TVD: The One Where…It Is The Finale (SPOILERS YOU GUYS)

For those of you who missed it – which is probably close to everyone since I didn’t announce I was doing it – I live-tweeted the TVD Finale last night. Our benevolent leader Alex joined in as well. You can catch up on our best witty one-liners, and our real-time reactions to the ending of the season by clicking here. You could follow me too if you wanted. Yeah, that would be nice, because as a rule you guys are all pretty awesome. Except for you. You know who you are.

Who turns this down?! WHO?

It was quiet in Mystic Falls last night.

It was quiet enough that if a being – living, dead, werewolf, witch, or otherwise – listened carefully enough they could hear the ricocheting sounds of a lone staple from Tyler Lockwood’s Mayoral-Mother’s facelift scar. It ringed and pinged and bounced and settled in the now empty estate: Tyler is gone, and so is his over-eyelashed never-bridge Caroline. The jig, as it were, is up for them you see? With Evil Alaric doing his best to sully the reputation of Mayor Lockwood and Sheriff Forbes in the eyes of the perpetually expanding Council, their children’s secret natures were revealed. The women did what they must -gave the kids some cash and guilt and bid them get thee hence. It was pretty much exactly like the scene with the apothecary-monk character in Romeo and Juliet only not at all. Once the kids were gone, Mothers Lockwood and Forbes began their sinful carnal dance, hoping to mask the tears of sadness as the tears of orgiastic ecstasy – though no one was fooled. Not even the staple.

“God, make me a bird,” drawled Caroline, “So I can fly, far, far away.” She stroked Tyler’s bushy mane, “Pray with me, Forest,” she begged Tyler. From heaven God boomed, “BITCH YOU CAN’T BE NO BIRD! I MADE YOU A MOTHER FUCKING VAMPIRE!” No one heard him, and Caroline continued to pray to a god who was apparently a pretty big church.  But it was too late for mumbled church-house words now. Even if Evil Alaric was stopped and Klaus was allowed to live, it was still hopeless: The Brothers Salvatore were on a quest to Save Elena Forever and as they had demonstrated so many times before – no one would be spared in their mission – not even themselves. In fact it very often seemed that they did absolutely everything they could to kill, maim, and spiritually torture every creature that clamored over in their unquenchable desire to have Elena become their number one penis touching fan forever.

Everyone was so freaked out about Klaus this episode, about death, about Alaric, about whether or not Elena’s Frankenstein hands would ever wrap around their members that they failed to notice that Elena was FUCKING DYING OF A CEREBRAL HEMORRHAGE YOU MORONS! SHE WAS DYING THE WHOLE EPISODE! SHE FUCKING HAD ALL OF HER BLOOD DRAINED, HAD HER HEAD MASHED BY SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH AND THEN SPENT THE WHOLE EPISODE REMEMBERING THE NIGHT HER PARENTS DIED. HOW WAS I SO DUMB THAT I MISSED ALL OF THIS?! JULIE PLEC! JULIE PLEC YOU ARE A GENIUS! A MOTHER LOVING GENIUS!

The audience – and everyone Elena knew – was so focused on figuring out which Brother Salvatore she would pick as a lover that they completely missed the fact that she was quietly dying. The power of the Damon-Elena-Stefan Love Triangle is ridiculously impressive. Not only did it blind even the professional TV watchers to the plot twist to come, but it allowed Bonnie, easily the stupidest and most easily trapped, tricked, and foiled characters on the show to take decisive actions – rather than allow evil Alaric to kill the hilariously dessicated Klaus (no hate, he was one hell of a hot dessicated guy, right? Talk about 50 SHADES OF GREY! HA!) Bonnie – the picture perfect example of a person with Stockholm Syndrome – SAVES KLAUS! AHHH! Although this is kind of unfair of me to bitch about. If she hadn’t saved him – every single main character would basically die since he is the father of their blood line? So  yeah, Klaus couldn’t die, and Bonnie magicked him into Tyler’s body….which means…that Tyler…is dead? I am unclear on this. You guys?

Ultimately this wasn’t important, though it did give Tyler a chance to act as Klaus which was HILARIOUS. I was all “Wait…is Tyler…Eddie Izzard now?” What mattered was how Rebecca – furious over the death of Klaus (WRONG) made Matt and Elena DRIVE OFF THAT SAME DAMN EVIL BRIDGE. This happened only moments after Elena decided to choose Stefan, telling Damon “If I had seen you first…” which makes her Queen Of All The Assholes….until she and Matt are dying and we learn that SHE DID MEET DAMON FIRST! AND THEY HAD INSANE CHEMISTRY! AND THEN HE COMPELLED HER TO FORGET IT! AND THEN SHE ALMOST DIED THE FIRST TIME! It was here – not during the prolonged intercut montage of the death of her parents and her and Matt’s own peril – where I began to bawl like a colicky infant – enraged and sad.

The highlight of the episodes final beats were clearly Nina Dobrev’s underwater acting – which is a glorious site to behold and involved a lot of finger waggling. She makes Stefan save Matt first, he listens, and is too late to save Elena who dies.

Yeah.

That happened. Elena died. But it wasn’t the drowning – just the slow, brain bleed she had had the ENTIRE EPISODE. Lucky for all parties involved, Dr. Most Foul fed that girl Vamp blood, so while Evil Alaric died, returning only as a ghost to bid Jeremy goodbye (while I continue to weep – this time with snot), Elena’s death was less permanent – as the episode ends, she opens her eyes – a new vampire – in transition.

Next season will clearly be like My So-Called Life but with Vampires, more angst, and loud, crazy vampire sex….and I cannot wait.