The One Where Caroline Insists On Having A Funeral For Herself

Forever 17. It's Like Forever 21 But Worse.

The Vampire Diaries! You saucy bitch! Last week they gave us a little over-the-bra-action-by-proxy finally helping Damon (usually fearless but a true ball-less wonder where Elena is concerned) sack up and smooch that girl. This week, knowing full well that there were important things like “plot” to move “forward” and less time for providing “masturbatory” material for us at home, and that the odds of further make-outs were slim, they threw us a proverbial bone (more like lady-boner) and gave us a cold open of Damon showering (DAMN YOU STRATEGICALLY PLACED BOWL OF POTPOURRI)  all whimsically.

This was pleasant, that I cannot deny. But strangely it was much more pleasant watching Elena trying to be tough and strong and kick a punching bag. VAMPIRE DIARIES. ELENA IS A DELICATE FLOWER. PLEASE STOP MAKING HER HIT THINGS. Okay. I’m done. In fact, they almost made up for yet again trying to make us believe Elena was a super athlete by having her awkwardly inform Alaric that she was in fact punching the bag in question because she was sexually frustrated. Ha ha ha. Awkward.

Meanwhile, Damon was fannying about the Salvatore manse singing the highlights of West Side Story when Stefan all showed up and was all “I am SUSPICIOUS,” but Damon did not give a fuck because he is s secretly a lady and nothing makes him happier than dryly kissing Elena and also brushing his hair a hundred times before he goes to sleep.

In the witch house, Bonnie was going ten kind of bananas on The Top Secret Coffin From Her Dreams convinced it houses what is needed to kill Klaus. When chopping at it with household tools fails, she tries to do a closed-eye-spell-of-concentration to get it to open. When this doesn’t work she throws a hissy and all of the ghosts of Jasmine Guy make the coffins vanish. But Bonnie doesn’t have time to stick out  her bottom lip and have feelings about this because Klaus has hybrids looking for his coffin family! And one is in the witch house! But don’t fret – the brothers Salvatore (having finished a rousing duet of “A Boy Like That/I Have A Love”) are on the case! Witch house! And Damon rips out the hybrid’s heart before warning Stefan not to be reckless. Stefan continues to stare at Damon in a doughy manner and nothing is resolved.

Did you forget the rest of the gang went to high school still? Ha ha. They are in the seventeenth grade I think. And also when is homework completed? Everyone needs to spend less time staring at the person they have genital feelings for on Elena’s porch and maybe learn some civics. But there is no time for civics now! Not when it is Caroline’s birthday. Awww, sad though because she is dead and will never be eighteen. Let us change her name to Becca’s Favorite Caroline Who Is Statutory Bait And Also A Vampire But Awesome. All of her friends are decorating her locker! I was jealous of kids who this happened to because my birthday is in July. PITY ME.

But Caroline’s birthday is not off to a good start. Tyler The Jackass Who Cannot Shake His Sire Bond To Klaus is all, “Hai Gerl!” and gives her a charm bracelet and Caroline has to be all “We have to break up because in addition to being a hybrid bringing out your dickishness, I cannot do a guy who would rather do Joseph Morgan – even though I totally get it- HE FINE GERL!” Sad music plays. I quietly sing, “High school is such a serious time, these prrrooooblems maaaatter,” courtesy of Family Guy.

Obviously Caroline skips school and all three of her friends, The Witch, Captain Slackjaw and Matt, show up at her house with a piece of paper that says Happy Birthday! Ha ha, Caroline judges. I am still laughing because Matt has no reason to be hanging around these people and it’s awkward that he’s there. And now Caroline explains that since she is dead she doesn’t want to have a party, WHICH IS TOTALLY VALID, and the teen girls are all, “Awww, but…birthday?” because if we have learned nothing else about these kids it’s that because of all the horrible shit that happens to them on a daily basis they have almost no skills in terms of comforting each other. Exhibit the time Caroline was abducted and tortured and how the gang was all “…sleepover?”

Elena tries to save the day by taking them to a mausoleum to pull an Empire Records and throw a funeral for Caroline in order to help her realize her sense of worth and accept the new beginning that is being immortal and having to watch everyone you love die and the world change. It’s okay I guess, but then they drink some tequila and Bonnie is mad that Elena compelled Jeremy to go to Denver. I should care more about this, but instead am simply concerned that Bonnie will attempt to stop him from leaving. PLEASE JEREMY. GO TO DENVER.

Meanwhile, Klaus is having a shitty day. Having re-killed Rebecca, and tried to threaten Stefan, none of it is is working. Now he has to deal with Tyler acting all pissy because Klaus – in a bid to get Stefan and Elena and Company to reveal where his coffin family is – ordered him to bite Caroline. Tyler’s all “NO!” and huffs away, but you guys, clearly he is going to bite her, which will kill her. Sigh. Then Stefan is all, “BRING IT KLAUS,” and Klaus is all “I JUST WANT MY FAMILY BACK” because he is now Harrison Ford and Stefan is all “KILL THIS HYBRID FOR NO REASON!” and Klaus is all “THAT IS INCONVENIENT STEFAN” and Stefan is all “WATCH ME,” and storms out while Klaus goes, “That. Doesn’t. Even MAKE SENSE IN THIS CONTEXT.” So he’s mad.

He’s so mad that he goes to some stupid Save The Bridge That Killed Elena’s Parents Founder’s party which as we all know is merely a cover for a council meeting. Alaric hates council meetings. But he loves the sexy Dr. Foul (I know that’s not how you spell it, but frankly TVD, you did this. You did this the minute you named a character after a bird and also a synonym for gross) Dr. Foul is all “This town is run by vampires,” so now she and Alaric have something in common. Sexy. And she breaks up with her boyfriend. And he lays hands upon her! And Alaric is like, “No!” and he gets sassed by the boyfriend and warned about Dr. Foul’s insanity. This makes Alaric want her all the more. Because his taste in women is awful – exhibit Vampire Wife and Also Aunt Jenna. But the meeting’s only just begun to be awful! Because Klaus has sex-eyed Priscilla Presley (….by asking her what color her eyes are…I mean, I know Joseph Morgan is good-looking, but is he so good-looking he’s like Jon Hamm’s character on 30 Rock and has no other skills to speak of? Not even talking to women effectively?) into making the Salvatores promise not to kill anymore hybrids so long as Klaus doesn’t kill anyone else. It’s stupid and I hate it. So does Stefan. He is so crazy it’s like there are fire ants on his bottom. Damon makes him leave the house – he wants Stefan to play by the rules! “It’s like a role reversal!” I yelled into my second serving of New York Super Fudge Chunk.

Meanwhile back in the mausoleum Bonnie has gone home to be angry, and Matt and Elena are drunk and waiting for Caroline to come back from her chat session with a repentant Tyler. Only wait. Tyler bit her and now she is dying. IF YOU KILL CAROLINE SHOW I WILL KILL YOU. I may have spontaneously burst into tears at this point? Because of my intense love for Caroline and how nothing ever seems to go her way? And how that just doesn’t seem fair? And also I identify with her? WHATEVER.

Matt, proving that he isn’t totally useless, brings Caroline home and Caroline’s Mom Sheriff is all “AAHHHH!” and then Matt is like “AHHHH!” and then they squeal and run around and Caroline  realizes what a waste her time on earth has been. “Happy birthday to me,” she says quietly.

Just when shit can’t get worse and when we are the most riveted by what is going on with Caroline we are forced to watch more Elena and Stefan shit that I just do not care about. Stefan. You bore me. Your doughy rebellion bores me. Stop showing up and being awful and then being like “Move on Elena,” because all it does is show YOU haven’t moved on. Word. I just sassed a fictional character on the internet.  But Stefan didn’t listen to me. Instead, he used Elena to call off Klaus and his evilness. He did this by threatening to drive Elena off a bridge and kill her thus cutting Klaus off from the supply of blood needed to make hybrids. This was so mean. And so bad. And yes, it worked and Klaus accepted the defeat, but it also basically caused Elena to have a nervous breakdown. Being nearly thrown off a bridge that you have been THROWN OFF BEFORE AND BEEN THE ONLY SURVIVOR WILL DO THAT TO YOU. Elena and Stefan had their Sammi and Ronnie moment, proclaimed themselves down and sauntered off into opposite directions. Meanwhile Damon comforted Elena but no sex was had. I wept my spinster’s tears and hugged myself.

But then the most interesting part of this episode happened and it featured my girlfriend Caroline. So who shows up to save her life? EFFIN’ KLAUS. And he gives, basically the best speech ever, promising he won’t kill  her – especially not on her birthday – and he tells her, when she waxes suicidal, that the world is hers and she must continue to exist. And it’s really captivating and very well acted but I was a little distracted because it looks like Joseph Morgan needs to put some product on his luscious lips because they were pretty dry. And then he flicks her charm bracelet (sexual) and basically belittles her shitty now ex boyfriend. And then, he gives her his blood you guys! WHICH MEANS THAT SHE WILL NOW OWE HIM! When Caroline wakes up later, there is a jewelry box there with a stunning bracelet in it (take THAT dinky charm bracelet) from Klaus. Because now she is totally his new Rebecca but possibly with more banging? A girl can dream.

Also Dr. Foul’s ex was found dead, but I didn’t care about that.