Once Upon A Time Borders On Interesting When Charming’s First Wife Goes to Law School

For every whiny jerk in Storybrooke, there is apparently a lady-rapist in Fairy Tale. Our story begins with Prince Charming on the run from his wedding to the Princess Abigail. After yet another very exciting chase scene by horse, he ends up caught by his betrothed and her knights in one of Fairy Tale’s vague woodlands.

Let me take this opportunity to say damn, someone just won best-dressed. Abigail has been a rather disliked character up to this point: she appears spoiled, conceited, and willing to do whatever Daddy Minas says. However, girl can wear a jaunty cap.

Also jaunty? All of Abigail and her Fairy Tale story.

Prince Charming demands to know what she wants in his manliest voice. Stalking triumphantly forward, and looking freakin’ fine, Abigail says that she doesn’t want to marry him, either. So she helps him escape, and proves to be one of the more likable characters.

Because someone’s a nosy Parker, Charming can’t let lie the reason Princess Abby’s so keen on assistance. She finally shows him her dark secret: a knight she was in love with was accidentally turned to gold by her father. Being the damsel-saving prince he is, Charming decides to help her break the curse, so she can stop attempting the True Love’s Kiss trick from last episode ‘until her lips bled.’

What's better? The detail on that gold knight or her ability to say that line and make it sound genuinely sad?

When you say it out loud, it seems like a lot happened in Storybrooke this episode. However, watching it was a yawn fest.  David Nolan promises make out buddy Mary Margaret that he will inform his wife Katherine of his extramarital activities, and break off their marriage. There are a couple awkward domestic scenes and a corny speech from Mary Margaret. Such gems as “we’re not being honest,” and “Why is that our default: Lying?” are uttered by her as if she only just realized what was going on.

Katherine admits to David over dinner that she applied to Law School in Boston and wants to move with him there. Which prompts another question from me: What are their jobs? During their dinner scene, I was admiring the bar spread behind their massive dining room table, and realized that all the other characters have employment, but this nicely situated couple has no vocational history established. Katherine’s career is never mentioned, and all David seems to do is wake up from comas and stalk Mary Margaret behind his wife’s back.

Anyway, David tells Katherine he cannot go to Boston, but he lies about why. Because he sucks. David Nolan is a big creepazoid, cowardly cheater, and I hope he doesn’t get his true love. I said it.

HOWEVER, if you need someone to handwash your Jeep from the 80s he is there for you.

Regina shows up in our episode to cockblock some letters and give her son video games, in place of books. She delivers the most heartbreaking apology ever received by a son, saying says she’s sorry for tearing down his playground and knows he’s sad about his book. Henry responds that he misses Emma.

Henry, she apologizes, tells loves you, gives you toys and all you can do is talk about the lady that gave you up for adoption? You're kind of a dick.

Then Katherine and Regina get into a BFF fight after the former finds out the latter knew about the affair and did not tell her. This is the first time Katherine’s heard about the affair, and Regina helpfully supplies the name of the home wrecker. Our spurned wife shows up at Storybrooke Elementary in the middle of the day, pushes past some tall, handsome sap with a bag full of soccer balls, and slaps Mary Margaret in front of students and parents. Mary Margaret finds out Davie-boy lied to her, to, and they become best friends. Okay, that second part didn’t happen.

Editor's Note: BUT IT SHOULD HAVE. SHE'S THE BEST AND NEEDS TO BE AROUND ALWAYS.

However, Katherine works through it, and goes back to Regina to apologize for her treatment earlier that day. In the fastest turn around since Susan G. Komen, she explains that she’s still going to Boston, and has left a note for David & company extending her blessing. Regina uses her magical skull keys to break into the house and pick up the message before it reaches its recipient, of course.

Back in Fairy Tale, Charming journeys with Abigail to a magical lake where he has to defeat a monster and get some water. Instead of scooping and ditching, he tarries at the lake, demanding the creature show itself. It does, and it’s a hot lady. Naturally. When her attempted seduction does not work, she morphs into the visage of his beloved Snow White, and they make out for way too long before he remembers it’s not his real lady-love. She drags him down into the lake, anyway, where he’s ensnared by some aquatic flora. At the lake bottom, we see a few ominously empty suits of armor. Instead of just drowning him, however, the siren continues her molestation. Right as he’s caught and losing oxygen our Snow White impostor practices mouth to mouth in the most bubbly assault scene I’ve ever seen in my life. I can only assume she’s highly kinky, or “no” doesn’t compute when your brain has been without oxygen. Charming uses some dead guy’s knife to stab and kill her, hopefully putting to rest the souls of her victims.

That's not the dagger she was expecting when this started.

The water’s used, and Princess Abigail’s sweet Frederick is returned to her. Prince Charming rides off and into a scene we saw in a previous episode. It is now clear this is what Prince Charming was doing during Snow White’s dwarven adventure. After some short conversation, and the start of another chase, he promises Red Riding hood that he will find Snow. The two ride off together.

In Storybrooke, we found out the Stranger’s name! It’s August W. Booth. In a wordless scene, our motorcyclist-author is shown rebinding Henry’s book of fairy tales. The next time we see him, he asks Emma on the most boring date ever. All we know about him thus far is his name, he’s got the hots for Emma, and he’s got a really nice cross stitch. Move it along, writers!

Editor's Theory: He's obsessed with fairy tales, the book, and Emma. THIS IS OLD HENRY.

The book appears in a puddle under Emma’s car, and the fact that it’s binding has been replaced was deliberately hidden. Can anyone say changed stories? Emma returns the book to Henry, and all is returned to it’s anti-adoption balance in Storybrooke.

Several hours later, Katherine drives out of Storybrooke and disappears from her car. It turns out the guy she bumped into before her schoolhouse showdown was her beloved Frederick, and he’s the one that discovers her empty car. Cue episode 14, please.