The One Where Xena Rescues Virgins From Love Arrows
By Alex Cranz
Holy hell Cupid has horrible hair. Like he’s trying to be a ginger but just can’t escape his blond roots. His son? Adorable. Cupid tries to get him to sleep so he can bang his wife. Certain he’s manipulated his son, Bliss, into behaving he goes off for loving. Bliss flies over to his arsenal of love bows and heads off to do some mischief.
Down on earth Hestian virgins are doing their virgin thing with a bunch of doves? Xena and Gabrielle are on hand because they’re certain Draco is going to try to steal the virgins. Gabrielle makes a terrible pass at Xena. I’m pretty sure she was trying to get Xena to help her with her chastity problem. But whatever.
They walk through town while Bliss gets busy making people fall in love with each other…and cows.
I love how Hestian virgins are having, like, a convention. Joxer arrives because he likes Xena. Then Draco arrives and Xena gets hit with an arrow and immediately starts making out with him.
Gabrielle and Joxer, both with mighty crushes, look on in shock.
TITLES. SO MUCH TONGUE ACTION.
Draco is all out of breath from the macking. Xena may be in love with him now, but that doesn’t mean she’ll let him steal all the virgins. On the sidelines Gabrielle chooses to think it’s all part of a big plan. Draco and Xena fight. I think I missed something just then. Draco runs through one of his own dudes. What a jerk. Xena? Getting super turned on. Draco threatens Xena so she pops him in the mouth and he rides away. Draco, not a way to impress your troops.
Xena clutches her bosom and watches him ride away. Gabrielle? DISTURBED. They go out to the forest where Xena creates and works with a speed bag to get over her lust. Joxer is delighted by this turn of events and suggests a dip in a cold pond. Xena works out a new plan. Turn Draco good. No one believes that will work but Xena.
Back at Draco’s camp an aide with an uneven headdress asks about Xena.
Over in town people are busy being in love with the wrong people while Joxer and Gabrielle worry over Xena’s new love.
Draco is taking a bath and washing his mighty man chest. He gets out and finds Xena watching him while eating a banana. Man. Dude has nice shoulders. Xena asks him to ride with her and save lives. Draco is amused, and rejects the idea and sounds like a Ferengi. Sorry, mentioning “profit” always makes me see Ferengi. I am a true nerd.
Outside the Chastity Convention Gabrielle and Joxer stand watch. Then Joxer gets caught and Gabrielle has to surrender to save him. She just sacrificed all the virgins for Joxer? TERRIBLE PRIORITIES GABRIELLE.
Ooooh the only virgin we’ve seen is actually Xena in disguise. Makes sense now. Xena’s taken all the virgins’ robes and hidden them among the villagers. Which apparently makes it harder to capture them? Draco just take the town.
They come outside and find Gabrielle and Joxer tied up. Draco’s so great with that “at least I didn’t kill them.” Gabrielle gets hit by an arrow and it looks for all the world like she’ll see Xena and fall in love, but she sees Joxer first and sets to getting handsy with him. Joxer, who’s never liked Gabrielle, is concerned.
Out in the woods we’re made to think Xena and Draco have had sex. Psyche! They’re arm wrestling.
In town we’re again made to thing Joxer tapped Gabrielle. Nope he’s been singing his song for her. Now they’re singing together. Yeah, Renee O’Connor really can’t sing.
More inter-cut seductions. Xena gets freaked out by Draco’s penis and runs away. Joxer gets freaked out by super forward Gabrielle. What was that noise? Was that the noise of Joxer getting wood? Joxer sends Gabrielle to find water. She finds Xena submerged in the pond. Xena realizes Gabrielle is in love with Joxer. Which means something is VERY AWRY. Xena lusting after Draco? Believable. But Gabrielle wanting Joxer? ALL WRONG.
The ladies get into a fight over their less then awesome men.
Draco uses the chance to grab all the virgins. Wait they changed clothes but kept their headdresses? IDIOT VIRGINS.
Draco gets hit by an arrow and falls for Gabrielle. Who tells him Xena loves him. Xena getting rejected by both Draco and Gabrielle? TOO MUCH. Something is wrong and it’s up to Xena to figure out what. But first? Fighting interlude! Joxer tries to protect Gabrielle. Xena takes everyone into the temple. When did the virgins get the rest of their outfits back? In all the fighting Joxer gets caught outside and captured by Draco. Xena looks away and then sees that Gabrielle’s run outside and been caught as well.
At Draco’s camp Draco makes more passes at Gabrielle. This is the second episode in a row Gabrielle’s had to avoid sex with creepy dudes. She even busts out the widow card! Oh Gabrielle. No. That’s too far even for you. Poor taste. She then accidentally tells Draco she loves Joxer. He goes off to do some Joxer slaying. Gabrielle tries to look genuinely upset but doesn’t really sell it.
Elsewhere Joxer tries to break out of his ropes. He thinks he’s done it but Xena appears. Joxer has gotten all manly since he’s fallen for Gabrielle. They try to figure out who’s spreading the love. They suspect Aphrodite, but it’s too chaotic. Draco comes in and Xena beans him. Them calls him sweetie, and cute. Yikes.
Xena then goes to save Gabrielle who nearly beans her. Xena is disgusted by Gabrielle’s new love.
Back at the temple Draco arrives under a white flag. He and Xena try to talk, but then he mentions Gabrielle and Xena gets all jealous. Then they both talk like they’re BOTH in love with Gabrielle? POORLY WORDED EXCHANGE. Xena finally gives up the virgins. Wait. What? Draco’s at least nice enough to tell his men no raping.
Some random manly dude rides in and says hello to Draco. He’s a slave dealer or something. And is expecting an Amazon Princess in the sale he’s arranged with Draco. So Draco will have to sell Gabrielle if he wants to go through with the deal. Gabrielle’s rocking her Amazon outfit. A+++ Would watch again.
A fight between Draco and the slave dealer breaks out and Gabrielle runs off with the virgins. Bliss arrives and starts pelting chicks with arrows.
More fighting. Xena saves Draco. Back in the caves the virgins have all gone man crazy and Draco’s men now have to run from them. They all head back to the temple. Love Xena’s little skip running into the temple.
Now with the doors and people racing through them.
Joxer arrives with some mysterious dude.
Xena corners Draco and tells him that they’re all under the influence of Cupid’s arrows. Xena makes one final appeal. Draco must change his ways or never earn Gabrielle’s love.
At the center of the temple Gabrielle and Joxer are reunited. There is much smooching. Cupid arrives and sends Bliss home. Then runs into Xena. MAD sexual tension also jokes about the nature of love.
Cupid, in thanks for finding Bliss, helps Xena set things right. We find out Joxer’s love is earned. And Xena asks him to avoid fixing Draco, who has decided to turn good. Gabrielle? Still not feeling the love.
Poor Joxer realizes Gabrielle doesn’t love him. It’s reinforced that night at the campfire where Gabrielle has flirty conversations with Xena over Joxer’s head. Aw. Poor Joxer. Xena, though, she recognizes how he feels and the heads off to sleep with Gabrielle? DIRECTOR DON’T SEND HER THE SAME DIRECTION.
How this episode makes historians weep
Cupid’s wife at the beginning is Psyche. He should probably be called Eros, but I think I covered that in For Him the Bell Tolls.
They did NOT have a son named Bliss. They did, in some stories, have a child named Hedone/Voluptas. She was one of the Three Graces and was the goddess of sensual pleasures…or bliss. So if you ever want to pray during an orgasm you now know who to offer prayer to.
Hestian Virgins? A fabrication of the show. Hestia required no temple because the hearth of the Greco Roman home was her alter. The heads of the households her priests/priestesses.
- Overcomes love to save the day.
- Overcomes lust to save the day.
- Orders a god around.
- Invents the speed bag.
Where it stands in the series
This is the fourth appearance of Karl Urban. This time reprising his third character, Cupid.
This is the second appearance of Draco and the introduction of his love for Gabrielle.
But really this episode is memorable for finalizing the tune for Joxer’s song and creating Joxer’s unrequited love for Gabrielle. Previously he had no time for her. After this he will all out PINE for her. Gabrielle, being a cold-hearted bitch, will remain unaffected and actually sometimes enjoy having him as her safety.
There’s a reference to Perdicas. A POOR TASTE REFERENCE.
Also, there is this thing called “subtext.” Usually people see subtext in straight relationships so it’s like there are more gay people on tv because gay people are seriously underrepresented. Glee? Used to be full of subtext. Once Upon A Time? So full of subtext the subtext even has a name (Swan Queen). Rizzoli & Isles? White Collar? Loaded with the stuff. Sometimes shows turn the characters gay (Grey’s Anatomy is a good example) or are so overt that subtext becomes “main text.” This episode of Xena was by no means “main text,” but it was LOADED with subtext. And it was all played for laughs which is kind of a first? Xena essentially invented subtext and it only becomes more overt as the series progresses.
No Cherries were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
Great cast, but the direction was kind of pot and overly cutesy and the script kept trying for witty Moliere stylings and failing miserably. Also this was a season finale? How terrible. Especially when compared to the last season finale.
But I’ll admit, I snorted when Gabrielle found Xena sitting in the pond.
Season 3, Episode 1, The Furies.
And now we begin one of my favorites season in television history. Too bad this episode where Xena goes crazy isn’t as good as the episodes that follow!