Vampire Diaries: The One Where Every Single Character Is Killed Basically

The past couple of weeks I had to watch a lot of shows that have felt like work. It is with absolutely no irony that I say SWEET LORD THE VAMPIRE DIARIES WAY TO KICK SHIT UP A NOTCH AND REMIND ME WHY I LIKE TELEVISION. (Or, you know, SLTVDWTKSUANARMWILT – like how the kids all say.)

As a geek, I do like to harbor fantasies that my thoughts, opinions, like, dislikes, and theories are taken into serious consideration by the actors, crew, directors, and most importantly of all, the writers. Until last night though, I thought they were just that – fantasies, delusions. But after what was UNARGUABLY the best, most hilarious, most thematically packed, most plot-moving episode of television I have seen maybe…ever, I have reason to believe that maybe my house been bugged. If that is the case 1.) Sorry about that thing with the underwear and 2.) I have never been more fortunate or glad to have my privacy so invaded.

"Doctor Most Foul"

Typically, I can watch a T.V. and do roughly eight million other tasks including lower level quantum physics – but after minute two of last night’s episode, I shut my laptop, hung up my phone, put away my calculator, my knitting, and went to the kitchen to get a magnum of champagne and a crate of glasses so I could repeatedly fill them and then drop them dramatically in shock as shoe after shoe after shoe dropped as the episode went on (in that analogy there was an octopus wearing shoes instead of  human man-type being).

Two weeks ago we endured the inanity of Bonnie discovering her mom from the successful television program Girlfriends. This week was something entirely new and kick butt and you completely understand why there wasn’t a new episode last week. Seriously. (Although why they were showing a special screening of the Omen or whatever remains to be seen.) Using a cunning mixture of jaw-jutting, magical talk, and passive agression, Bonnie has convinced her absentee mother to like, I guess abandon her adoptive teenaged son (though he is a high school grad) and return to the nexus of the universe tiny haven (I have a summer home there) of Mystic Falls Connecticut France Virginia. Their task: to use their magic to somehow open up the one coffin still in their possession (courtesy of Damon) sure it contains the key to ending Klaus’s reign of terror and also his life. They spend a bunch of time trying to do magic and Bonnie keeps sassing her mom for sucking and then finally her mom gets annoyed enough that their magic…seems to be working. So what do they do? The logical thing. They stop everything they are doing and Bonnie leaves her mom in the creepy grimor-havin’ cave to go “make some calls.” It was at this point I began below “Run bitch!” and throwing full glasses of champagne at the screen. (My television screen is made of adamantine-alloy. Shut up it’s real.)

Just hanging out. ROASTING THE FUCK OUT OF STEFAN.

At Elena’s empty familial manor, she mopes around wearing long sleeved athletic wear and a high pony. Luckily we were not made victim to another one of the writers’ favorite type of scenes: “Elena Goes For A Run So We Can See What She Is Feeling And Also She Is Like Buffy See Guys? Instead, she just breathes heavily, convincing of nothing other than Dobrev’s inexperience as a runner, and teases a hungover Alaric who totally got bombed and drunk dialed The Doctor Most Foul (GIRL IS A KILLER. A KILLER.) at 2am, presumably to talk about his penis feelings.

They are interrupted by Mrs. The Sheriff who is growing out her hair and it is in that weird Florence circa the Brady Bunch length and I pity her for it. She comes bearing a tucked in sheriff’s shirt and some shit news – the dead medical examiner? Stabbed with a stake from Elena’s summer sex cabin – and hers are the only prints on it. (It only occurs to me now that perhaps Katherine is responsible. And for this, I am a moron.) Alaric, THE DOBREV and Mrs. Brady stand on the porch making sassy “here we go again!” faces for a while and then the Sheriff leaves. Alaric and THE DOBREV consider the possibility of the Doctor Most Foul being behind this. Alaric thinks yes, but Nina’s all “Nah boo, YOUR LUCK CANNOT BE THAT BAD.” Which is, the best thing Elena has ever said. It also probably means that Alaric’s boo is hinky. Ah the ghost of Aunt Jenna. Where are you now? Are you eating ice cream? Are you on my couch?

Meanwhile the brothers Salvatore have a pow-wow with the brothers Original – yeah because remember how Ye Delicious Elijah is back? He’s doing what he do, bein’ the George Stephanopoulos of this crew, all playin’ every angle. Klaus immediately discloses the truth about his killing their mom, and Elijah takes it pretty well. That is because he had quietly made a deal with Damon and by the episodes end plans to bring his whole family back and kill Klaus once and for all. Shyeah! That’s what’s up!

So sad. Dead now.

But before this can occur, something has to happen – and that thing is that Caroline’s dad has to be murdered with Vampire Blood still in his system and then refuse to drink in order to change and live and instead slowly die while he and Caroline reconcile. THERE WERE TEARS YOU GUYS, SO MANY TEARS! Also Matt reared his head as a potential future lover for both Elena (we’ll get to that later) and Caroline, all comforting her quietly with his man arms while she  bawled and everyone quietly suspected Tyler even though I am 90% that they have totally wrong – but yeah, where was that guy? He’s probably off in a cave with a beard having weird cave masturbatory sessions like that guy from the novel Perfume. Ha ha. Perfume.

Perfume is their favorite book. They share a copy and read it while holding hands.

Back at Klaus’s house, this dinner is not going well, and there are a bunch of threats being made and then the Original brothers are all “Boys, we once loved a girl and fought over her too,” and I was all “whaaaat? Oh snap!” and it turns out this girl TITIA, I mean TATIA, was the original Petrova blah blah blah and had a child out of wedlock but everyone dug her anyway (probably more, because she clearly put out) and her mom was a powerful witch who helped their mother make the spell that turned them into vampires by putting Tatia’s blood in the cups they drank from. This confused me (AND FAIR ENOUGH) because I though their mom was the Original witch – can any of you guys hit me up, was Tatia’s mom like, her helper? Her very powerful helper? Also, if Elena is descended from a witch does that mean her family owned Bonnie’s family? (#realtalk) Somebody speculate in the comments. All theories will be accepted. Anyway, the Salvatores are all “I don’t know man, you are my family and stuff and that this the main theme of this episode but I still love Elena.” And then all of the originals come back from the dead because that was Elijah’s scheme and they are going to kill the hell outta Klaus -

But before that can happen, Alaric has to be murdered in the same fashion as Caroline’s dad. Ah, I know right?! But he wasn’t murdered good enough – SO ELENA HAS TO KILL STAB HIM AND KILL HIM BECAUSE THEY DO NOT KNOW IF HE WAS KILLED BY SUPERNATURAL FORCED BUT IF SHE KILLS HIM HE WILL COME BACK FROM THE DEAD. FUCKED. UP. So Elena kills Alaric and sits there bawling and Matt is there – (penis friend? Salvatore brothers reject her to save her – as is their wont – and she turns to Matt for blond-red penis touching with shoulders?) and Elena is all like “I CANNOT LOSE MORE FAMILY” and somewhere in Denver Jeremy is singing Rocky Mountain High and teaching a cougar how to snowboard. Alaric comes back though, so that’s okay. And somewhere, Caroline keens over her father’s dead body: “Elena, Elena, Elena!” Ha ha. Times.

Bro-in' out.

Damon and Stefan go to the cave when they see they have a missed call from Bonnie and oh snap the coffin is open! And empty! And Bonnie and her mother are all passed out! WHAT WAS IN THE COFFIN?!?!?!

IT WAS THE ORIGINAL WITCH! AHHH! And she comes into the house and all the originals are like “Oh man mom is going to kill you SO HARD” but then SHE FORGIVES KLAUS and she is basically like Jesus! And this is maybe the best thing that has ever happened!

Who is killing people? Is Doctor Most Foul really just Jeremy in disguise? Or Tyler in disguise? Cave Jizz? Will Caroline touch Matt’s human dong? Will Elena? Stefan still loves her! So does Damon! I AM SO FRUSTRATED IN ALL OF MY PARTS! But perhaps most importantly of all will the originals go shopping to update their clothing and have a sort of montage because I would be in total support of that – TOTAL. SUPPORT.

Sadly, not his last meal.

Until next time: Family. Family first, you guys. That is what we learned.