Game of Thrones Gets Gratuitous With Beatings, Rats and Shadow Babies

There I was counting down the minutes to the end of the episode. I knew it was coming. Previews for the episode showed a dark cave with Davros and Melisandre and nothing but a single torch to illuminate their way. “Shadow baby,” I’d whispered.

It had been a year since I’d read the book but the scene was stark and clear in my head and I was eager to see it occur on-screen. Reviewers more fortunate than I had hinted at the moment and I figured that as fast as the show may move if it did happen in this episode it would be near the end.

“Shadow baby.”

And then Melisandre was dropping her robe and asking us to behold her clearly CGI’d pregnant form and I was practically chanting the words. Davros collapsed to the ground in fear because woman was PREGNANT people and just calmly sitting there acting like she was putting out a deuce. Only it was long, and black and oily and alive (insert joke about your own deuces formed from bad food here).

Guys. It was a shadow baby. The dark creature born of her angsty map bangarang with Stannis. We now know why in this world he has no kids. Because his sperm is black, oily shadow sperm. DUDE get thee to a balls healer and fast!

SHADOW BABY. Also some joke about menstruation.

Where is that shadow baby going? What will it be doing? Are you as glad as I am that we didn’t have to see that shadow baby nurse? Have you, like me, become consumed with saying the phrase shadow baby so often that your roommate and your dog ponder murder?

Whatever. SHADOW BABY.

Meanwhile in the rest of the show where Melisandre is just mildly sassy and pouting about Renley’s little jibes stuff happened.

Cersei haters got a reprieve and us Cersei lovers were denied this week because the crazy, evil, misunderstood perfection of a Queen was MIA. I’m guess she was softly cooing to her daughter and also banging her cousin off-screen. Neither are things I object to (well I mean, incest is wrong but that particular brand is no worse than 90% of European royals).

Tyrion objects. Which. I mean. Yeah. Makes sense. He dislikes his sister, he’s apparently the only male family member of age she HASN’T banged, and also she’s using their cousin to help Joffrey be a jerk.

It was nice to see her offscreen though, because if she’d been on-screen I kind of would have wanted her to address the whole TERRIBLE SON she and her awful husband and brother produced. Because Joffrey is the worst. How do I know this?

1. Everything Joffrey’s done up until this episode including.
2. The beating and stripping and near sexual assault of Sansa at crossbow point while all the terrible fancy people of King’s Landing watched.
3. The awful, gratuitous, WE GET IT HE IS EVIL beating of a sex worker.

I don’t know about you but everything about that scene squicked me out. First when I thought I was going to have to see naked Joffrey and then when I realized he was just going to murder a poor woman and I was going to have to watch. Awful. And the awfulness was compounded when it was NEVER REFERENCED AGAIN in the episode. We see Tyrion post horror show but he makes no mention of how his nephew had a woman beat another woman (likely to death) for his amusement. It slammed home just how unnecessary the sequence was.

But praise be some higher power there was a lot of good in the episode like Oona Chaplin (Charlie’s granddaughter!) showing up as a potentially new character (see the notes at the bottom for more on the debate regarding her character). Whomever she really is she thoroughly schooled Rob and called him out for his G.W. Bush ways.

W. Medieval style!

Remember how last week (or maybe the week before) we talked about how irritating it was that Catelyn of the books was stupified a little in the show so Robb could be a big strong brilliant leader? They were actually doing it so this woman could come in and do what Catelyn did, which is tell him he’s an idiot. And she did it all while doing one of the most nauseating jobs on the planet, working as a field doctor in a post-battle setting. I cringed as she chopped off that kid’s leg and then I was thoroughly delighted when she had no compunction about blaming Robb.

I may have even shouted “all the awards to Oona Chaplin,” but not really. That’s just what I was shouting today when watching tv and anyone did anything awesome. I also shouted it at Madeleine Stowe in a preview for the next episode of Revenge and then at Sansa when she refused to bow out of her marriage to Joffrey and walked out of the throne room like a father-f-ing BOSS.

She's just been horribly humiliated and she still walks out of there like she owns the place! BOSS.

MEANWHILE. Speaking of Catelyn. Another idea that came to her all on her own in the book instead comes via stupid Littlefinger on the show. This time he suggests she free Jaime when she gets back to Robb’s camp. Also he tries to make out with her and she pulls a knife on him. While I applaud the knife pulling and I love that they got to have a moment where they acknowledge their aborted romance and she rightly wanted to flay him for helping along her husband’s death I was still all DAMN CATELYN. Like can the woman not come up with a single idea on her own?

Whatever. The worst part was she got Ned’s bones back and she opened the little chest that was filled with them and they didn’t do a moment where she stroked his bleached skull and whispered, “Oh Ned.” I need that ridiculousness to happen. SHAME.

Instead I got Brienne in this hat.

Presented without comment.

Oh and also Margaery rolling in to be better at gaming thrones than Littlefinger. She even mocked his unmarried status! She’s the best. Margaery for all the awards. Even if her dress was like a tube of toothpaste squeezed through Chris Tucker in Fifth Element.

Margaery for queen of my heart and yours.

No wait. I choose Arya. I mean, she didn’t do a whole lot this episode. Mainly she was precious and wonderful and conveying such agony and naiveté in a simple glance that I actually said “this actress is brilliant” while massaging my dog’s head. She’s stuck at Harrenhal where their idea of torture is to for a rat into a man’s chest. I saw the bucket and the rat and immediately knew what was happening whether it was from the book (was it?) or from my obsession with the torture room at Medieval Times I horrified my roomie and ran out of the room. Okay I actually ran out of the room to let that dog out because he was all “TOILET” but really it was because I couldn’t stand to watch a guy scream while a rat chewed throw his torso.

Also POOR HOT PIE. He peed himself because he bet he could be as strong as the dude standing next to him and then the dude standing next to him turned into rat food and Hot Pie realized he’d chosen poorly.

Also Renly was saved by Tywin Lannister and it was the only nice thing that guy has ever done.

The end.

Note

• When that dude farted his friend into fear I was all “I bet he will be eaten by a giant wolf” and he was.
• Yes, Robb could have chemistry with a wet knapsack. The dude just STARES at people’s lips lustily, but he did exceptional lip starring when Chaplin was on-screen.
• Look, Sandsor gave Sansa his cloak. That’s polite. But he also watched as she was brutally beaten. If you “ship it” I’m giving you side eye.
• No Jon this week. I didn’t miss him.
• Daenerys! I forgot about her. She was absent last week and this week acted petulant until she got her way. I get not wanting to waltz her dragons out but daaang girl you were still kind of dippy with your logic while trying to get into Quarth. I look forward to next week when she wears a dress that really brings the blue out in her eyes.
• Team Sansa4lyfe
• I cringed so hard when Catelyn scolded the Baratheon kings. CATELYN WUT. I know she’s a mom and all but she can be a little more tactful and not sound like such a wet blanket. You know if they threw a party she’d be all dancing to the side and when anyone asked to dance with her she’d say her husband was dead and that she’s a mom. Also she’d try to prove she was hip by stringing up Ned’s carcass and silently swaying with it…I would like to see this.
• Next Week: SHADOW BABY PART 2. Daenerys in a pretty dress hanging out with a cool dude! More Robb staring at people’s lips! BRIENNE NOT WEARING DUMB HATS AND KILLING DUDES WITH SWORDS.
• So Oona Chapelin. Originally we were told she was playing Jeyne Westerling who is this kind of wet blanket girl that Robb likes that we don’t know very much about. She has a different name here and a much more interesting personality. My money is still on her being Westerling. There’s a very good reason she wouldn’t use her real name when chatting with Robb (for once it has nothing to do with incest!).