TVD: The One Where Damon And Elena Totally Make Out!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Okay guys. There was a lot of fucking plot that happened on the Vampire Diaries last night. A lot. So much. There were revelations, and twists, and cast members returning, and some suspiciously absent, and then there were guest stars who came back as ghosts who you might have to go Wiki to remember who they were in the show and then be like “oooooh THAT girl!” and then be quietly grateful that you lead a rich enough life that sometimes you forget details about a vampire program for teenage girl children. But all of this is beside the point, okay, for two reasons:

1.) Ian Somerhalder has maybe my favorite chest hair ever.

2.) ELENA AND DAMON MADE OUT AND IT WAS HOTTER THAN I COULD HAVE EVER IMAGINED EVEN IF IT WAS WHILE THEY WERE PRESSED UP AGAINST AN ICE-MACHINE FOR REASONS OF SYMBOLISM !

So if you find my recaps overly tiresome and you make it no further than the first paragraph or so, I can now rest easy having shared the most crucial bits of information, which is that I am 90% sure that if I was offered thirty minutes to watch Ian Somerhalder penetrate Nina Dobrev I now know after last night’s performance that I totally would. I mean, if there were a curtain or something and they were okay with it. Sex is everyone being on the same hot, hot page, amiright?

Okay, so, actual plot line. When we last met our band of plucky immortals, their lovers, and their hunters, the gang had successfully managed to destroy every stake that could kill an original on the heels of their discovery that if you kill an original, their line goes with them. Because this is an episodic drama however, it goes to follow that Alaric’s evil vampire hating alter ego has hidden one of the stakes – and of course regular old never-catches-a-break Alaric has no idea where.

The brothers Salvatore have decided to do what they can to keep the plot moving forward – they will find where Alric’s evil self has hidden the stake and use it to kill Klaus, provided he is not of their blood line. Because I guess just killing him won’t kill the others? I  missed how that would work. (Also is Katharine dead? Did Michael kill Katharine that one time? I miss her curls!)

That’s a pretty big “provided” and one they will suss out by dividing up – Stefan will stay in Mystic Falls, the seat of mankind and home to us all, and Damon will go on a road trip to Denver with Elena to harass absentee brother Jeremy into contacting some ghosts and figuring out who sired them. “But wait,” I hear you ask in between noms of popcorn, “why don’t they just have Bonnie do that and all stay the fuck together?” And to that I say, “Good question,” and then sneer, “But clearly you do not watch this show or you would understand two things – 1.) every location in the world is no further than a two hour car ride from Mystic Falls, the nexus of the universe, and 2.) Bonnie can be prrrretty tiresome when asked to do things – and given how she’s pretty much a hair away from a nervous breakdown and taking to a tower to murder passersby – they clearly don’t want to cross her.”

While all this is true, self, there is another factor at play – Stefan is sending his brother and his one time fuck toy, forever mind fuck away together because he wants Elena to have an opportunity to sort out her feelings for Damon. Which is….mature? I guess? He’s nicer than I would be. Frankly, if I were Stef I’d be all “You’ve already said you won’t turn into a vampire SO WHAT DOES IT EVEN MATTER, VAGINA?” But he’s nice, so instead as his brother seduces his sister in Denver, the most romantic of all climes, he tries to beat the alter ego out of Alaric before Klaus can torture and kill the guy.

While Stef is playing the meanie, Rebecca pulls a TVD favorite – the ol’ body switcheroo. She accidentally swaps bods with her mom who is still out to kill all of her own kids, like a super dedicated and thorough Madea. Of course, nobody, not even the audience knows this is what’s up. So when Stef finally beats the Alter Alaric into being, it’s a big surprise that Rebecca – taking him the cave to ostensible retrieve the hidden stabby wood reveals that she and the alter are fighting for the same team. And it is. It really is. I loved this turn.

There was another sub-plot about Caroline enlisting Matt’s help to get her out of planning another decade dance so she can go into the woods and have cave sex with Tyler. The sexing is delicious but they are both worried that about Damon and Stefan killing Klaus because it may mean Tyler dies. They stop worrying about real things though when Tyler finds a piece of parchment with a drawing of Caroline with a horse on it that Klaus did. Then Tyler is all “Screw death, I am having PENIS RAGE FEELINGS!” and he storms out. Caroline is peeved, she had very much been looking forward to being the show’s lady Macbeth.

Somewhere, Bonnie was making a panini.

Meanwhile in Denver things were getting foxy and annoying! That’s because Damon and Elena made out! And Damon’s all “I am not going to be the one to sabotage us this time!” And Jeremy stopped them! Oh my god you guys. I hate Jeremy so much. So they are finally just getting into it, right, and Jeremy interrupts them as though he has just stepped in vomit that has made out with feces on his mom’s butt.

Her butt, y’all.

Luckily, though Rose cannot help them find their blood line since Jeremy’s only friend the under cover Cole the Original kills all their leads, she can help sway Jeremy that this is some shit Elena’s gotta figure out. Jeremy listens to this, because he has no friends other than lady vampire ghosts and everyone hates him. He doesn’t even have a dog.

Somewhere Bonnie is filming a lip dub of Rumor Has It by Adele. The ghost of that black janitor Caroline killed watches from the window.