Game of Thrones Keeps Trolling With The Incest And Veers From The Books

Is there any better way to celebrate the holiest of Christian feast days than by consuming a ton of chorizo and eggs and then sitting down to watch incest, murder and loads of ill-advised sex on Game of Thrones?

Probably if I were a more religious lady.

But whatever. Because Jon Snow’s wolf Ghost showed up in this latest hour. When we last saw him he was less terrifying wolf and more cuddly albino dog. Now he is the size of a Shetland pony and prone to staring down former cast members of Skins.

Guys, this dog is huge and I want to own him even though he's 90% movie magic.

This is probably because he can smell her inbred baby, the product of her dad/husband raping her. I mean…not really–with Ghost smelling the baby, but I like to think that’s why. Like how that one cat can smell cancer in people. Ghost is actually super good at smelling incest. You introduce him to Cersei and Jaimie and he’d go batshit.

But yeah, Gilly is pregnant and worried that if her child is a boy Craster will take him out into the forests and set him free which is not so enticing when you’re a day old baby in a frozen forest full of dire wolves and the undead.

Being really really smart Gilly seeks out the one member of the Night’s Watch likely to be motivated by kindness and nobility? One Jon Snow? Nyet! One Samwell Tarly? Yes to the power of awesome. Sam is all adorable and portly and worried about the women and because he didn’t get reamed (the non sexy kind) by the Commander last episode like Jon he’s totally hip to the idea of pissing off Craster to help Gilly and her spawn escape the house that heterozygosity forgot.

Only he asks Jon for help and Jon says no. And then he follows Craster and a crying baby into the woods where he either saw more wildings or the makers of the undead before Craster beans him in the head. ADVENTURES.

Elsewhere in Westeros Arya is busy continuing to be the most likable and endearing character in this whole kit and caboodle. Why? Because she is a girl disguised as a boy. That’s just a step below body switching (seeing as both are deal with the fluidity of identity and, to some extent, gender). She has to make sure no one notices her squatting in the woods lest she be raped. Because that is a concern, because Westeros is basically the worst place to live ever.

She’s also busy toying with the three criminals so dark and evil and terrible that they’re stuck in a cage. And by toy I mean she pokes two of them with her sword and glares at the third whom is far too sexy to be stuck in a cage.

The Westerosi Dexter.

But not as sexy as Skins alum number 2, Gendry, who sorted out Arya was a girl some time ago, but is a super decent guy and doesn’t rat her out. He’s even more decent when she reveals that she’s actually Arya Stark and thus one of the richest, most powerful and noble women in the entire kingdom.

In ten years I'll be telling them to make out and I won't even be sorry about it. Flipping adorable BFFs forever.

I don’t know about you but the Adventures of Arya and Gendry is a show I would pay to watch (seeing as this is on HBO I already am). These two have a great rapport and are both about ten times smarter than the people they’re with. Chiefly the guy leading their little band, who protects Gendry from some official assassins sent by Joffrey (he’s Robert’s bastard and therefore MUST DIE).

Look guy, after you threaten to take a guy’s nuts off and he promises to return with more men and murder you you have two choices. Kill him and his friend and go on your merry way or smile smugly so we can all be sad when he returns in a future episode and probably kills you.

Guess which option he chooses.

Elsewhere Littlefinger is giving that prostitute from the North options of her own. She can stop crying and start working or be killed. Good for you Littlefinger. Cersei completely emasculated him last episode so he’s taking it out on the staff of his brothel this episode while being REALLY pervy. Dude is a champ.

Cersei is also a champ, as is her brother Tyrion, who calls Janos Slynt into his office and fires his ass and sends him North on account of him being a terrible person whom betrayed Ned Stark and thinks he’s rich and fabulous. Score one for Tyrion!

Also he tells Varys he’s smarter than Ned Stark and to leave his lady friend alone! Another point! Then he confronts Cersei about the dead precious Baratheon bastard babies. Maybe I stood up and cheered a little at the powerhouse acting when he realizes she didn’t order the hit and Lena Headey has to play Cersei as a woman realizing her son is an out of control monster and she’s terrified and unsure of what to do but can tell no one. She’s making me empathize with one of the great villainesses of fantasy literature and that is tits mcgee by me.

HEADEY.

And then when Tyrion presses the issue and mocks her incestuous love for their brother and she lashes out and you realize she’s just this five year old girl who had her entire life destroyed when her mother died, her brother was born and everyone started treating her like a girl (which we established it sucks to be in Westeros). That is a one two three punch of horror for anyone and maybe I wanted to give Cersei a hug and then take her out for froyo so we could get sugar highs and I could explain to her that she needs to stop making such bad life choices and being such an asshat to people.

While Cersei and Tyrion are busy fighting over who gets to run the country while Varys and Littlefinger nip at their heels Daenerys is sunbathing. Which is ill advisable in her current condition of slowly dying of thirst. Then a horse strolls up carrying the head of the hunky rider she made eyes at last episode. Which, for those curious, was not something that happened in the books.

And that, dear reader, is not a problem for me. You want to go off book? Do it! I’m an intelligent woman that can handle to concurrent similar but different stories. In fact I kind of love having things changed up a bit so I’m not quite sure what will happen. For me and the many other folks who have read the books this is great.

Only I’m worrying that some of these changes are happening at the expense of some really kickass women and that their stories are being short shrifted so that the writers can bolster the stories of the men around those women.

Specifically Catelyn and Melisandre. I made a major error last week when talking about Catelyn. I missed something huge. In the books Catelyn chooses to stay by Robb’s side. He doesn’t persuade her. And she insists on getting Stannis and Renly to help them join forces against the Lannister. It’s her idea. Not Robb’s. In the books Robb is smart in battle but positively stupid when it comes to politics and Catelyn knows this and stays by his side to help him.

In the show Robb is older. Which–great–who really wants to watch a 14 year old boy schooling the universe in fighting (besides other 14 year old boys whom are probably too young to be watching this). So he’s going to be a little wiser than his book counterpart, but it is kind of terrible to make him smarter at the expense of Catelyn’s character. She’s one of the cleverest and most identifiable characters in the book for a lot of people–particularly women. Having her turned into a straight up “I miss mah babeez Robb hold ur mama and make it better” kind of woman is a little gross when I start to think about it.

And it looks like it could be the beginning of an alarming trend, because in this episode Melisandre bangs Stannis and that never ever ever happens in the book. Both book and show Stannis are these hard assed lawful guys. They’re like medieval Judge Dredd. Only now tv Stannis cheats on his wife to bang Melisandre who is suddenly a super vamp luring Stannis away from smart choices with her vagina and not just her words and magic.

Now we know that the offer of a son is aphrodisiac to uptight jerk kings. Also knowing what she actually means this is kind of DELIGHTFUL. You'll see.

Siiiiiiigh.

Guys seduced into hypocrisy by sexy ladies is nothing new Game of Thrones. I much preferred guy seduced by words and staying loyal to his code of honor while the sexy lady was busy confusing us and making us wonder if she is good or evil. Because you better believe that the scene tonight where he angrily bangs her on a map of Westeros was about outright villainizing the two of them and removing that wonderful shade of gray they remained in in the books.

At least–AT LEAST–some women only saw very minor changes to their characters. Asha Greyjoy of the books is now Yara Greyjoy and she’s the exact same–if not more awesome. Any woman who trolls her brother into a little incestuous fondling then tells him she’s leading his men into battle because she’s better than him is a-okay in my book.

Notes

• I hope to God that conversation about farting when dying comes back at some point. Like someone dramatically dies and then you hear a piffff. Or that someone gets on youtube and adds fart noises to every death in the show thus far. Can that happen immediately? My five year old inner self desires it.
• Davros and his pirate friend trolling his super religious son. Between them and Yara the pirates of Game of Thrones be a trolling people.
• Theon’s father is a dick. Theon is also a dick. They should have a dick off to see who can be the bigger dick and then Yara should win because she is the best of all of them.
• You know nothing Jon Snow. Especially when it comes to doing late night jaunts into the forest.
• Next Week: Renly and his beard wife show off for Catelyn. Theon runs around King’s Landing being smarter than everyone else and knowing it thus making him slightly less awesome. Lena Headey wrecks acting.

EDIT: As pointed out in the comments below, in the books there are very sly references to an affair between Melisandre and Stannis. So sly that I actually missed them! Yet thinking about it I feel my main concern is still quite valid? Painting their relationship as warped, sexual and dependent on children from the very beginning drastically changes how we, the audience, approach the character. And maybe not for the better.