakram to create a distraction, then catches it about a centimeter from Palaemon’s face—Daredevil style! They’re in!

I just noticed, the Xena-Hercules universe is fond of hairy chested dudes. Good for them!

Xena makes fun of Palaemon because he doesn’t have friends. Also she says she’d do ANYTHING for Gabrielle. Including be blinded for the rest of her life! Maybe blind Xena won’t be so heavy-handed with the powder and eyeshadow. Jeeze this is Crusher season 7 level eye shadow Xena is rocking.

So Gabrielle marries Bernie. Now she’s the queen of the Amazons AND some place with shitty shitty laws. The people of this kingdom all fail to notice the dead king. The adviser pours wine on Gabrielle’s well lit cleavage. That was on purpose me thinks. At least it wasn’t milk. That would have been hilarious AND inappropriate. The wet cleavage continuity is so good it scares me. Someone was in charge of that you know.

Gabrielle and Bernie get sealed in their coffins. Gabrielle’s likeness is inaccurate…except for the bangs which would normally be quite accurate.

Palaemon and Xena keep looking for Gabrielle. The adviser gets to cremating Bernie and Gabrielle at once. Why did he not kill Gabrielle? That’s unnecessarily cruel man.

Vidalus finds Xena, er she finds him. He’s tied up. He takes them to the crematorium. On the way they fight guards. Xena blindly twirls her sword and then runs in to kill the adviser. He quickly sorts out that she’s blind because it’s really fucking obvious. Stuff happens. More fighting. Vidalus whacks a dude on the head. Gabrielle fails at escaping her coffin (I blame the hair). Palaemon is all manly. Xena punches people because she dropped her sword. She hears Gabrielle all faint like and saves her. I don’t think Gabrielle could hear her though.

Did Vidalus just kill the adviser with a torch?

Xena opens the coffin to find smoked Gabrielle. Wonderful with BBQ sauce. She says her name A LOT. Gabrielle cries (I told you she cries a lot!). Xena looks all blind and earnest. Vidalus realizes he has the cure in his garden. Yea for home gardeners! Gabrielle pours a fuck ton of water into Xena’s eyes. Then sponges her. THE MAKEUP IS UNAFFECTED. Shit is tattooed on or something.

I’m cursing a lot. Sorry.

Xena can see again and the first thing she sees is slightly constipated Gabrielle. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaw. Now Palaemon is ready to fight. Psych! He learned from her and wants to be a good guy now. Vidalus, who is clearly gay, decides to follow him so he can eventually sleep with him. Gabrielle kind of suggests that that’s why she follows Xena. Xena curtesies. END

How this episode makes historians weep

I hope to god such inane laws are not part of the historical record. It’s too odd to be.

Sumac CAN cause blindness.

Egyptian Senna is actually a laxative and thus probably not an antidote. Yikes!

Superhuman Feats

• Kicks all kind of ass while blind.
• Insane catching of her chakram WHILE BLIND.

Where it stands in the series

Gabrielle maybe told Vidalus she loves Xena?

Xena maybe intimated she feels the same when chatting with Palaemon?

The continuity of the episode was all about how these two ladies feel about each other. Certainly wasn’t about Gabrielle’s tendency to be made a queen. Not even a mention of her little Amazon kingdom.

Disclaimer

Once again, Gabrielle’s luck with men was harmed during the making of this motion picture.

Rating ***

The writing is totally two star material. The adviser becomes king if the king is married but he and his wife both die? Twenty minutes talking about peasant Gabrielle despite her definitely being a queen? Random blindness? It’s weak. But Jeremy Callaghan as Palaemon is charismatic as hell and earnest without being irritating. He’s so good in what should have been a wildly irritating episode that I have to uprate it.

And maybe I have to uprate it for all the Xena and Gabrielle love. I AM a romantic after all.

I can definitely tell you that it isn’t getting uprated for Lawless playing a blind woman. While she’s an amazing actress and has some notable line reading this episode she cannot play blind. Opening your eyes wide and keeping your mouth open all the time isn’t blind. Thankfully O’Connor is a trooper in a TERRIBLE role. She’s given awful comedy but damned if she doesn’t make it shine. She can even make shitty comedy kind of fun.

Coming Soon

Episode 19, Ulysses.

Xena vs. The Odyssey. It’s confusing as hell especially in light of the last few episodes.