Rizzoli and Isles Cuddle In the Woods When Fracking Cultists Attack
By Alex Cranz
Look if it were up to me the Rizziles rift 2012 would have lasted at least half the season. The ladies would have brazenly fought their love for one another while everyone tried to reunite them as besties and we all would have marvelled at how it seemed like they were lovers and not just spa buddies and it would have been delicious delicious drama.
But that didn’t happen. Instead we got an episode jam-packed with enough drama for a season and also a cult fracking in the middle of the woods and trying to murder people with giant machine guns.
I watched it alone while eating an old hamburger patty this morning so I couldn’t turn to anyone and remark on all the crazy happenings or the rampant and delightful lady loving (platonic or romantic it works either way). But let’s do a rundown of everything that happened.
Jane ruined burgers for her brothers and dropped a cast iron skillet on a hardwood floor and even though she didn’t mention it we can all agree she gouged the bejeesus out of the flooring.
Maura, Frost and Korsak processed a thoroughly decomposed body. Frost and Korsak shared looks and decided they were on Jane’s side of the rift. Maura got bored and started talking about science and history to no one in particular like the prettiest dementia sufferer ever.
Jane’s dad showed up. He lives in Florida. He tried to be all “what?” and Jane was all “you abandoned us and our mother?” And then he was all “bee t dub I’m getting remarried but I’m Catholic and pushing for an annulment so I can get married in a fancy church and you all might be retroactive bastards but don’t take offense I still love you.” It was a testament to Chazz Palminteri’s charm that I didn’t punch his face in the screen when he dropped that bombshell because daaaang daddykins. That is some hardcore abandonment.
Afterwards Jane gets dragged into the investigation involving the rotting corpse. She and Maura bicker like mad. Her brothers get involved and investigate another corpse. It’s impressive because one of her brother’s isn’t a cop? He’s just an undertaker? For like one random scene? And then he sticks his foot in a body? We’re just gonna go with it.
Also the Chazz shows up at work and tells Jane’s mom he wants an annulment and she starts talking about her marriage bed and making children and before you get your agism on and get grossed out please respect.
Maura is astounded and horrified because she actually still loves Jane and adores Jane’s mom and Jane is horrified because her dad is the worst. She swoops in and kicks his ass out and then her mom makes her a picnic basket while Korsak and Frost contrive to get Maura and Jane on a road trip alone together.
Then Angela gives Jane the picnic basket and demands she and Maura make up for her aching soon to be divorced and possibly annulled heart. Woman can guilt. Look at her guilt.
So they drive together.
There is rocking out to music. Also some heavy petting.
Also they discover a cult is why people are being murdered and the cult is illegally fracking and polluting the water and they try to race back to a more civilized age but they’re pseudo-lesbians on television and they’re in a car. So you can guess what happens.
Seriously. If you’re a woman and have ever had gay thoughts for another woman than I think between this, Grey’s Anatomy, Glee and Lip Service you should now know that CARS ARE DANGEROUS. But yeah their car crashes. I yelped even though I’d seen promo pictures and knew it would happen at some point and then before they can assess damage the cultists are shooting at them with giant guns that apparently every cult gets when they register as nut jobs.
They race into the woods. Eventually Maura collapses. She has compartment syndrome, where a muscle fills up with blood and has to be drained or the person loses the limb (and often they’re life). And Jane’s all NA UH STOP BEING A JERK MAURA. And Maura’s all GIMME SOME SUGAR [packets] AND TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT.
And Jane does! And then she cuts into Maura’s muscle so she can bleed and liiiiive! And then she cuddles her in nothing but a tank top.
It was basically a sequel to Bound.
Afterwards Maura is all out of it and begs Jane to leave her but Jane can’t do that because she may hate Maura but she still loves her. And then they get caught and Jane immediately trumps nearly every woman in a tank top that has come before her.
Then the villain, instead of like…bashing they’re brains in? Just sticks them in their car and promises they’ll drown soon. Essentially they were up against a third-rate James Bond villain in this episode. And that maybe makes Maura either Q or 007 because she’s out of it but still manages to get Jane to use her broken phone to text morse code? Or something? I don’t know. She was making noises and then Korsak was rescuing them and Jane was smiling because Korsak was impressed by her refusal to leave Maura and she was all “duh I’d never ACTUALLY leave my boo bear.”
Only this is only the second episode of a 20 episode season. They layered on some great drama for the season (Chazz all THESE BABIES ARE BASTARDS will be entertaining for at least an episode or two). Yet I’m still expressing a modicum of disappointment. Maura and Jane at each other’s throats was electrifying and tremendously fun I’ll miss they’re rift…unless this was all foundation for a SUPER RIFT that will threaten to destroy the space time continuum with all the LLBFF pathos.
Also I’m really curious to see how this show is going to handle their relationship from here on out. Will it fully embrace the Xena like subtext and develop a great love story that could be considered platonic or romantic depending on the hour? Or will it do as it did last year. A few steps forward to appease fangirls and forty steps back so as to not appear to gay (also a few beards thrown in so we’re forever reminded they’re definitely into dudes even though they’re clearly straight and we GET IT).
What would you like to see happen? Is the status quo good enough? Do you want some shoujo style romancing with lots of flowers covering the screen as they look glowingly into each other’s eyes? Would you settle for a really strong female friendship (this is the land of the Boston Marriage after all)? Or are you missing Dean and Tommy?
- Is it just me or were things kind of crude? Fart jokes, references to Frost’s love of ladies of all shapes and sizes (good on him) and Maura saying sweetest so it sounds like sweet ass.
- Also the rampant use of the words “bitch” and “asshole.”
- Angela is MVP again just because Bracco takes what should be a grating caricature and makes her loveable.
- Dude didn’t Rizzoli’s brother pass his detective exam last season? Why is he not a detective?
- Okay I did still chuckle at the fart joke. That’s how you know you’re really close to another lady. You can openly discuss one another’s foul ass gas.