There are few things as crackalicious as an alternate universe episode of a long running show. Seeing your favorite characters in whole new environs is always a delight. But when you add the idea of destiny to the equation and break up a whole slew of couples to see if they can find their ways back to one another. Then, ma’am, you have the recipe for something that should never be off of your television. Loves that are destined are so impossibly epic. They’re so romantic. When you start talking destiny your romances grow to mythic proportions. Romeo and Juliet–Lois and Clark kind of proportions. Every longing look and lingering glance and kind word becomes a confession of love in these big “destined couples are separated by alternate universes” stories. And folks. The looks they were a lingering in Grey’s alternate universe episode. Callie was giving such good eye sex/eye undressing that I half expected Kalinda Sharma and Rizzoli and Isles to roll by in wheel chairs and start taking notes. If you stare at her too long your clothes WILL fly off. I kind of pity poor Owen in this universe because his wife is very clearly gay for pediatric surgeons, and worse, she doesn’t know she’s gay. She just knows that she likes to star at Arizona’s boobs all the time. Fun alternate universe fact: Arizona's eyes may be at the same level as her nipples? Or Callie is just hot for ambiguously gay lady surgeons. When Callie and Owen went in for their smooch it was like watching a blob fish try to mate with a dog’s leg. Or something equally gross and non-sensical. I mean, it wasn’t just Callie having all kinds of feelings for other ladies. Owen is super rageful and hiding his rage from his wife and making soulful eyes at Cristina who in the alternate universe is a kickass loner surgeon who apparently cuts her own hair. In the alternate universe Cristina goes home to a house of year old pizza boxes and quietly sings Tegan and Sara while cutting her hair with poultry shears. She also does surgery on bananas then eats the bananas and gets in fights with Meredith because they are no longer friends. But back to Owen. He’s still a veteran and still suffering from PTSD but because he’s married to Callie and they are the aforementioned blob fish and dog’s leg he hasn’t been getting the help he needs. Which makes sense. PTSD is a powerful and destructive thing. It takes a real commitment to see someone through it. That’s not a commitment they have (the 3 kids, Allegra, Tavis-D and Sudafed not withstanding*). And I wish we could have explored this new rageball Owen more. Though that would have been weird as this is all supposedly Meredith’s dream. If it suddenly turned into the very compelling romantic drama that could be the Cristina/Owen/Callie/Arizona square we’d all be wondering why Meredith was dreaming about other people’s romantic lives so extensively (sidenote: as this was all Meredith’s dream I’d like to point out that she dreamt of Callie eyesex for a good five minutes). So instead of more of that drama bomb goodness we get Meredith. And Alex. Making out. The alternate universe has turned Alex in Clark Kent. Won’t lie. Man looks good in nerd glasses. I would hit that hardcore. Meredith and I aren’t the only ones finding geeky Alex hot. April is also into all that and they share a surprisingly sexy half second make out wherein he’s cheating on Meredith with April and April is cheating on Charles (not dead!) with Alex and I’m cheating on the regular Grey’s verse with this alternate universe and I don’t even care. There is something so delightful about a world where everything is broken but there’s the promise of it all righting itself. Where Webber is a nice guy (even if he’s a pushover) and Bailey can still be Bailey even when she gets fired and Addison can still be on Grey’s instead of that show where a baby got cut out of the womb and kidnapped? That happened right? I didn’t just make that up? So who cares if she’s in a loveless marriage and banging Mark and pregnant with George’s love child (that last fact has not been confirmed but let’s go with it because DRAMA). It’s also a world where Derek always looks like he’s in a turtleneck all of the time and makes sad faces because he hates his life and has a little adorable pudge belly. Don't you just want to poke his little "I'm depressed and in a loveless marriage" belly? And it’s a world where we get to see that Ellis Grey and Meredith Grey are tremendously alike even if the daughter is better as she’s informed by the actions of the mother. These are two strong women who will do whatever it takes to be best (and the show goes out of its way not to judge them for their competitive streaks). It did, however, take half the episode for Meredith to find her inner Ellis. I’m not complaining. It means we got to confirm that ugly crying is genetic– and that, no matter what world these characters are in Meredith and Cristina will eventually find each other so they can do tequila shooters and refuse to hug it out. Who needs hugs when you have tequila and questionable fashion choices. Derek may be her destined hook up at the bar, but Cristina is her lobster. Was it sad that after we got the confirmation of these two core relationships we didn’t see Cristina angst banging Owen against a brick wall outside while Callie, having seen the angst banging, rushes into the bathroom and makes out with Arizona? Yes. There was just too much going on in this episode for everyone to be pleased. It was never going to be long enough to give each “destiny” partnership it’s due. Still, it was hella fun. If the regular show gets creatively bankrupt I don’t think anyone will mind Meredith going into a coma and being forced to live a few episodes in the alternate universe. Notes Meredith is in her mid-30s and lives with her mom. Teddy is a dude. Alternatively–gaymo Callie is unaware of Teddy not being a dude. I really want to see more of the COCA square. And you do too. Admit it already. Lexie as a drug addict. I didn’t buy it. I like how the “official” couples were reinforced but the whole Avery/Lexie/Mark thing was kept kind of ambiguous. Though if Addison moves back to Seattle apparently she and Mark are endgame. The callbacks to previous episodes, and particularly the pilot, were too numerous to chronicle. The best were the friendship creating conversation between Cristina and Meredith, the bar conversation that immediately followed between Meredith and Derek and Arizona telling Callie she’s amazing. Charles Percy, whom was killed in the sixth season finale by a gunman, asks someone to shoot him. I see what you did there Shonda Rhimes. Avery and Arizona were the only characters to emerge from this new universe relatively unchanged, though he’s now prone to bad Cuban accents and she’s rocking a huuuuge crush on Callie. Izzie went crazy over Denny and didn’t have a group of enablers to help save her job. Poor Izzie. George disappeared after failing his internship exam (because he’s a failure in all worlds) and after fathering Addison’s phantom baby was presumably hit by a bus…or maybe he just moved back in with his mom. Loved Cristina’s response to “please don’t tell my wife I got violent with a window. She’s worried I’ll hurt the kids.” “Aren’t you?” Even under that hideous haircut Cristina is a genuinely good person and Sandra Oh is one of the best actresses on television. If ugly crying is genetic then April Kepner’s parents and Ellis Grey have some ‘splaining to do. Next Week: The main couples try to get some alone time for boning. Except for Owen and Cristina. They may get a divorce or get hit by a car. Can’t be sure. *I am unaware of what the Callie/Owen spawn are actually named outside of the little girl who vagina blocked her mom when Arizona asked her out for drinks. Alida Priest Callie and Owen’s twins are Gavin and Angus according to the casting sides. http://fempop.com/ Alex Cranz Good to know! Also those are incredibly Scottish names!