Alcatraz: The One Where The Bad Guy’s Testicles ARE BURNED OFF BY MALICIOUS ATHLETES!
When last we saw Hauser, he was all “FIX MY LADY! SHE BROKEDED!” about Doctor Gee. The episode starts with the revelation that whatever magical sorcery is making the 63 spring forward in time untouched by the ravages of age hasn’t made them able to magic any ol’ bitch out of a coma. Instead, he tenderly hands Hauser a copy of Twilight and says, “Read her tales, Hauser. Tales of glory.” And then Hauser murders him – with his eyeball meat. Because while he has no problem believing in time travel, the concept that a person in a coma could respond to a loved one’s voice is hookum.
This week’s killer from the past was my favorite so far! His name, Johnny McKee, his game, poisoning people and quoting Jules Verne. YOU KNOW. THE USUAL. His first modern victim is some dude cheating on the lady he is about to marry and I’ll be real, since I actually wound up watching Smash before Alcatraz last night, I may have loudly clapped when this happened. Because nothing has made me hate dudes more than Smash. Anyway, McKee is a delight. He is a mass-murderer who tends to attack when he feels the hateful weight of the man upon him. Like raining down poison on his former classmates at his 15 year high school reunion. Ah, chemistry teachers. They are wild. Mine was a former nun with a wicked old-school Rhode Island accent. True story. Anyway, McKee was getting picked on even in prison and then he got all stabby with a poison blade and it was like a psychotic “It Gets Better” commercial. Psychotically effective.
But just when the show has wooed me, it makes me fart with rage. For an example, how did Dr. Soto find out about this crime. Oh you know, a viral video from the internet. He is a nerd, so clearly it makes sense that he’d more more likely to see a “viral” video (HATE THAT PHRASE WITH EVEN MY PANTS MEAT) whilst playing an RPG than like – from the diligent research into the inmates rapidly returning from the past he’s doing for his new job assisting a special task force. Shoooowwwwww (You couldn’t see it, but I was waving my first in a threatening way just then.)In other news, they are continuing Soto’s flirtation with the comic lovin’ medical examiner. I feel like flirting over a corpse should be tacitly understood to be maybe the unsexiest thing on planet earth.
While the team tries to catch McKee, McKee goes from one job where people treating him like shit and spurring him to murder was a sure bet, to another – working as a towel boy. Stupid man. Anyway some guys whips a towel at him – LIKE YOU DO – which led him to MASS MURDER EVERYONE AT THE POOL! THIS WAS SCARY TO ME! I HAD A SCARY WEEKEND OKAY? I SAW THE WOMAN IN BLACK AND IT WAS TWO HOURS OF NON-STOP TERROR!
Madsen decides to do something useful – which is out of character for her – and goes to interview pilot episode inmate Jack Sylvane (hottie? Hottie.) for clues. Uhhhhhh WHY HAS THIS NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE? I DEMAND ANSWERS ALCATRAZ. I sniffed and muttered, but Sylvane kept yammering about how McKee always had a stash of deadly nightshade that grew rampant on Alcatraz – ha ha ha, is this true? That is like having a garden of guns inside a prison! Anyway, Sylvan continued babbling about the secrets of Alcatraz and Hauser was all “SILENCE WENCH!” and Madsen was all “Huh. Maybe I should be…vaguely more suspicious than I have been of this whole deal?”
And she was a little, but then they had to stop to go to Chinatown and find out about Hauser’s Qi and also that McKee had bought the hell out of some poisons. (For concerned parties, Hauser’s Qi is…..cloudy. Ha ha. Alcatraz.) They rifle through his belongings and figure out that he is going to poison everyone who likes sports on the train. This is boring to me now. Oh good, now there is a fight and he has been zapped dead on the third rail. DELIGHTFUL.
But why kill all of the people who like sports? Because! Because of the best reason ever! Because he was seduced by a lady and then tricked into stripped nude – ONLY TO HAVE HIS NAKEDNESS REVEALED IN A STADIUM WHERE ATHLETES BURNED OFF HIS TESTES WITH A CHERRY BOMB! THAT HAPPENED! THAT HAPPENED ON ALCATRAZ! Luckily Doctor Gee in her effort to burn away traumatic memories and reform the inmates is there to help! So while we don’t learn anything more about how in the holy hell they keep traveling to the future, we are learning more about Doctor Gee’s methods and how they are….making people bananas? I AM AN EXCELLENT RECAPPER.