The One Where We Learn Bonnie’s Mom Is The Star of TV’S ‘Girlfriends’

ding dong witch.

Guess what, you guys? Bonnie has had yet another (magical witch?) dream about Klaus’s spooky-ass locked coffin – which is coincidentally the name of the band Bonnie is starting. I will play the zither.

In this dream, she is first in a graveyard and then trapped in said spooky-ass locked coffin and when she finally achieves sweet release she sees that her savior is none other than the hilariously named Persia White, star of TV’s Girlfriends! Bonnie is all “Persia White?” and then Persia White is like, “I know! I am guest starring as your absentee mother! You should come and find meeeee because I can help with the locked coooffffffin!” And then Bonnie wrinkled her nose and was all, “Why are you talking that way?” and Persia White was like “this show is supernatural and you are having a dream and I have in exactly two episodes of Buffy as an unnamed character so really my grasp on the style of acting I should be doing here is not so good,” and then Bonnie is all “That’s fair.” Then Bonnie wakes up and tottles over to let Stefan and then Damon and also Elena that she has to find the mother who abandoned her in order to open the mysterious fourth coffin. Elena is all “Awwww, sad! And difficult! Seeing your mom who abandoned you!” and Bonnie is all “Whatever, I don’t even care,” and then everyone rolls their eyes because, seriously Bonnie? Seriously? You fool no one. Then Damon loudly announces to Bonnie that he has kissed Elena and everything is weird now. I continue to believe Damon might be mildly autistic – like a more violent, more dreamy version of Rain Man.

Meanwhile across town, Caroline is making terrible choices. Terrible! KLAUS! STOP ALL OF THIS MADNESS. But then he didn’t. Anyway, after biting her neck and nearly killing her, stupid Tyler who I am quite peeved with shows up and is all “Caroline. It’s fine. I love you. And to prove it, I have asked your Evil and Also Gay Father Who Can’t Seem To Ever Accept You to cure me of my sire compulsion to Klaus through the power of human brain strength!” and how does Caroline respond – “Very well. There is no way this could ever go wrong.” Classic. And irritating.

Meanwhile Klaus keeps randomly appearing, just hell of skulking around whining at Stefan and not being nearly as overtly malicious as I would like. But I get it. It’s not easy being so sexy all the time. He needs to take breaks and pretend to be intimidated by Stefan’s hare-brained scheme to continue withholding the coffins.

Alaric is still all about Dr. The Worst. He is all, “she may be crazy though” because of how Damon, in a hilarious moment of being someone’s wing man, went to the hospital to make sure that Dr. The Worst did not kill her ex-boyfriend, was then knocked out and used for his blood. But it turns out that she isn’t evil maybe! Just stupid! And not that good of a doctor! So when he patients are about to die she heals them with vampire blood! Ha ha ha. Where did she intern – the hospital from Grey’s Anatomy?  That’s right. I just roasted Grey’s. AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

With that mystery essentially solved, let us join Bonnie and Elena on a roadtrip to see Persia White. That’s right, they are going on a road trip to procure illegal narcotics. I kid. They are going to see Bonnie’s mom. And also Stefan keeps calling because of the time crunch with Klaus and Elena, being all mad about having been kidnapped by him lies and says they are at the lake house so that Bonnie can Address Serious Issues With The Mom Who Abandoned Her. Bonnie rolls her eyes. She has no feelings.

Until she meets her mom! And her hot adopted stepbrother! Then she is all jutting lower jaw and big baleful eyes. I like they made Persia White be all “Vampires. Clearly. I am a witch, and I am the one who entombed Michael and then I ran away and I lost all of my magic….FOR ABANDONING YOU.” Bonnie was all “Also your mother Jasmine Guy is dead.” It was tough.

Elena really wanted to stay inside and sip cocoa and touch herself as this scene played out because other people’s drama is her porn, but since this is the CW she saunted outside to a barn and Stefan appeared. Because he followed them. They scowl at each other and say things and then Bonnie’s hot stepbrother shoots Stefan! Something is happening! Drama! Bonnie tries to run and help when she hears the shot but then Persia White stops her using the power of herbs.

Back in Mystic Falls, the town where I was born, Caroline’s Evil and Also Gay Dad tells Tyler that if he can teach himself to shift without pain he will no longer feel indebted to Klaus. Caroline scuttles out of the room and then the chains break and Tyler nearly kills CEAGD who is then saved by Dr. The Worst and also Damon’s Salvatore’s blood. WHAT A POINTED TWIST YOU MAKE JULIE PLEC. Then, Tyler skulks over to the hospital and CEAGA is all “it’s cool, we’ll go again” and I’m all “D’aaaaw, a touching father son moment…that’s weird.”

Shit is getting real up at Persia White’s place! Turns out that the hybrid – at Klaus’s bidding, natch – has compelled Hot Adopted Stepbrother to kill himself if Bonnie doesn’t help Persia White find the coffins! But this ain’t Elena’s first time at the rodeo. She escapes, disables HAS and then helps save Stefan and then also tells she enjoyed smooch terms with Damon. Stefan is clearly upset by this as it makes him admit that maybe he should not have kidnapped her. Things are not okay there, you guys – so not okay! What needs to happen is Damon needs to go mourn about this while Damon and Elena bang.

But that didn’t happen. Instead when Persia White helped save the day a little, Damon went home to drink and Stefan punched him in the face. It was all terribly Legends of the Fall. But then it was better than Legends of the Fall because instead of an agonizing amount of film made enjoyable only by Brad Pitt’s exposed left butt check for all of thirty seconds, instead we get Damon sassily revealing that he has brought Elijah back to life. The Oh Shit look on Klaus’s face made me cackle like a goon. Elijah is the best. His hair is floppy. End of recap.