Lost Girl Gets Bi-Curious When Aswangs Gets Sick
By Alex Cranz
As Kenzi so eloquently put it, Aswangs have a terrible name. Probably because the name is Filipino and thus perfectly normal for people speaking the language. For this native English speaker I kept wonder why on earth someone would call themselves an “asswine” then I ended up musing on some particularly assy wines I’ve had over the years. That Cold Duck I drank straight from the bottle Halloween 2004 that tasted like the back-end of a dog hops to mind immediately.
But yeah so there’s this Aswang. Translated to English it means “eater of the dead.” Which is apt because that’s what they do. This one fails to sear her human foot before boiling it for days and gets sick like the waifish fourth wheel in a love triangle.
We only know about her impending death by lack of eye tampons because Bo is out on a “succubus evaluation” with Sexy Wooden Doctor. Apparently this involves lots and lots of eye sex, lots of alcohol and then some glowy hand touches that nearly turn to smooches before Bo reminds her sexy timber-like friend that her ass is human and if they go to town on each other she’ll end up looking like two-year old driftwood.
Sexy Wooden Doctor disagrees and says something about “believing in yourself” to Bo. Basically she’s just horny and is willing to risk death if she can get some. Bo is all “f self-esteem your vagina is not worth a murder trial” and agrees to see the Sexy Wooden Doctor the next day.
She shows up with Kenzi, who we have established as being team Tudor Werewolf. Like any good fangirl she is displeased with being in the presence of the opposition and spends her time ragging on Lauren while Lauren glares and thinks about swatting her. Then she gets the call about the foot and they go see the dying asswine and Kenzi pulls the stupid card and eats the foot soup and gets sick.
I want to feel bad for Kenzi as she’s the best, but woman, you are in the house of a fairy. We have previously established that all fairies participate in some sort of cannibalism. WHY WOULD YOU EAT THE SOUP? Also she was being mean to the luscious ligneous MD who hasn’t done anything but teach Bo how to not murder, handout some prodigious eye lovin’ and help an entire race of creatures consume human beings for years and years. Okay I can kind of see how Kenzi might feel Lauren is some sort of traitor to the human race, but chica you regularly friend cuddle with a woman who has been on a ten-year killing spree. Glass houses and junk yeah?
So Kenzi ends up hospitalized in fairy land while Bo seeks out Dyson to help her figure out whats up with the evil foot soup. This involves them wishing they could bone and then fighting a bunch of bikers. Then it involves him being put on Kenzi Watch 2012 (or 2010 depending on where you live) while Bo and Lauren break into a government compound to uncover whatever poisoned the original owner of the diseased foot.
And also, we all learn that Kenzi and her Tudor Werewolf have mad chemistry and should maybe make out? Would that be bad? To set up the fun sidekick with the hunky werewolf?
I kind of have a feeling that these might be the two strongest actors on the show and that they’re interplay is infinitely watchable. Even when Kenzi is all “DON’T BANG BO IF I DIE BECAUSE YOU WILL DIE” and he’s all “SURE BUT NOT REALLY” I was totally okay with them saying f it and making out.
But a really touching expression of a female/male platonic relationship is cool too.
Less platonic was Bo’s method of breaking into a drug company. It involved hair that makes the Texan in me proud and cleavage that makes my infamous boob dress hella jealous.
Using a combination of these things–and also maybe some brains–Bo goes about proving that guys are all horn dogs and that her powers don’t work on totally gay dudes.
So basically, Adam Lambert is her kryptonite.
Meanwhile Lauren breaks in by going undercover and then gassing people and skewering others with drug filled needles. Do. Not. Fuck. With. Her.
Bo and Lauren finally find the culprit behind the eye bleed and steal a sample of its organic tissue (not semen) before murdering it.
They return in the nick of time and save Kenzi so she can wisecrack into our hearts another day. Then Bo is all, “thank you sexy Wooden Doctor,” and Sexy Wooden Doctor is all “let me touch your shoulders in a not so subtle come on.”
And Dyson is all “WHAT IS THIS TOM FOOLERY?”
Then Bo and Lauren share some angsty eye stare and Dyson tries to not be jealous when Bo tells him she can probably bang humans now without killing them and I’m all quietly “bravo” on the crafting of a most fair bisexual love triangle that is totally angsty because of feelings instead of sexuality.
Can’t Bo just get her Mormon extremist thing on and become a polygamous? She’s already got the hair for it.
Also Trick traded one of his most beloved possessions to get a dumb horn that would keep Kenzi alive a little longer? If we later find out Trick is her secret dad I will be SO HAPPY.