The Vampire Diaries: Sex, Identity, and A Boxing Lady Vampire

Sage, immortal love guru and sexer.

This is maybe the best episode of the Vampire Diaries I have ever seen.

I say this fully acknowledging that is probably comes from me having been without the show for a tiny lifetime and even had they aired 45 minutes of Nina Dobrev making mashed potatoes and falling over I probably would still be making the same of sort of ardent declarations – and also googling “Dobrev potatoes buy where?” because I am a creepy weirdo.

But all my Dobrev potato buying peccadilloes aside, the episode was ten kind of strong and awesome and potentially game-changing – although, yet again, I have to say, there was not nearly enough of my main girl Caroline.

When the episode starts Matt and Elena are having sweaty athletic sex. Oh no wait I’m sorry, what I meant to say was, they are jogging. Because they are both incredibly sexually frustrated. And this delights me. The writers are so delicately setting the stage from some shirtless Matt dry humping down the line – but they also worked real hard this episode to make it clear. Sex ain’t nothing but a thang, and Elena’s heart still belongs to both of the brothers Sal.

Bonnie, her transitioning mother, and Caroline and quickly written off-screen, with Caroline playing the part of Florence Nightingale meets Lestat. It almost would have been better had Matt not mentioned what was going on with them, because that scenario sounds so potentially appealing that I maybe zoned out and then took to the internet to see is maybe Candice Accola had gotten ambitious and be like “OMG. You guys. Let’s film this in my room for funsies!” Sadly, that was not the case.

The majority of the episode was divided between Shaggy and Scooby (for so shall Matt and Elena now be called) looking for evidence of Dr. Most Foul’s misdoings which landed Alaric – who was shot last episode – in jail as the presumed serial killer. While Shaggy and Scooby believe that the good doc is the killer, it is ultimately revealed that Alaric’s ring IS DRIVING HIM TO MADNESS WHICH IS THE BEST THING EVER. I mean, yes, it sucks for him to be blacking out and getting his kill on (especially if that means self-stabbery) but frankly, anything that happens to Alaric not being the result of a woman in his life dying or trying to kill him makes for a refreshing change of pace. That being said, I remain skeptical. Elena cites the ancient journals of Melissa Gilbert (ha ha, that’s that actress, I can’t remember the character’s name – Mary? Was it Mary? Whatevs.) where Melissa begins losing time after wearing the ring, and doing ten kinds of crazy shit – like killing folks. Dr. Most Foul thinks this is what’s up too. I don’t, because Dr. Most Foul SHOT HIM AND HE CAME BACK.

You guys. A gun is not a supernatural death. This is either proof something else is up, or maybe the biggest over-site a team of TV writers have made ever. I am choosing to believe option A.

So yeah. There’s that. I will be bummed if Alaric is a serial killer though, because it will mean that he will go to jail, and Elena can never do him. I need me some flashfic stat!

The other half of the episode was dedicated to Damon deciding that Stefan’s cold turkey approach to vampirism is a bad idea, and decides to teach him moderation. The boys flash back in time to the last era where Mystical Falls was plagued with a serial killer, which coincides with Stefan’s last attempt at moderation, and Damon’s introduction to the art of the sex-making – courtesy of a red-haired lady-boxer who is a vampire named Sage. She criticizes Damon’s form and introduces him to the art of the seduction and it is glorious, a Lothario is born.

Having his sexy-needs, met, Damon decides to help his brother with his own brand of blood problems. But moderation for Stefan doesn’t work so well since he is a pig and he bites a lady’s head off and then goes crying into the woods. Seriously. That happened.

Flash to the present, Damon offers up another broad to drain, this time letting him know will Rebecca will kill the girl if Stefan doesn’t take a sip. He manages to pull himself away in time, Rebecca pouts off into the sunset, and for SOME REASON NEVER EXPLAINED suddenly Matt and Elena are there, being all horrified about Stefan’s bloody face.

Damon runs off crying into the ally, Stefan goes to drink Scotch, and Matt and Elena have a long talk about love and feelings. Elena admits that she fell for Stefan because he’ll never die – like her parents did and DUDE that is so insight! I murmured as much quietly to my TV screen. Then she admits to basically having an unending lady boner for Damon as well, and Matt is a good friend but clearly desires nothing so much as to jizz on her tits.

Damon and Stefan have a pow-wow of their own and they come the closest I have ever seen to them making out when Stefan demands answers as to why Damon is helping him now. Damon is all like “BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND ALL OF YOUR PARTS, STUPID IDIOT! KISS ME!” but they don’t kiss, and that makes me sad. Instead they bond over their continued hunt for the serial killer of Mystic Falls, Alaric Saltzman.

Next Week: More Sage