The Cast of Smash Is Basically the Cast of Game Of Thrones

Last night’s epsiode of Smash didn’t stand a chance.

I had planned on watching the show as I usually do – on my lunch break from my 8 – 5 job, hunched over my iPhone, taking notes and cackling into my turkey sandwich. But Amtrak had other plans. Or should I say Amtrak as assisted by the whims of a harsh and death-bringing mother nature. I went to visit my folks for religion last weekend, and I was on the train back to New York when my train stopped in New Haven. And then kept stopping. For three hours. BECAUSE OF BRUSH FIRES.  Anyone else would probably have thrown a tiny shit fit, but being as that I have reconciled myself to the fact that in a past life I piloted the Hindenburg or was a captain on the Titanic (per our editor) I just sighed at this blip in my travel plans, and high tailed it to the nearest La Quinta.

With nothing but television and the novelty of strutting about in the nude (also eating various and sundry Easter candies) to entertain me, I bit the bullet and hunkered down, chocolate bunny rapidly melting in my fiery grip, to see what was happening on with my friends working on Broadway’s next disaster – ‘BOMBSHELL.’

You guys, Smash is terrible. Like… it’s just really, really bad. And I think we’ve hit the point in the season where Megan Hilty has figured out she is in a terrible show, which for whatever reason, makes it THAT MUCH MORE WATCHABLE. Another aspect making it engaging – my friend Lomaxine pointed out that every character on Smash was a comic foil to every character in Game of Thrones. That was never more clear than it was last night.

OBSERVE:

Ivy = Cersei:

Ha ha ha ha. This is already so much fun! Ivy is like Cersei because she is blond and scheming. While Cersei scheming involves taking over uh, a world, convince said world and herself that her evil son is not so bad (BUT HE IS) and also various plots to get her brotha=lovah back in her drawers, Ivy is doing schemes of her own! Sure, Cersei stands idly by and allows babies to be hell of stabbed to death at her son’s bidding – but in her own way, having dream fantasies where she is singing Kelly Clarkson and being applauded for LITERALLY JUST WALKING INTO A ROOM, Ivy is just as bad. If this does not convince you, this week Ivy decided to….BE NICE TO KAREN FOR NOT SO  HONEST REASONS! That is just like never forgiving your brother with dwarfism for the death of your mother. Just like it.

Derek = Jamie:

this is what my brain is like.

Much like Jamie is a slave to sister’s sweet, sweet Lannister honeypot, so is Derek a slave to Ivy’s. While Jamie is currently being held as prisoner by the Stark’s, Derek is being held prisoner by the allure of arguably the worst, still mostly unwritten, musical of our time. Much as Jamie is willing to do anything for his sister, even push kids outs of windows and such, so is Derek willing to do anything…FOR THE PLAY! Even go over to Karen’s apartment and apologize for being a dildo. Too bad this backfires and he gets punched the hell up by Dev. Also Jamie Lannister is basically Shakira. That is all.

Karen = Daenerys:

Give that bitch a dragon, bitches love dragons.

When FemPop favorite Danny-girl started out, she was a wilting lily, but before too long she was a Drogo-riding, dragon-rearing badass of epic proportions. While Karen is still The Worst (Second Place), she has definitely grown into her strength – refusing Derek’s dickhole sexy times offer in epsiode one, and then last night, when given the opportunity to understudy for Rebecca Duvall, inexplicably trapped in Cuba (a tact taken only for the weeeak Sean Penn jokes that presented themselves like farts after bag eggs) she had slipped so seamlessly into the skin of Marilyn – and of an actor – that she quite literally BLEW DEREK’S MIND AND HE SAW HER AS MARILYN. Just like Sir Richard Branson from Downton Abbey saw Danny girl as a true Queen (in his dream-pants.) It was a chilling moment. It was the best moment the show has had. Next week – Karen Cartwright eats an entire human heart and walks through fire.

Ellis = The Eunuch

Undeniable

Scheming, presenting as harmless, owl-faced  – if I told you each of these characters storylines you would think I was talking about the SAME CHARACTER. Time and tide and kings may change – but Ellis and The Eunuch ARE FOREVER! The Eunuch watched the fall of Ned Stark, Ellis the fall of Jerry. Ellis oversteps his bounds with Eileen, investigating her hunk of bartender and his friend, a screaming husk resembling Gary Busey’s son with a bucket of chalk, and was scolded – but did it get him down? Oh no, Ellis, like the Eunuch, will live to serve and kiss ass and plot and worship at the altar of Broadway another day.

JULIA = Baelish

DEAL WITH IT.

Julia is a lying, callow, thoughtless, selfish, person, so is Baelish. Baelish makes his money buying and selling woman and so do Julia – but in the theatre so apparently no one has an issue with it! I hate theatre forever now!  He caused Ned Stark to be killed. She stole her son’s phone to get the man she cheated on to answer her calls. They are both the worst. Yes, Finger’s betrayal was the ultimate – but Julia stormed out of a high school theatre production of her own play WHILE THE ROOM WAS CHEERING FOR HER. She is lucky I did not cast her as Ned Stark’s decaying scrotal sack.

Tom = Tyrion

this feels…offensive?

Both are very often the ray of sunshine in television very often void of happiness or light. But both battle episode to episode – are they advocates within their communities, or playing to stereotypes? Dinklage I feel is one ‘imp’ away from going postal, and Tom’s inability to enjoy sex is appalling self-hatred as dictated by an apparently borderline mentally deficient writers room. That said, Tyrion wins us over with his good heart, hijinks, and vulnerability, and sometimes Tom pretends he is Daryl Zanuck.

Eileen= ALL OF THE DIRE-WOLVES. ALL OF THEM.

TATTOO MAYBE?

Sometimes I wake up at night and there is a giant snarling beast breathing into my face, its breath smells like danger – in the darkness all I can see is its yellow eyes. It is Anjelica Houston, who would as soon gnaw me to shreds as she would make out with her new team of investors, a hunky bartender who probably played a Disney villain in a life stage show, and his friend, a talented bag of screaming plaster.