Grey’s Anatomy Breaks Hearts And Gets Gay For Valentine’s Day

I need to get this out of the way right off the bat. Before we discuss all the stuff going down with Cristina and Owen and Teddy or the homoriffic subtext of Mark and Jackson or Lexie making faces at a baby or Bailey being awesome or Alex showing he has a heart or Meredith and Derek looking for places to bang we need to have a chat about Callie and Arizona.

Because their part of this episode was aaaall about Arizona being pissy about camping in the woods on Valentine’s Day and potentially having to abandon her wife on the side of a mountain. And that is a valid concern. Camping in a tent in moist winter months? That is the WORST. You’re never clean and you’re never dry and you are the opposite of sexy. She was super adorable in her pouting towards Callie early on–even though it was pretty clear Callie was just being an ass because it’s easy. And she and Mark and Avery were thoroughly GIF-able when trying to determine who would get stick with a baby on V-Day.

But man, when it came to Callie and Arizona finally camping and the big reveal? My pants burst into flames. Between that and all the stuff going on on The Vampire Diaries in the preceding hour there was nothing left of my pants. Just ashes.

As established elsewhere, this is sexy people.

I’m not even sure why two ladies in their Moroccan boudoir had that kind of effect on me but now I firmly every couple needs to get their chance in that trailer post Calliefication. Before it was a drab walking STD (pretty sure every character on the show has had sex in that trailer) and now it could be like the show’s personal love boat. Just wheel it into the Seattle Grace Mercy West parking lot and cycle couples through it. NO ONE WILL COMPLAIN.

Oh lordie. It's fingerless gloves. The Solarbabies lovers among you are a-swoonin'.

Okay. Now that all that is out of my system and my scorched pants of been dealt with let’s talk about how gay this episode was.

I think everyone but Dr. Robbins of the silly hats (she most be related to Emma on Once Upon A Time) knows where this is headed.

No not all the softly lit trailer lesbian times. I’m talking about Mark and Jackson getting down and dirty with a bottle of wine. I know shows like to sometimes write two straight dudes as a couple because it’s silly and fun, but it totally backfired here. I was definitely wondering why these two virile heteromen can’t figure things out and find love in each other’s glove. They showed more manly affection for one another in 45 minutes that Modern Family has in three seasons.

Robbins is all "You call an ass slap of comfort on your nervous boo bear gay? I get laid in a flaming Moroccan love nest in a few scenes!"

Elsewhere in the hospital Bailey made me feel uncomfortable with her sexual desire. This is a problem of the show’s own making. They kind of went out of their way desexualizing her for many many seasons so when she does get sultry it’s so alarming I have to giggle like I just walked in on my 7th grade English teacher shaving her face. I’m not ashamed, per se, just uncomfortable.

And it’s silly on my part. They’ve worked hard to set up Bailey as a vibrant sexual being as capable of love and loss as all the other doctors. This episode with her McDreamy (a name so appropriate on account of his attractiveness and vocation) should have delighted me and made me warm and happy inside. She finally gets a guy who completely understands her and will set up huge romantic meals hours late just to please her. Also he’s gorgeous. That’s a winner in anyone’s book.

She fucking LOVES her macaroni and cheese crust.

But then Bailey got all giggly and excited over macaroni and cheese with extra crust and my brain failed to compute the vision appearing on my television. Maybe if they developed this guy beyond “dreamy” so it didn’t strike me as straight up wish-fulfillment I’d be able to handle it better. It would be nice if they developed him anyways because then it would give Bailey a decent storyline.

Maybe a storyline like the one involving Owen, Cristina and Teddy because holy hell people. Remember Owen was all “I need a drink and I’m leaving my wife” and Teddy was all, “That’s cool I hate you forever and never speak to me again?”

Her hate face and my "I just stepped on a slug" face bear a remarkable resemblance.

That is a pretty dang hefty wish for a person to have and in the grand scheme of things it does make sense. Teddy Altman has been the show’s sad sack from her introduction and most of her saddest and sackiest moments have involved Owen’s use of her without regarding her feelings. Using her to save a life at the expense of giving her time to see her husband when he was still warm would certainly be a final straw for the character.

I just wish this whole storyline, from the very first moment Henry was introduced, didn’t feel so forced. There something incredibly organic about her hatred for Owen and I can’t wait to watch that being explored, but it started in such a silly plot that it taints all the goodness.

Thankfully that taint (heh) doesn’t extend to the other part of this storyline, which is Cristina’s reaction to what Owen did and his reaction to her abortion. Teddy’s exclamation of hatred purposely mirrored Owen’s whole “YOU KILLED OUR BABY AND NOW ALL OUR COWORKERS KNOOOOOOW” from a few episodes and at that point I honestly thought we were seeing the beginning of a season long arc where Cristina and Owen get a divorce and have to go to alimony hearings.

Instead they leveraged the Teddy plot (that poor woman) to force Cristina to bend a little and beg her husband not to hate her. It was absolutely heartbreaking watching her realize that Teddy truly hated Owen and that she couldn’t stand it if he hated her in a similar fashion. Keeping giving Sandra Oh work like that Rhimes and company because she knocks it out of the park and then makes a round of the stands for high fives.

Aaaaaaacting!

Ironically, despite the very heavy drama going down in Croweneddy land the episode was kind of a light-hearted romp. We’d switch over to them or Lexie weeping over missed opportunities (we’ve had four seasons of your waffling lady either marry the dude or get off the pot) and then we’d cut to the Mark/Avery bromance going head to head with Arizona or horny Meredith and an energetic Bailey hunting down teratomas in the most upbeat sterilization sequence I’ve ever seen.

Apparently nothing delights Meredith Grey more than a little sterilization before date night.

Also. There was a lot of sexy time.

Someone approves.

Notes

• April Kepner was a low show this week as the actress playing her just had a baby. That’s job dedication man. In her place I’d be telling them to shove it while eat hash browns and icing my hoo hah.
• If Mark and Avery and Lexie worked things out by becoming a very attractive threesome in the vein of Tilda Swinton’s home life I would not complain and nor would you.
• Lot of fat adorable babies on this show now. This coupled with the show currently have 40 bajillion pregnant women means there’s probably a LOT of estrogen floating around that workplace.
• The “Alex has a soul” storyline was adorable the first time we saw it. But it’s getting a little old now. We know he’s sensitive. Do something with that knowledge.
• Next Week: Depending on where you live this is either a MAJOR CROSSOVER EVENT or an episode where Callie cracks wise about limbs destroyed in meat grinders and then mentors Meredith. Gotta love the radically different sensibilities of America and Canada as expressed in television previews.